Instinctively, I pull out my phone to call Kris. My sister almost definitely won’t answer, but she’s the only person alive who would understand this. It’s when the phone only rings once before going to voicemail, though, that it clicks.
Kris called and asked for my address a week ago. She didn’t call because she wanted to have her brother’s info. She was calling to get it for our dad.
My phone buzzes in my hand, and when I look down, I see the message from her.Sorry.Drinking again.
I curse under my breath, then kick the coffee table, which sends a couple books falling to the ground. Whenever Kris’s drinking gets out of control, she ends up crawling back to Dad. He’ll give her money and try to get her to act the way he wants, and when she lets him down, he’ll kick her out with nothing, and she’ll start all over.
I know all that, but still, there’s not a fucking thing I can do about it. I can’t save her, and I can’t save myself, either.
I can’t save anyone.
Cars honk outside, and the apartment feels empty without Milo. I’ve been alone in this place so many nights, but I never felt as alone as I do now. Everything is broken, and everyone I’ve cared about is right there betraying me again, Dad and Adrian and Kris.
Except that’s not everyone I care about. Milo’s never hurt me, and there’s no way in fuck he’d betray me. He’s the good thing, the one that should make it all better, but it’s just my shit luck—he’s the only one I can’t have.
My heart breaks thinking about it. Thursday, I’m going to have to tell him what’s up. I won’t give him the details. It’s always safer for people if they don’t know. But I’ll explain that things with my family are active again and that I’m going to have to drift off on my own.
I don’t know what it will mean, exactly. Whether I’ll get to see Milo ever again after that or tattoo him or spend another night in the same bed.
But I fight back what I’m feeling, the words I can’t say, and promise myself I’ll do him right. And then I pick the bag of coffee up from where I tossed it on the couch, grab the envelope, and head to the kitchen.
Chuck and Adrian will be back soon, and I need to figure out how I’m going to get myself out of this mess.
CHAPTERNINETEEN
MILO
“Areyou sure this isn’t too much?”
I’m in my bedroom, getting ready to have Joey over and Skyping with Matty through my laptop. I’ve had a few days to sit with everything he shared after our last date, and the more I do, the more certain I become.
What Joey and I have is real. We’re good for each other in ways I’m only beginning to understand, in ways I can’t imagine with anyone else. Joey is the man I want to be with, totally and completely, and who he is matters a lot more to me than who his family tried to make him into.
And he’s a cautious man. He’s intentional and careful and good, so maybe it’s not as bad as he thinks it is. Maybe it can be different because I’m falling in love with him, and that has to count for something.
“Too much?” Matty asks from the laptop on my dresser. “How do you mean?”
I gesture to my bed, where I’ve placed a long-stemmed rose on the pillow. It took me all day to track down one with thorns like on Joey’s tattoo, but my lab instructor, Janelle, finally hooked me up. I hadn’t been so lucky finding any of the blazing star, the flower Joey’s inked into my bicep forever, but there is a bundle of wingstem in a vase on the nightstand, inspiration for the next tattoo I’ll get.
“It’s just…” I hum under my breath as I look at the bed. “It’s not too romantic?”
Matty laughs. “You’re about to tell him you’re falling in love with him, aren’t you?”
“Uh, no,” I laugh as I grab the laptop, then stretch out sideways across the bed. “I will not be sharing that information with Joey yet, thanks.”
I sigh, looking at Matty, who sits in his animation studio, playing with clay. First, I need to tell Joey that I heard what he said about his family and that I still want more, and see if that’s something he’s even willing to consider. Besides, he confided in me that he grew up in an organized crime ring, and I still have a million questions about what that means. It’s just not the right time to declare my love.
“Am I being naïve, thinking he’ll want flowers and kisses and a relationship?” I ask my friend. I look at the single rose on my pillow, and my emotions rise, clouding my thoughts. “Damn it. I’m going to embarrass myself, aren’t I? I’m trying to be optimistic and cheery when I need to be calm and rational, like him. I should put this all away and just hook up with him like normal and—”
“Milo.” Matty cuts me off. He’s pointing a little clay figure at me and frowning. “Don’t hide the flowers, okay?”
I sigh. “Okay.”
“You remember,” he told me, “I was convinced that Stone and I were too different. He’s tough as nails, and I was convinced that I wasn’t strong enough to be with a guy like him. But do you remember what you told me?”
I try to pull my thoughts back to when he was first interested in his boyfriend. Ayla and I both tried to reassure Matty that Stone was good for him. “All I really remember is that you were happier with Stone than I’d seen you in a long time, and I kept trying to tell you that.”
Matty nods. “That’s right, but you also told me I was falling into my old habits. You saw that I was scared and running away because I was panicked, and you could tell because you’d seen me do that so many times before.”
