Be back soon. Have some coffee.
Eat something.
XO, Ryker
If I thought saying his name didn’t feel right, it feels even less right to see him write it. I actually hate it. At this point, he’s Sir or Daddy and I have no desire to call him anything else.
After I’ve made my coffee, I pull out a bowl and pour myself some cereal.
Good enough.
Last night was a lot. I can’t say I’m not relieved that mom knows about us, although it could have gone smoother. It’s never a fun time hearing your mother call you a hussy and accuse you of stealing her man.
I know Ryker hates that I let her talk to me that way, I could see it on his face, but it’s easier to take it than fight back. It’s not like she’ll change, and until I can find another option, I’m all she has.
We talked after he went for a walk and I asked her flat out if there was truth to his accusations. She denied them all, first telling me he was lying and then that it’s a simple case of miscommunication. I don’t understand why she would do the things he accused her of, but I also don’t think he would lie about it either. When she finally left, I told her I needed some time to think, hoping it’ll buy me time to figure out my jumbled thoughts. Nothing makes sense and I’m struggling to sort through it all.
The only thing that helps me get through the mess, is knowing he’ll hold me through the pain once it’s over. And that’s exactly what he did when he got home. Now he’s gone again and I’d give anything for his arms to be around me again.
61
Ryker
Evening came so fast. I didn’t expect to take so long.
Turning the key, I open the door, and immediately see her sleeping in my chair, wearing nothing but my old college hoodie. Fuck if the sight alone doesn’t have my pulse skyrocketing and my heart pumping hard in my chest. I remember the first day I brought her here. Now she takes up the space like it’s her own. If I had it my way, I’d give her everything.
I sit across from her, but she doesn’t move, so I reach over and gently caress her bare thigh.
“Hey, Daddy,” she yawns. “What time is it?”
“Later than I was planning. I’m sorry, sweet girl. Did you eat?”
She nods and it makes me smile, because I also remember a time when I had to push her to actually eat. Lately, she hasn’t pushed back on that issue. Good. I fucking love her body. She should eat whatever she wants, whenever she wants. Full stop.
“Good girl,” I praise as I stare at her like I’m trying to memorize every part of her. Probably because I am. “Baby, we need to talk.”
“Okay,” she says suspiciously and my chest tightens at her wariness.
I wipe my clammy palms against my jeans and ball my hands into fists. I’ve never had a problem with eye contact, but looking her in the eyes for this is going to break me. Nothing has changed, I have to do it. Then I blow out a shaky breath. Here goes nothing.
“There’s no easy way to talk to you about this, but we need to revisit our original agreement. We said we’d do it after a few months and that time has come.”
“Okay. Well, I want to keep doing this with you. Can we do another one?” She blinks in my direction like she’s confused, trying to figure out what my point is. “I give you my explicit and enthusiastic consent.”
Reaching across, I pull her small hands into mine. “Here’s the thing. I want nothing more than to keep doing this with you and I don’t need or want an agreement to do it. We’ve moved way beyond agreements and contracts at this point. That ship has fully sailed.” I wince as she lets out a slow, measured breath. “But I do think we need to take a break.”
“What? No! I don’t want that.” She pulls her hands from mine and I can already see the tears pooling in her eyes.
“Shhh,” I let out in a lame attempt to soothe her. “I need you to listen to what I have to say, please.”
Fuck, I don’t want to do this.
“Don’t do this,” she pleads so softly, I can barely hear it.
“I’m doing thisbecauseI love you, Bella. I wish you could see yourself how I see you. Beautiful, smart, kind, loving. You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. There is not a thing in this world I wouldn’t give you or do for you, because you literally hold my heart in your hands. My heart will always belong to you. But I’m holding you back and I won’t do it anymore. Your mother is a problem. She treats you like shit… and you let her.I can’t sit by and watch it happen, because it breaks my heart and I’ll never stop wanting to fight your battles and demons for you. This one… only you can fight. And until you do… this can’t continue.”
As soon as the words leave my lips, I wish I could take them back.
