Casey
I was at the back door, looking through the kitchen and into the living room. Standing together, their arms wrapped around each other’s shoulders, I saw Blake and Russell stare into each other’s eyes, then kiss.
Fuck, that kiss. It was slow and tender, and when Blake pressed his forehead to Casey’s, like he’d done to me a million times, I knew the look that was in his eyes without having to see it.
My breath held tight, I stepped back outside. The night was freezing, and I hurried through our small backyard, then took off jogging out the gate, down the alley, and straight to my Jeep.
Shit. What was I doing?
I turned on the heat in the Jeep. My pulse had exploded, and I felt like I was about to have a goddamn panic attack or something. The emotions I’d been wrestling with for weeks went off like a bunch of fireworks, and I punched the steering wheel twice, fucking furious with myself.
But the fact was, I knew how Blake had been looking at Russell. The guys had started having the talk, just like we’d planned, and they clearly saw what I saw between them. They saw that they were meant to be together, and no matter how much I wanted to run right back in the house and tell them both I was fucking in love with them, I couldn’t.
My stomach clenched. I was fucking in love with them.
Shit. Shit, shit, shit.
I rubbed my hands across my face, then threw the Jeep into drive. I didn’t know where to go, so I just started driving through the dark, hilly streets, pointing myself out of town. Blake and Russell were going to be happy together. It was exactly what I wanted to happen. It was my job to make sure Blake was happy, and now that Russell was in my life, I cared just as much about him, so of course I was happy for them.
But fuck, this hurt. It hurt way too bad to stand there and pretend to smile while we all talked about it. My whole act would crack, and then what? I’d risk fucking up their relationship, and our friendships, too.
Fucking love. If I couldn’t get this shit under control, I was going to end up losing Russell and Blake, and probably Peyton, too. I needed to just walk away, but I was in too deep, and my head was so fucked, I knew I was going to ruin the whole thing. Then I’d really be alone again, more than ever before.
Gripping the steering wheel and fighting back the tears that were burning in the corners of my eyes, I pulled over into an empty parking lot, then grabbed my phone.
Hey guys! Sorry, I got pulled in for work. Can’t talk tonight. I’ll catch up soon.
All my muscles felt tight as I sent the lie to Russell and Blake. It gave me time to breathe, sure. But the thought didn’t go away that I was disappointing Russell and that Blake would be judging me if he knew what I was doing.
That tore me open. All over again, I was the kid without a family, the one who had to go to the curb when there wasn’t room enough anymore.
I wasn’t good enough, no matter how bad I wanted to be.
But I couldn’t change that. I couldn’t change who I was, so I turned up the radio instead, letting the noisy music wash over me, then drove out into the night.
* * *
RUSSELL
I frowned at my phone. “Bummer.”
“It happens,” Blake said. “I’m sure he’d be here if he could.”
We were sitting on opposite ends of the couch, and my legs were stretched out, with my feet barely touching Blake’s knees. Sharing my day with him and seeing the normally stoic expression on his face melt with care, it already made everything seem easier. All my problems could be solved if I just let myself believe I wasn’t facing them alone.
Still, I wanted Casey, too. I knew that he would crack me up and that he’d make fun of Kooning in a way that made me feel like I was actually the one on top. Laughing until I felt better was good medicine. And I knew that Casey would be proud of me for telling Kooning off, like Blake was, and that he’d give me that approving grin I liked so much.
Maybe I was being greedy or something, but I wanted both of my guys, even if just one was pretty great, too.
“If Casey’s out, I guess we should wait to have our talk,” Blake said, then stood. “I’ll make some dinner. You hungry?”
I stood up, too. “Yeah, sure. And um, that makes sense. We’ll talk when it can be all three of us.”
Blake glanced at me over his shoulder. “You know, I don’t have a lot of relationship experience. Not more than you, anyway. But anytime you need to talk, about this or anything else, I’m happy to listen.”
Heat swirled through my chest. I wanted to tell him how I felt and finally release everything that I’d been holding in. The words danced on the edge of my lips, but it just wasn’t right without Casey there.
Still, even if I couldn’t talk about our triad, I could still talk about Blake.
