Chase starts cleaning up, and I insist on helping him. One by one, his family take off, and soon enough, we’re alone in the house again, just the two of us sitting on the back porch, watching the moonlight sparkle across the lake.
I throw my legs over Chase’s lap and lean back, the lounge seat rocking beneath us. “I can’t believe how good your mom’s lasagna is.”
Chase turns up half his mouth in a smile. “Yeah? She always said it’s what made me so big.” He chuckles. “Didn’t work so good on my brother, though.”
His hand lands on my legs, casually resting there. I watch him, and smile at the contented expression on his face.
The good feelings bubble up in me again. The sense that everything is right, like I’m safe and at home.
After a moment, Chase turns to me, raising an eyebrow. “How’s it going with your videos? Any luck with YouTube customer service?”
The good feeling crashes with the reminder of my failure, and I take another sip of the Malbec. Considering he asked that question the second we got comfortable, he must have been wondering how I was all night.
Typical, caring, perfect Chase, who makes me feel like I’m going to cry and explode and come all at the same time.
“No luck with YouTube. But I got a new lead.”
He scrunches up his nose. “A lead? What’s that mean?”
“I can’t imagine you know who Jules the Himbo is?”
Chase rubs his beard. “The who?”
I laugh. “Okay, didn’t think so.” I take a deep breath, and just go for it. “There’s this guy. He’s a social-media celebrity and a pinup model, I guess? He has this channel calledGetting Off Solo. It’s like it sounds. He features people masturbating or whatever for the camera and afterward talks to them about their sexuality and what they like.”
Chase pulls his head back slightly. I see in his expression that he’s processing all kinds of things. His eyes narrow, then get wide, and then he licks his lips and grunts.
I forge on. “It’s pretty amazing. Jules is super sweet, so people really open up to him, and the sex ed that happens is next level. He’s got hundreds of thousands of followers, for this and for his pinup stuff.” I shake my head. “Anyway, I wrote this desperate letter and emailed it to him, explaining what happened, and I included my videos with it like I’m an obsessed fan, and he actually wrote me back. He thinks I have a lot of talent, and he wonders if I want to do a shoot with him.”
I let out a shaky breath. It feels good just to say it all.
Chases swallows and continues to stare at me. When he realizes I’m not going to say anything else, he forces some words out, his voice deep and serious. “Are you considering saying yes?”
“Well, yeah. I mean, I don’t know. He said I should come out to LA and talk to him in person. I never planned to do porn, but I’m a fan of his work, and it’s this huge opportunity, right?”
“LA, like Los Angeles?”
“He invited me out this weekend.”
Chase’s grip tightens on my leg, holding me to him. “You’re going to Los Angeles this weekend to masturbate with a porn star?”
“Oh, no,” I clarify, sitting up when I see that he’s clearly distressed, the information breaking his brain. “I wouldn’t film it on this trip. And he’s more like a pinup model who makes masturbation videos sometimes, not exactly a porn star.”
Chase’s mouth is still hanging open.
Shit.
I try again. “I wouldn’t have sex with him. I remember what you said earlier this summer. I’d talk to you before having sex with anyone else.”
Fuck. That makes it sound like I’m going to have sex with someone else, when the reality is that I haven’t even glanced at another guy since I met Chase.
Chase rubs the back of his head. I can feel his muscles tensing. I’m trying to say the right things, reassure him, but I’m pretty sure I’m making it worse.
“Wow,” he finally says. “Cubby. That’s a…that’s a big decision. Are you really sure it’s a good idea?”
I blink, surprised to hear him say that, although I guess a lot of guys would. “What do you mean?”
“There will be pictures of you touching yourself on the internet forever.” His brow knits in concern. “That kind of thing can affect you for the rest of your life.”
