Damn it. I’ve been fooling myself.
“Now’s not good. You need something from me?”
Chuck leans back against the brick wall of the shop. “Your dad does. A lot of cargo comes through Chicago, you know—”
“I’ve got a job,” I cut him off. “Thanks.”
“Not like this one,” Adrian tells me. “This one’s real special. That’s why he sent us here to ask you about it in person.”
There’s fire behind my eyes. This motherfucker is coming to fuck up my life again, but this time, I’m smart enough to say no from the start.
“I told you, I got a job.”
Chuck shrugs, and they both start walking toward me. “Your pops thought you might say that. That’s why we’re going to stick around the city for a couple days. Take in the sights, drink some beer.”
“Here’s the plan,” Adrian says, then slaps the envelope against my chest. “You can read it over and change your mind.”
“I told you,” I say through gritted teeth while they walk by on either side of me. “I’m not interested.”
“We’ll be back through before we leave town,” Chuck says over his shoulder. “Nice catching up, Joey.”
The second I’m inside the shop, I throw the envelope down and kick the brick wall, hard enough that pain shoots up my leg. I slam my palm against the brick a couple more times, seething with rage. Rage at my family, at Chuck, at Adrian just standing there after everything he’s done to me.
But mainly, I rage at myself. Because Milo is upstairs, sleeping in my bed, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have him again. It doesn’t matter what the deal is in that envelope, or how much I fight whatever my dad wants from me. My past is only ever a half a step behind, and Milo deserves a better life than that.
He deserves better than me.
When I’ve finally pulled myself together, I rub my hand across my face a few times and head upstairs. I’m hoping to find Milo still fast asleep, thinking I can at least watch him for a minute like that, peaceful.
I open the door, though, and hear the water running in the bathroom. “I saw your note!” Milo calls out sweetly. “You didn’t have to go out in the cold!”
I stand there, kind of stunned. It’s like walking from one world into another. This is where I want to be, just like this. I know that so clearly, but it doesn’t matter because that other world is always waiting. It’s the world that made me into the man I am.
“Joey,” Milo laughs as he rushes over to meet me. He’s dressed already, and he looks fully awake as he hugs me. “I’m so sorry, but I have an appointment at the lab. I have to run off.”
My arms are wrapped around his shoulders, and I don’t want to let go, but I force myself to. “Oh, no problem. Do you need a ride?”
Milo steps back, and his hand slips down, touching mine for a second. “Ayla’s on her way. She’s driving by anyway.” He hesitates. “You okay?”
I nod and clear my throat. “Yeah, just waking up.” I lift the bag. “I need my coffee, you know?”
Milo smiles sweetly, and I feel like an asshole for lying to him. “Well, sorry to be all chatty before you’ve had your caffeine. But since I’m about to run off, I just wanted to say again—thanks for sharing with me last night. I know that took a lot of trust, and, well, I appreciate it.”
I swear, I’m going to be nauseous. Milo is fucking perfect, and I’m standing here, a lying, cold asshole, just like always. He’s strong enough to see me and still want to give me a chance, but that doesn’t mean I deserve it.
It took me years to even stand up to my dad in the first place, so I have no one to blame but myself for this mess.
“Yeah,” I say. I take his face in my hand, and the warmth soothes me, even now. “I’m sorry I’m not very good at sharing, that kind of thing,” I tell him. It’s the honest fucking truth that I’m sorry, and I hope he can see that. “I’m sorry that I can’t just be available for you, beautiful.”
Milo gives me a sad smile, and there’s this soft warmth in his eyes. “Maybe you can be available Thursday night?” He laughs and turns his cheeks down. “It’s my last free night before some research projects overwhelm the busy part of my semester. I’ll have to basically disappear into the lab for a little while after that. So, if you’re free, I thought you could come by my place again?”
I hesitate. Any minute spent with Milo feels like a risk I shouldn’t take, but I can’t just disappear. He’s not some stranger I can forget. He’s wrapped up in everything I do, my art and my job, everything.
“Thursday,” I nod. “That sounds good.”
We kiss for a minute, then another, and then Milo rushes out the door. I watch from the window to make sure Chuck and Adrian aren’t still scouting, then plop down on the couch, dazed and totally fucking exhausted.
I toss the envelope onto the table. I’ve seen envelopes like that a million times. I basically know the plan inside of it without even having to look. It’s my life, the one I was born into, and it still defines me, whether I want it to or not.
