And I could still hear Kai’s voice, ringing in my ears. He’d only snapped at me once, and his voice was driven by panic more than anger, but he sounded like a totally different person in that moment.
It still stung.
Jo joined me on the bed and handed off a glass of wine. “What about you?” she asked. “Have you even given yourself time to feel bad?”
I puffed out a breath. “I think I feel plenty bad.”
“You feel guilty because Kai’s upset, and you’re carrying around his pain. But have you dealt with the fact that you posted your own sexy photo online, too? He’s not the only one exposed right now.”
I scrunched my mouth tight. I hadn’t dealt with that, not at all. It was far easier to just beat myself up for the mistake I made, and thinking about that intimate photo, broadcast to hundreds of people…
It made me sick.
“It feels like everyone knows every little detail of my private life,” I admitted. “I know only some people saw that one photo, but it feels like everybody saw everything, from the first time we got on video together to the last time we hooked up in person.”
“They didn’t,” Jo offered helpfully. “It feels that way, but don’t forget, the photo was only PG-13. Implied adult situations. Most people have sexting scandals that are way more pornographic.”
I sipped the wine, thinking about the cute way the cat ears stuck out in the picture and the floppy dog hood that sat on top of Kai’s head. “Well, it was pornographic to us,” I laughed.
Jo held her hands up. “I didn’t see, and I’m not asking to. Just remember to keep things in perspective and to think about your own needs, too. You can’t really help your boyfriend out unless you’re being honest with yourself.”
I frowned, already a little teary again. “It was going so well. I was going to tell him that I was in love with him.”
Jo’s lips parted. “Are you?” she asked.
“I am,” I answered sadly.
A smile curved her cheeks. “Izzy, that’s amazing! I’m so happy for you!”
“Don’t be. The guy I love was barely able to look me in the eyes, last time I talked to him.”
“Rough patch,” she repeated. “And if you’re in love, then it’s time you learn to deal with this kind of thing. You make it through this together, not apart, okay?”
I nodded. Just thinking about that photo of us, broadcast to all the famous and successful clients at his firm, made my cheeks burn. Even when I used to get on video for strangers, the second a crowd got up to five or six people, I’d shut it down, overwhelmed with the attention.
And I never felt totally comfortable around people like the people he worked with. I knew my fashion was hopelessly out of style, and I didn’t move in the right ways or say the right things.
It sucked to imagine local celebrities and socialites and political figures judging us, or even laughing at the pained, horny surprise on his face and the catsuit that clung to my body.
“I hate this,” I groaned.
“Find a way to forgive yourself first, then talk to him,” Jo encouraged. “It might be uncomfortable, but if Kai really is the guy you think he is, you’ll find your way to the other side of this.”
* * *
Kaiand I had our date the next afternoon. Usually, heading over to his condo, I would prepare to spend the night. But that Saturday, with cool fall breezes on the air, a sinking feeling in my stomach told me I’d probably come home soon enough.
“Hey, cutie,” Kai said, opening the door.
We each stepped forward, but the hug was stiff and borderline awkward. He still offered me a steady smile, but his lids were heavy, and his eyes were tired.
The watermelon-sized lump of guilt in my gut grew a little bit heavier.
“How’s your day?” I asked, trailing my hand down his bicep. Kai was wearing a plain T-shirt and a pair of jeans, more dressed down than usual, even for a Saturday.
“It was fine,” he answered. “You want a cup of tea?”
We made small talk in the kitchen. Kai told me about the office while I poured a little water in the herbs and cuttings I’d started on his windowsill, then tended to the golden pothos I’d hung. We caught up on all the things we’d missed over the week, even joking around a bit, but we never settled into the easy, comfortable rhythm I was used to.
