It was like we were acquaintances, passing an afternoon.
But my pulse still accelerated with the truth.
I loved him, and I needed to find a way through this wall.
Sitting on either end of the couch, lemon balm tea in my mug, I finally forced the subject. “Hey, um, I just wanted to apologize one more time. For the Instagram post.”
Kai’s brow tightened. The light still shone in his eyes, but dimmer, like he wasn’t fully there. “Yeah, thanks. I understand. It was an honest mistake.”
An awkward moment stretched between us. I reached out, then took his hand, holding just the ends of his fingers. “I should have been more careful. And whatever you need me to do to make it up, just say the word.”
He nodded, then rubbed his thumb over my fingers. “I’m sorry I snapped. And that I’ve been so distant.”
“I understand.”
Another moment passed, and I scooched a little closer. No matter what, I was still his boyfriend, and I still felt like it was my job to help him feel better.
“Has the fallout been bad?” I asked.
“I’m convinced everyone at work is staring at me and thinking about it, but Leo says it’s not actually like that. There’s been a couple comments, including one from a client.” He stared off into space behind me, and I could practically feel the shame, tingling across his skin. “It’s going to pass.”
“Something more scandalous than a sexy dog onesie has to come across the social media feed soon, right?” I offered with a weak smile.
He shook his head. “It’s not funny.”
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to make light of it…” I trailed off, frustrated. I knew I wasn’t doing this perfectly, but I needed more help from him, too. “I know it’s really serious to feel like your private life has been made into a spectacle. I’ve been feeling it, too.”
Kai was staring at his steaming mug now, still avoiding my eyes. “Maybe we should have never been doing that in the first place.”
“That’s not true,” I said quickly, needing to defend us. “We didn’t do anything wrong.”
“But I have my professional reputation. And my moms are both on Instagram. It doesn’t feel like it’s wrong to you, and you’re right that it shouldn’t be seen that way by other people, but it makes me look like I’m irresponsible and immature.”
His words stung, not because of what he said but the implication behind them. I set the mug on the table, too hurt to hide it. “Because I don’t have a family to be embarrassed in front of or a fancy job to worry about, so I can’t understand,” I said flatly.
Kai’s frustrated face collapsed. His lips parted, and his eyes softened as he reached for my hands. “No, Izzy, I wasn’t trying to say that.”
Tears burned behind my eyes. I hated how easily I cried when I felt upset around him. Usually, I loved that he made me comfortable enough that I could show my emotions, but now, I was mad at him because I couldn’t hide them.
Everything felt hard, and I just wanted it to be easy again.
“Well, I feel embarrassed, too,” I said, squeezing his hands. “I’m embarrassed because I don’t like people knowing about my sex life, but I’m also embarrassed because I made a mistake. A big mistake! One that’s screwing things up with you right now, which is the absolute worst. I don’t want to screw things up with you, Kai. I want to be with you.”
The next words caught on my lips. I wanted to tell him that I loved him. I wanted to throw my arms around Kai and promise myself to him forever. But instead, I just choked on my emotions.
Kai squeezed my hand back. “I’m sorry, Izzy. I want to be with you, too. And I don’t think my life or my career are more important than yours. I hope you know that’s the furthest from how I feel. My work seems silly and frivolous, compared to what you do. I’m just not feeling like myself, and I’m not saying what I want to say…” He trailed off, frustrated, and finally released my hands. “I’m sorry,” he concluded.
“So what now?” I asked. I had no idea where to go from here or how to get from the hurt we were causing each other, back to the good place.
I just knew that I needed to be with Kai.
“Do you want to watch a movie?” he asked. “My brain needs a break.”
“Yes,” I answered. “A movie sounds great.”
Kai smiled, soft relief opening up his face. “Come here,” he said, patting the couch next to him. “Let’s choose something together.”
I crawled across the couch, then joined him at his side. Slowly, our bodies met, our legs tangling as we leaned close.
