A smile fills his face. Even across the distance, I can see the light in his hazel eyes.
Drew’s come back to me. I see that his car is filled with boxes, and my neck hairs all stand up. He’s come to me looking for a future, and I’m going to have to break his heart.
“Drew,” I manage, shocked.
He slams the car door and jogs to me. “Caesar!” Before he gets to the porch, Grace meets him, jumping up to say hello, and Drew laughs and rubs the back of her head. “Good girl.”
“You’re in Chicago,” I say.
Drew comes to me for a kiss, and because I don’t know how to push him away, his lips press to mine as the thundercloud in my chest breaks open.
“I was going to call, but I just wanted to get here,” he says, beaming, but as I rub his shoulder and frown, I know Drew’s reading my mood.
“Is that okay?” he asks softly.
I grip his arm. “Sure,” I rasp. “Of course. Come inside.”
I stalk into the house. I don’t know what to do. I thought I had more time to figure out how to talk about this.
“How’s the drive?” I call over my shoulder as I enter the kitchen. I busy myself grabbing drinks, throwing something together for him, but my hands are shaking.
I’m furious with myself.
“Caesar.” Drew’s hand lands on my back and I spin, my heart jumping.
He purses his lips softly. “What’s wrong? Are you mad that I just showed up?”
My breath rattles in my chest. “Fuck. No.” I push my hand through my straggly hair. I wish I’d combed it today, but maybe it’s better that I look a mess anyway. “It’s not that, Drew.”
He bites down on his lip. “Oh,” he says softly, then takes a step backward. “Maybe I misjudged this.” I watch him look at me, pain and embarrassment and confusion all dancing on his face. He wipes his hand over his mouth, his hazel eyes still on mine. “I’m sorry. I can go to Piper’s and talk to you later.”
“No,” I bark, then wince and hold my forehead. “Fuck!”
Drew hesitates, one hand on the counter. “Caesar, is this because I asked you to leave? Are you mad? Or do you think I’m abandoning you? Because I’m not, Caesar. I know people leave you, but I’m not doing that, I promise.”
“Fuck, Drew, I’m afraid you won’t leave me!”
I realize that I’m nearly yelling. Drew takes another half-step back, and Grace glares at me from his feet.
I’m not good enough for him. Here’s all the proof I need. I can’t just talk—I have to go and yell like a fucking asshole.
“What do you mean?” he asks weakly.
I lick the back of my teeth. “I mean I’m an old man, Drew. And soon enough, my health will start to go, too. Have you thought about that?”
Drew shakes his head, frowning. “What are you talking about?”
“You put your whole life on hold for your ma, and she didn’t even treat you right,” I tell him. He winces when I bring her up, but the truth is storming inside me, and I can’t hold it back, just like I can’t hold back the tears leaking out the corners of my eyes. “I won’t fucking let you do that for me, Drew. I just won’t.”
He tightens his hands into fists. “It’s not your choice!”
I grunt. “It’s not my choice?”
He stabs his finger to my chest. “It’s my choice! You’re right, I’ve been putting my own needs aside for years. But that wasn’t something that just happened to me. That’s something that I chose to do, even though it was hard. And you’re something I’m choosing, too. Except this time, I’m making the choice entirely for me.” He scrunches up his face, mad, then keeps poking my chest with each word. “I’m! Choosing! You! You! Asshole!”
We stare at each other, only a couple of inches apart. Both of our chests are heaving, and I see that there are tears running down his cheeks.
I can’t hear what he’s saying. I won’t.
