“I’m sorry. What I said earlier was insensitive. I know how close you were with Will. He was a great man and he adored you.”
He tilted his head slightly as if listening to me, but his chest rose and fell, his breathing raspy. He’d always been on the edge as ayoung man, reckless in every activity he undertook. Now I feared he was ready to jump.
“Just go away, Kenzie. This isn’t something you can help me with. No one can.”
“Axe. Talking might help.”
“Leave. Me. Alone.”
That was the last thing he needed. When I didn’t jump like he demanded, I fought my nerves to remain right where I was. He needed someone. Damn it. I refused to allow him to slam the door in my face. Not again.
“I remember when you won the rodeo that May before I left for school. Will was so proud of you. He was yelling the loudest, telling everyone you’d just won the finals.” I kept my voice soft, comforting.
A strange expression crossed his face, but he shook his head, both appreciating and hating the memory.
“Did you know your brother was in attendance?”
“You mean the finals of the Professional Bull Riding in Fort Worth that year. Nah, I had no idea.”
“He was. That was the one where you beat the shit out of your closest competitor, which happened to be the kid being tutored and mentored by my father. You were unbelievable.”
“I didn’t know either one of you were there.”
I laughed, mostly to try to break through the tension. He remained stiff as if uncertain why I was bothering. “I don’t know how you didn’t hear Will. He was screaming your name. So was everyone else. And yeah, I asked Daddy to take me with him. Iwanted to see you perform one last time. Like I said, Will adored you. I don’t know what happened, but I do know you would never intentionally hurt anyone.”
“You don’t know me, Kenz.”
“Bullshit. I call bullshit.”
He took a swig of his drink before hanging his head. “The fucking fire was mostly routine, something we’d tackled numerous times. He shouldn’t have died that day. He was distracted because of me.”
“What do you mean because of you?”
“The fire seemed routine, but the weather appeared unpredictable. Given we are shorthanded, Will was in charge of the operation and I ignored his rules at one point. I left the team, saving another jumper without authorization. Afterwards, we got into an argument. Then he went up in the helicopter, which I told him not to do, but you didn’t tell my brother to do or not to do something. That’s not the way it worked with him. He lost control. Wind drove him into the trees and he crashed right in front of me. There was nothing that could be done to save him. Nothing.”
“I’m so, so sorry, Axe. But you didn’t cause the accident. And that’s what it was. An accident.”
“You weren’t there! He would have listened to me when I warned him about the possible wind shears had I not disobeyed rules.”
“No, I wasn’t there, but from what you told me, he was doing his job and he was good at it. Wasn’t he?”
“He was the best at what he did. The best of all of us.”
He was talking about his brother as a family member. Not as a smokejumper.
“You both are.”
“Fuck that. It should have been me.”
Very slowly, I moved around the island toward him. The tension increased but he didn’t push me away. When I was directly behind him, I raised my arms twice before I was able to place my hands on his forearms. “No, it shouldn’t have been either one of you. But the accident is not your fault.”
He threw his head back, slamming his fist on the counter. “Fuck. Why did he die? Why didn’t he listen to me?”
As soon as I stroked his arm, he took a scattered breath and I was certain he would pull away from me. I wasn’t fooling myself. I had no idea what he needed at this point and it seemed as if my presence caused him pain. That’s not what I wanted at all.
“I don’t know, Axe. However, he knew the risks and was highly trained. It was an accident and not your fault.”
“Like I said. You weren’t there.” The agony in his voice nearly shattered a portion of my soul. “You can’t understand.”
