I regard my angel and my little pixie for a brief moment, the diner stilling around us, like we’re the only ones left. “I used to always want to do things alone. But I can’t ask you both to stop weathering storms solo if I’m not willingto do the same. The truth is… I need you both there, but I’m afraid of what I’m about to find out. I… don’t know how I’ll feel or react.”
“Like you said, we’ll weather it together. Even that. Good or bad.”
We thank Dolores again and find ourselves back on the sidewalk, the envelope starting to weigh heavier in my hands.
“Open it, Hayes,” Raegan demands gently.
I slide my finger under the flap and it pops open without any effort, like time has worn off the adhesive. Maybe it’s a sign that it really is time to know whatever's in this letter.
My dearest baby boy,
You’re probably a grown man now and I’ve missed it all. God, I just know you’re the most handsome man in the city. The entire state of Illinois, even. I’m sorry I can’t be there to tell you everything. To touch your face and give you a big bear hug… the kind where you feel like you’re being wrapped in a warm blanket. Trust me when I say, I’d be there if I could. It just wasn’t in the cards for me. The doctors say I have something called placenta accreta. I’m not an expert at all the medical jargon, but they made it pretty clear that my pregnancy is high-risk, which is why I need to spend the remainder of my pregnancy in the hospital just to give you the fighting chance you deserve. They almost didn’t let me leave this last time, but I made them let me leave so I could have one final real breakfast at my favorite diner. The deal was… I had to agree to come right back to be admitted.
I know it’s silly, but I needed this time to come to terms with what’s ahead. Your father is struggling with it all and I can’t say I blame him. None of this is easy, especially when they tell you there’s only a 5% chance I’ll survive the delivery.
I know. It sucks. I won’t bore you with the gory details of what could go wrong. It doesn’t matter anymore, because by the time you read this, I’ll have long since left this earth.
Shit. I’m rambling.
What’s the point, you ask? I’m glad you asked. My beautiful boy, the point is… my death is not your fault. The doctors warned me of the risks and I accepted them. I accepted them because I know deep in my heart you were meant for great things. Great love. And I was put on this earth to bring you into it. I’ve made peace with that. It wasn’t even a choice.
No matter what anyone else tells you, know you’re a survivor. You came into this world fighting and that makes you so fucking strong. Stronger than you even know.
Whatever you have faced or have yet to face, know my love lives on through you. Carry it with joy, love and pride because I’m proud of you, Hayes.
I love you to the moon and back, baby.
~~Love forever, Mom
Tears stream silently down my face as I stare at the letter. “She knew,” I murmur under my breath between sniffles. “She knew she was likely going to die when she gave birth.”
“Fuck, Hayes.” Demi’s hand is on my thigh and I turn to see she’s battling her own tear-fest.
Same with Raegan on the other side of her. They didn’t want me to feel claustrophobic between them–like that’s a thing–so they sat next to me… together, while I read the letter out loud.
“I’m a therapist, and for the first time in my life… I have no words. What are you going to do?”
A mixture of thoughts and feelings swirl around like a tornado in my head. My brows furrow as I work to make sense of it all. I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but– “I need to see my father.”
50
Hayes
“Baby, you don’t have to do this right now,” Raegan reassures from the backseat of my car, squeezing my shoulder gently as she sighs. “What you just read… you should take a beat and process it.”
She’s not wrong. Ishouldtake some time. The thing is… all I’ve had is fucking time. My palms are slicked with sweat as they rest on the steering wheel. My face feels hot and every nerve ending I have is vibrating with unleashed rage. I’ve spent over forty years carrying this weight like a shadow I couldn’t seem to shake. No matter what I did, my father’s words were always there, lurking around the corner, waiting to pounce when I least expected it. It cost me so much.
“No. I’m done. I have to do this and I have to do it now.” I release my grip on the wheel and quickly exit the car, both my girls following suit.
Raegan and Demi take my hands as we stride across the parking lot towards the plain and unassuming main entrance ofLoving Arms Extended Care Facility. That has to be the most ironic name I’ve ever seen. Loving arms, my ass. The man listed as my father on my birth certificate never knew how to love. I’ve been here only a handful of times, usually to take care of some type of business. That business was almost always financial.
No matter how many times I’ve been here, one thing is certain. Thiswillbe my last.
The entrance doors slide open and we all walk through, still hand in hand with my girls. I turn my head to one side and then the other, considering them both with love and pride. For the first time in my life, I’m seeing clearly.
We stop at the front desk, where the clerk is sitting, paying zero attention and buried in her phone so deep, she doesn’t even see us walk up.
Demi clears her throat and… Holly… looks up. “Can I help you?” she asks, obviously disinterested in anything going on around her.
