“It sucks,” I admitted. “The scene isn’t that big, and now everyone thinks I’ve lost the beat. It happens, too. Someone you thought was great suddenly turns to shit. It would be one thing if everyone just decided to judge me. They can fuck off, and I wouldn’t care. But it ruins my career. All I want to do is play good music, and now I can’t.”
I let out a shaky breath as anxiety wrenched my shoulder muscles. It was good to say all of that instead of just holding it, but I still felt like I was letting Shawn down somehow. I’d played cool drummer guy all weekend, but now he knew that was just an act.
Shawn pushed his hands across the table, offering them to me. “That doesn’t just suck, Cass. It fucking sucks.”
I snorted a laugh, then took his hands. “It fucking sucks ass,” I agreed.
We both chuckled. I ran thumbs over the backs of Shawn’s fingers, stroking his soft skin. It felt good just to be connected with him again after spending days lost in my own cloud. “You don’t think I’m a loser?” I asked, glancing up.
Shawn squeezed my hand. “Of course not. Cass, I love the way you stay true to yourself. It’s not your fault those rumors are spreading around. Hell, you even inspired me to turn down the job offer and keep writing my book.”
I titled my head to the side. “You turned the job down? Why didn’t you tell me?”
Shawn released my hand. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to let that slip right now. But yeah, I did. Dr. Freeman called me about it, and I thought about you and how you encouraged me to focus on my book, and I decided to keep writing.” He took a sip of his coffee, a shy expression playing on his face. “She told me she liked the chapters I sent along, too.”
I felt myself brightening up with pride. “Shawn, that’s great!” I knew that his writing was good, but someone like his old professor could give Shawn an opinion I couldn’t, and Shawn’s respect for her was obvious. “Congratulations on going for your dream, man.”
He smiled as he rose to his feet. “It’s true, though,” he said, walking around the table to me. “I wouldn’t have done it without you, Cass. I didn’t have the courage, but you’ve helped me find it.” I stood to meet him, and Shawn stopped a few inches away. For a second, the only sound was our breath aligning. “You’re amazing,” he said.
My heart jumped. Shawn was always generous in the way he saw me, like I was a better person in his eyes than I was in reality. I didn’t feel courageous or inspiring right then, but with him holding my eye, I suddenly believed that I could be.
“You’re amazing,” I said. I reached out and stroked the back of his head, and Shawn quivered in response to my touch, the heat between us rising.
It was true. He really was an amazing person. Smart and kind, gentle and fun. With a laugh that I could hear even when we weren’t together.
And suddenly, it hit me. I was in love with Shawn. All it took was sharing my troubles with him and the hurt feelings started to fade, pushed away by something much more powerful. He made me feel good in a way that no one else ever had. He listened to me, and he understood me, and still, he wanted to stick around.
Damn, did I want to give him the same thing. I wanted to make him just as happy. I wanted to take care of him and build him things and stand by his side while he chased his dreams.
I wanted to love him.
Shawn wrapped his arms around my shoulders. “Cass,” he whispered as he pulled himself close.
I took him into a kiss. I slid my hands down his back and sunk my fingers into his hips while I hitched him closer. Pent-up desire flooded through me, and when he bit down lightly on my bottom lip, it felt so good it nearly knocked me down.
Was this what it was like, to kiss someone I loved? My body seemed to move on its own. Shawn rode up against me as I spun us both and pressed him to the wall. He gasped against my lips, then drew his mouth down until it was warm and wet against my neck.
“Fuck,” I groaned. My hard cock stuck out against sweatpants as Shawn kissed at my neck, each caress jolting pleasure through me.
I wanted to tell him I loved him. I wanted to shout it from the fucking roof, in fact. But I held my words in. That wasn’t something you just blurted out. Instead, I pressed my lips to his ear. “You want to join me in the bedroom?” I whispered.
“Yes,” Shawn answered enthusiastically. “So fucking much.”
I hitched him into the air, and Shawn blurted out a loud, surprised laugh. “What are you doing?”
Grabbing him around the shoulder and underneath the knees, I steadied myself, then brushed my lips across his forehead. “Taking you to your room.”
Shawn laughed the whole way up to his bedroom, his arms squeezed tight around my shoulders. I knew I was acting funny, but I didn’t care. It was like the love I had for him was illuminating me, pulsing out from behind my ribs, and I needed to hold Shawn as I close as I could to that good feeling.
I tossed him to the bed and climbed in after. The morning light was just coming through the windows, and the birds called outside. His mattress was nice and firm beneath us, and the sheets were soft on my skin.
“I’m sorry that I was acting kind of off the last few days,” I said.
Shawn stretched out beside me, our foreheads close and our toes, knees, and fingers touching. “It’s okay. I wish I could have done more to cheer you up.”
I pressed my lips to his quickly. “You did everything, babe,” I said. “You really did.”
Shawn and I started kissing again. We rolled back and forth together as we tossed our clothes off. His body was so familiar to me now. After months together, I knew just how to hold him and stroke him and lick him.
