Chapter Twelve
Mars
“You were his bully?” I hollered. “What the fuck does that even mean?”
Rip took an empty beer bottle in his hand. He glared down at it as he spun it with his fingers, then yanked his arm back and launched it across the camp spot and into the fire, where it shattered against the rocks.
“Listen,” he said. “I told you, I’m not happy about what I did.”
I hopped backward to sit on the edge of the truck bed and swung my boots in the air. “Fuck, man, is that why you wanted to take me camping?”
He cocked half a smile at me. “Thought otherwise you’d just storm out of the house and go straight to the bar.”
I grabbed another beer from the case. “I would have,” I admitted.
Rip joined me on the back on the truck, and the fire hissed across from us. We’d found a good spot in some rocky hillsides, with a solid view over the gigantic fir trees and hemlocks. Back in Detroit, we used to drive out to a lake some nights when we wanted to get away from the city, but I was getting into the mountains, now that we were in Seattle.
“Do you think I’m an asshole now?” he asked me. “Do you think I’m a fraud?”
“Basically,” I said, rolling my eyes. “How could you do that to Clark?” It was one thing to try to get over the fact that Rip had acted like such a hypocrite. It was a whole other thing to get over the fact that he had done that to Clark. Clark was fucking stellar, and I couldn’t imagine why anyone would try to hurt him.
“I was scared everyone would figure out I was gay,” he said, still frowning. “And I think a part of me was attracted to him. It was just all the classic bullshit, you know. Punishing him to punish myself.” He spat outside the truck, then took another drink of beer. “I’m sorry I never told you about it.”
I frowned, then stuck my hand in my backpack and rummaged around until I found a joint I had picked up at the shop earlier. “You should be sorry,” I said. “But it’s not just that you didn’t tell me. It’s that you acted so out and proud all the time when I met you.” I shook my head back and forth, laughing as I thought about it. “I thought you were like a golden god or some shit, and I felt embarrassed that I was still figuring out how to come out.”
“I was overcompensating,” Rip said as he offered me a lighter.
“I’d say,” I agreed.
We sat in silence for a minute, and I listened to some owls call across the night. “It would have been good for me to hear that, you know?” I said.
“What? About me being a dickhead in high school?”
“Yeah, kind of. I think if I would have known you went through stuff like that, I wouldn’t have been so hard on myself back then. I might have realized I was capable of being more than your sidekick.” I nodded, and as I thought about it more, I realized how true it actually was. “I’m just saying. Don’t ever try to hide your fuckups again, man. You know I don’t.”
He laughed, then kicked me with his boot. “That’s for damn sure,” he joked.
“What are you going to do about it, anyway?” I asked, then lit the joint, taking in a couple deep puffs while I looked at him.
“What do you mean?” Rip asked.
I pulled my jacket over my sweater a little closer, then nodded. “Fire?”
Rip nodded back, and we both stood up to walk closer to the warmth. “I mean,” I said, “what are you going to do about Clark?”
“He seemed pretty clear that he didn’t want to see me,” Rip said as we returned to the camping chairs.
I gave him a glare, then passed the joint. “He’s a good guy, Rip,” I said. My voice was a bit harsher than I intended, but I couldn’t help but feel defensive. “You would tell me to apologize, if it were the other way around.”
Rip frowned and puffed on the joint for a minute while he looked at the flames. “It felt like shit to see him,” he said. “But you’re right. And anyway, I should feel like shit.” He leaned up in the chair to pass the joint back. “Could you help me out? Ask him if he would let me apologize?”
“If he talks to me again, sure,” I said. “But we’ll see whether you screwed that up for me or not.”
Rip winced, then shook his head. “Would serve me right.”
“How’s that?”
“I’ve never seen you so mad as when I scare away a guy you’re crushing on,” he said.
