“Disassociation, is that right?” Marco asked.
I nodded, happy that he knew the term. “That’s right. By the time I was graduating, I knew I was different, but I didn’t have the vocabulary for it. I tried identifying as bisexual and then as a lesbian, and I had a few different relationships with women, but they were just as confusing and unsatisfying as my relationships with guys had been.”
Both Marco and Demir were listening carefully. Neither of them had started into their food. Instead, they just kept their gazes on me, friendly and open and clearly interested in hearing more.
“About five years ago,” I continued, “I realized I was a man and that I needed to transition if I was going to be happy. At almost the exact same time, I met my ex-partner, Zoe.” A tinge of sadness clouded my vision as I thought of her and the life I thought we would build together. “She was a straight woman, and when we met, she immediately saw me as the man I am. For the first time in my life, I felt truly connected to another person. I was able to be close with her in ways I never dared with other partners. She was sweet, and loving, and she accepted me for exactly who I was.”
I sighed, then pushed the greens around on my plate with my fork.
“But you realized you were gay,” Demir said. “That must have been difficult to end things with her.”
“I wish it had been that easy,” I said, casting my eyes down. “I had started to fantasize about men, which was really unexpected for me, but I wasn’t yet ready to admit what it meant, especially not when I was so invested in my relationship with Zoe. But I guess she wasn’t quite as committed to the relationship with me…” I trailed off. I desperately wanted to tell them the truth, to just say what happened, but like every other time I got close to that truth, tears threatened to leak from my eyes.
“I’m sorry,” Demir said, reaching out and taking my hand. “It’s horrible to have your trust broken like that.”
I looked up, and somehow, I could see on Marco’s face and Demir’s expression that they both understood. I didn’t even need to say the words. Somehow, they just knew.
“I spent a few months comparing myself to that other guy,” I said. “Torturing myself over it, really. But when I finally crawled out of my depression, I was able to admit the truth. I couldn’t have been with Zoe forever anyway, not really. I was meant to be with another man.”
Or men, I wanted to say, but it suddenly seemed too intimate, like I was suggesting they would have the same kind of relationship with me that I had with Zoe.
“I’m glad you found your way,” Marco said. “I’m glad you made it here.”
I nodded, then stabbed a few greens with my fork, eager to turn away from talking about my ex. “Me, too,” I agreed.
“I’d like to think that gay men have come a long way since Rocco’s closed down,” Demir said, “but I’m sure there’s a lot of ignorance, too.”
I glanced back and forth between the guys. With my past laid out on the table like a buffet, it seemed as good a time as any to learn more about them. “I haven’t really explored much as a gay man,” I admitted. “But what about you two? Have you ever dated a trans guy before?”
“I have,” Marco answered brightly. “Although just briefly.” He chuckled, then plucked a spring roll off the small plate in the middle of the table. “The night I fell off the dance platform and crashed into Demir? I was out mourning the end of that relationship.”
“The best way to get over someone,” Demir joked dryly, “is to fall onto someone else.”
I laughed along with them, happiness pooling in my chest. It had seemed like Marco knew what he was doing, but I was happy to have confirmation.
“I haven’t,” Demir said. “I hope that’s not a problem for you?”
I shook my head. “Not unless you have a problem with it,” I said. “I don’t mind educating people sometimes, but only when it’s a choice I get to make and when I trust the person enough.”
Demir looked visibly relieved. I was so used to feeling anxious about how guys would respond to me, I hadn’t even thought about the fact that he might be nervous, too.
I guess we’re both somewhere new,I thought.
I reached across the table, lifting the small pot of tea and pouring a little in each of their glasses. A sense of satisfaction filled me as I watched them both nod, accepting the gesture and allowing me to take care of them, even if it was only in this small way.
“I always encourage people to educate themselves,” I said. “There’s a lot of good information out there now, which didn’t used to be the case. But if you have questions, I can answer them, too. Every trans person is different, after all.”
“That’s what Marco told me,” Demir said, nodding to his boyfriend.
“And I don’t want to give you the impression that I’m an expert,” Marco added quickly. “I dated Samuel more than ten years ago, and I was still pretty young and confused myself back then.”
I remembered how his fingers had curled around my cock, sending jolts of pleasure to my core.You can’t be totally clueless,I thought.Not if you can make me feel that good.
A warm breeze crossed the garden, and that feeling of satisfaction grew in my chest. Marco and Demir both seemed honestly, sincerely interested in treating me right. I had hoped there would be guys like them out there, but I had assumed I would have to go through lots of bad dates before I found them.
As we ate, our conversation bounced around a few related topics. I gave Marco and Demir my take on all the famous trans actors and actresses who were emerging as celebrities, and they asked sensitive, caring questions about the political situation in Philadelphia. Instead of my gender being an awkward or loaded topic, they talked casually and easily, treating me like any other gay man who had found his way into their community.
“Everyone’s story is different,” Marco said at one point. “Otherwise, what would be the point of getting to know people?”
