“Likewise.” Debra stood awkwardly in the middle of the room; Billie felt the shift the moment Ella burst through the door.
Still, she understood that everyone was probably feeling a bit out of sync today.
“I should have called you, Ella. I’m sorry.”
Ella crossed the room and wrapped her arms around Billie. Billie stiffened on instinct, then melted into it, the contact grounding her. “Don’t frighten me like that again. I can’t deal with it.”
“I know,” Billie whispered. “I know, and I’m sorry.”
When Ella pulled back, she glanced at Debra again, this time frowning. “Wait. Y-you’re here…”
“I’m sorry?” Debra lowered her cup to the coffee table and took a step back. “I don’t follow.”
Billie cleared her throat and gave Ella a knowing look. “Not right now, yeah? Debra’s got no idea about the weirdo she invited into her life.”
Ella nodded and shrugged off her coat. “Got it.”
“I think,” Debra said as she angled her head towards the door, “this might be a good time for me to go.”
Billie’s head snapped up. “What?”
Debra met her eyes. Thank God they were calm and reassuring. Billie couldn’t handle anything other than that right now. “Not because I want to, but because you two deserve some privacy.” She looked at Ella briefly, then back to Billie. “You’vehad a lot happen in a very short amount of time. I don’t think you need an audience for whatever comes next.”
Billie fought back the lump in her throat. She knew the moment Debra walked out the door, she wouldn’t see her again. While Billie understood and expected that to happen, she wanted to be in the same room as Debra Allen for a few more minutes. Even if only to memorise her face. Even if only to cling onto the scent of her perfume for the coming days when life felt tough, and she didn’t know which path to take. “You don’t have to go.”
“I think you need some space, Billie.” She stepped closer and rested a hand on Billie’s forearm. “You need to focus on yourself. I’ll check in later. Maybe call you if that would be okay?”
Billie nodded. She didn’t trust her voice with anything other than a simple response. “Okay.”
When Debra reached the door, she paused and turned back one last time. “I know things are incredibly difficult for you right now, but please don’t expect me to want anything from you. I just want you to be okay, Billie. However long that takes, just know that you’re not alone.”
And then she was gone, the door closing softly behind her.
Billie stood there, more aware of her breaking heart than ever before. “God, you fucked it completely.”
Ella pressed a hand to her shoulder and guided Billie away from the door. “Come on. Sit down.”
On shaky legs, Billie turned for the couch and somehow stumbled her way towards it. Her apartment felt different now that Debra had left it. If she was being honest with herself, she didn’t like being here without Debra. She felt safe with her. She felt marginallysanewith her.
Still, Ella didn’t rush her for answers. She had never been that type of friend.
Billie stared down at her hands, watching the faint tremor still lingering in her fingers. “I fucked it big time, Ella.”
“Fucked what?”
“Anychance with that woman.” Billie looked up and gazed at her apartment door. “She saw it all last night.Everything. I’ve never felt so ashamed of myself as I did this morning.”
“Billie, what exactly did she see?”
Billie swallowed and shook her head. “I regressed. I thought I’d moved past it, it hasn’t happened in years…but last night—” She cut herself off and sighed.
Ella frowned. “Last night…what?”
“I saw her,” Billie continued. “She was on a date. She looked really happy, and I’d already convinced myself that was the right outcome. That pushing her away the other week had been the responsible thing to do.” Billie scoffed. Even in her head, it sounded ridiculous now. “Apparently, my nervous system didn’t get the memo.”
Ella’s hand closed gently over Billie’s.
“After I’d bumped into her, I went back to the shop because that’s where I feel…functional. It’s where I know the rules.” Billie smiled when Ella squeezed her hand. “Nina was there, and she was worried about me, so I let her stay a while.” The emotions Billie had spent years suppressing threatened to rear their ugly heads again. “Somewhere between the whiskey and the sense of control, I fucked up.”
