It was like there was a fire burning beneath my skin. Horrible words stung in my mouth. I wanted to spit them at him, show him how mad I was, but fear was strangling my voice.
And the fact that he came into the shop, of all places. My sanctuary…
“Why are you here?” I asked, choking on the words.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t know you’d be here.” He rubbed his hand across his face. “I just moved back to town and was going to pick aStar Trekcomic up for my friend.”
I froze. Or maybe the world froze. Most likely, the disaster inside of Northstar Comics in Seattle, Washington froze, and Rip and I became two satellites, circling each other in the emptiness of space.
And then I got it. I don’t know why, but it just seemed so clear to me all of a sudden. Maybe because they looked so much alike. Maybe because of the way Rip pulled his hand through his hair, just like Mars did.
Maybe because it was true, and sometimes, you can’t deny true things.
“You just moved here with Mars,” I said slowly. One hand was trembling by my side, and I had to hold it tight with the other. I started squeezing my fist three times and then relaxing for a long exhale, a trick my therapist had taught me when I was dealing with the stress of being bullied. Three quick breaths in, and then a slow breath out. Three, and one.
Funny, I never thought I’d use it with the actual Rip standing in front of me.
“How do you know my friend?” he asked as his thick eyebrows rose.
Another wave of fire and anxiety shot across my body, but I just squeezed my hands into fists, determined not to lose control of myself.
Swearing I wasn’t going to fall into a desperate, sobbing puddle in front of Rip fucking Cirillo.
“You’re gay,” I said.
“Clark…” Ezra started, still standing by my side. “Do you want me to do anything?”
I shook my head quickly, then took another deep breath. “You did all of those horrible things to me,” I said to Rip. “And you were gay the whole time.”
Rip winced, then turned his eyes to the ground. “I owe you so many apologies.”
“You took so much away from me,” I said.
“Wait, that’s this guy?” Ezra grabbed my hand and held my fist.
Rips eyes widened with his own realization. “Oh fuck, are you the guy that Mars…”
What’s that, Rip Cirillo? The guy that your fuck buddy has been messing around with? The virgin he was going to use like a toy, then go home to you every night? The inexperienced, pathetic nerd he probably told you about while you were fixing each other’s trucks or shooting pool at some cool bar? That guy?
The tears in the corners of my eyes were burning to get out and to fall down my cheeks like a waterfall. But he had already taken so much away from me, and now here he was, showing up just to take Mars away, too.
I wasn’t going to let him take this moment. Not one more thing, if I could help it.
“You need to go,” I said.
Rip opened his mouth to say something, then stopped himself and nodded. “I understand,” he said, with a voice as steady as a rock, then turned and exited the store without another word.
I let out a desperate breath I had been holding, and Ezra threw his arms around my shoulders. “Are you okay, buddy?” he said softly. “Was that what I think it was?”
I fell back into the armchair, and the tears finally came. It wasn’t that I was upset about one particular thing, but like the whole encounter had turned into one giant ball of hurt feelings, and I’d swallowed them down to my gut.
Ezra squatted down next to me, and when I was done letting out a solid cry, he handed me a glass of water. “I’m sorry,” I said, wiping the back of my eyes with my arm. “I’m just…”
“Clark, don’t even worry about it,” he said. “I understand. And you know just about anyone who walked into this store would understand, too.”
I took another drink of the water. “Thanks.”
I shook out my legs, then rose back up to my feet. I looked around the store and reminded myself that I was still in the same place I had been in ten minutes earlier. Northstar was still my sanctuary, and I still had Ezra there to support me. Rip was gone, and I didn’t have to see him again.
But my heart still tore in two. Because what it all meant for me and Mars, I had no idea.
