“What in the fuck!” he yelled again.
“Kai!” River stammered over his words as his face crumpled. “I’m just—I didn’t hear…”
I stepped forward. My chest was tight, and I could barely look at Kai, I was so racked with guilt. “We were going to tell you. We were just talking about it,” I said quickly.
“Tell me!” Kai dropped the takeout bag to the floor. “Tell me! You mean this has been going on for a while?”
“It’s not what it looks like,” River said. I noticed his hands were shaking, and I wanted to grab him and hold him tight, although that was obviously a bad idea. Still, the way his voice trembled killed me. “I’m breaking my patterns, Kai. It’s different.”
Kai stuck his finger out, pointing it straight at me “You’re a dog,” he snarled.
“Kai!” River yelped. “He is not!”
“And you,” Kai said as he shoved his finger against his brother’s chest. “You’re a liar.” He shot his eyes back at me. “But at least you didn’t take advantage of someone.”
I clenched my hands into fists. “Kai, I did not take advantage—”
“Unbelievable!” he yelled, and I saw there were tears in the corners of his eyes. “It’s like neither of you care about anything except your dicks! You don’t care about me at all!”
He kicked the takeout bag, and noodles spilled violently across the floor. The outburst was totally out of character for Kai, and it shocked me so much I stood there, speechless.
Kai shot his glare back and forth, from River to me. “The two of you,” he said, finally not yelling. “I really can’t trust anyone, can I?”
He stormed away. River and I stood there, noodles spilled at our feet. All the good feelings evaporated, and I realized the truth.
We fucked it up, and I had no idea how we were going to make it right again.
Chapter Twenty-Four
River
I layin bed the next morning, my face smashed in the pillow. After a lot of yelling and hurt feelings the night before, I’d barely been able to sleep, and I struggled to work up the motivation to face the day and the mess I had made.
Kai left the condo early. It reminded me of growing up. I always knew I had really pissed him off when he drove to school without giving me a ride. And the message this time was loud and clear.
He was hurt. Betrayed. And I couldn’t blame him. It would have been one thing if Leo and I told him ourselves what was happening, but to find out like that was so much worse.
I tightened my hands into fists. I’d been beating myself up all night and worrying over what it all would mean. He hadn’t demanded that I move out, but I didn’t feel great staying there and taking advantage of his hospitality, either. Even though I’d saved up enough from the job that I could afford a deposit on my own place, I worried he would banish me from the office, too, and I’d be back to square one and unable to support myself.
Maybe Moms would have space for me in Antarctica.
Most of all, though, I just wanted to run to Leo. Doing that felt forbidden all over again, like seeking comfort from him would be a new way to betray my brother. But Leo was the only other person who truly understood the situation I was in, and I was finally accepting what the feelings I had for him meant.
I was in love with Leo. It was a new love, a love that was still growing, but it was love.
And that love was the one thing I could hold onto. I wanted to grasp for it and pull Leo close, even as I feared he would turn away from me now.
Finally, I dragged myself out of bed. Leo’s door was closed when I passed, and I wanted to press my ear to the wood and listen to his breathing, but I didn’t let myself. Instead, I headed straight for the shower. I kicked off my clothes and turned the heat up high, filling the little room with steam as I tried to wash the guilt and pain away.
Leo’s razor sat on a small shelf, right beside his body wash. Lately, I’d been indulging and sniffing the piney scent when I showered, but I stopped myself this time. When I got out to brush my teeth and shave, my eyes caught on the styling paste he used every day and his comb, left out on the edge of the sink.
I touched the comb. How bad was this going to be? Everything was at risk, including my relationship with my brother and the man I now loved. If only I could go back in time and tell myself to talk to Kai earlier, to respect him enough to tell him the truth.
I dried off and pulled my shorts back on, cut from an old pair of gray sweatpants. I had the day off from the office, and my intention was to start studying to get in the habit again, but after the explosive argument, concentration felt impossible. When I stepped into the hallway, Leo was standing there in his boxers and T-shirt.
“River,” he said. “Kai took off already?”
I nodded quickly. Kai had ripped into me, but he’d unloaded on Leo even harder. “Did you get any sleep?” I asked.
