How am I supposed to go and date other guys when this feels so right?
I teeter on the edge of an emotional abyss, then pull myself back.
“Yeah, definitely.” I softly clear my throat. “And since you’re bringing it up…” I grab the notebook and find the list I’d started earlier. “I have a few questions.”
Rafael’s eyes pop open. “You made an Alexander list for our sexperiment?”
I laugh. “Sexperiment? Really?”
“Seminar on hooking up?”
“Okay,” I laugh. “Let’s just not name it, alright?”
The phraseAlexander listsis said lovingly. He and all of our friends use that expression to refer to my constant (and extremely helpful) list-making habit. But I can see from Rafael’s face that I’ve taken it to a new level this time.
“Talking about what we’re doing is a great idea,” he says. “Before I meet up with a Grindr date, I always tell the guy that I’m not available for a relationship.”
“Cool.” I squirm, hearing him mention other guys and his lack of interest in relationships, but I push the feelings aside. I had half-expected Rafael to just cruise through the next couple of weeks like us hooking up was totally normal, so I’m relieved that he’s up for talking, too.
He nods to the notebook. “What are you thinking?”
I scratch the back of my head. “Right.” Everything I’ve written down had seemed so perfectly reasonable that morning when the sun was still rising, but in the full light of day and with Rafael sitting across from me, I worry that it’s too much. I might scare him away, prove that I’m not capable of a fun fling after all.
Then Rafael reaches out and rubs my arm from across the table. He can read the anxiety in my eyes, I’m sure, and his touch is firm and comforting. “Don’t worry, Alexander. Whatever you want to talk about, you know I’m chill.”
There he goes being perfect again, damn it.
“Thanks,” I say, then sip my coffee. “So, uh, how often are we hooking up? And for how long? Not that we have to like, schedule it—I know that’s not fun. But maybe it would be helpful to just say some expectations?”
If only so I don’t lose my mind every second, desperate for Rafael to kiss me again.
He shrugs. “Three times a week or something like that? How long do you think the fling should last?”
Our eyes meet, a second passes, and then we both talk at once.
“Two weeks?” I say.
“Three weeks?” he says.
I take another sip of coffee. “Cool. Three weeks or so.”
Rafael grins. “Because you like it,” he teases. “It’s fun, right?”
I try to look at him, but I know if I meet his eyes again, I’ll start laughing. “You like it too.”
“Hell yeah. We were sexy last night.” Rafael rubs my arm again. “And hey, I’m glad I can help you build your confidence. You should have a happy sex life, Alexander. I’ve always wanted that for you.”
“Yeah,” I answer. I force myself to meet his eyes again, dreamy and dark behind the lenses of his glasses, so gorgeous I still get lost there. “Thanks, Rafael. Me, too.”
He laughs. “And I don’t mind the break from Grindr, honestly.”
I glance at the notebook. “That’s another question. We’ll be… exclusive? Just while we’re doing this, I mean.”
My mouth goes dry. I’m not sure if that was even okay to ask, but there was no way I wasn’t going to ask it.
Rafael leans forward, his elbows on the kitchen table. “Sure. I can get tested, too.”
I’m sweating under my T-shirt all of a sudden. “Does that mean we’re going to…”
