He reaches out like he’s going to touch me but drops his hand even before I jerk backward. “You’re right. You’re right. I never should have tried to stop you from fighting.”
His admission blows some of the momentum out ofmy anger. I hug my arms to my chest and wait for him to continue.
“I didn’t plan it. I didn’t even mean to. It was instinct. You were in danger, and protecting you is what I do.”
“I know that. You know how grateful I am for every time you’ve saved me. But you’ve never done something like that before. You’ve never tried to hold me back from the fight. You’ve never tried to stop me from being me. Even if you wanted to, you should have known I’d never allow it.”
“I did know. I do know. But it’s not as easy as knowing.” His feelings have been unleashed too, and he’s as passionate as I am. Louder. Continually having to stop himself from reaching out for me. “It’s instinct. Bone-deep instinct. To do anything in my power to keep you safe. I’m gonna try to never do what I did today again. I know I shouldn’t’ve done it. But you gotta understand that if you’re the woman who always runs into the fight, then I’m the man who’s always gonna keep you safe.”
“You can’t do it by holding me back!”
“I know.” He rubs his face with both hands vigorously, like he’s trying to clear fog from his head. “I know. I said I’m sorry, and I’ll try not to do it again.”
“And you think that settles it? You think everything is fine now?” I’m gaping at him, still wracked with the pain of what felt like a betrayal.
“No, of course not. I know you’re pissed with me, and you have every right to be. But you’re actin’ like thischanges everythin’, and I’m tellin’ you that nothin’ has changed. I’ve always wanted to?—”
“But you’ve never done it before!”
The words startle both of us. We stare at each other for several seconds, no sound in the room but our ragged breathing.
“You’ve never done anything like this before,” I manage to get out through the hard lump in my throat. “It’s only now—now that things have changed between us—that you do something like that. When you promised me what we have wouldn’t interfere with our mission. You promised me I could be soft with you but stay strong with the rest of the world. I went into this whole thing believing you. Believing I could be with you and still… still beme.”
Despite my best efforts, a few tears have leaked from my eyes to stream down my face.
“And then in the very first fight you hold me down. Literally. You used your strength, and you held me down.”
“Ba—” He stops himself from using the endearment. His expression is openly emotional. There are no tears in his eyes, but I can hear them in his voice. “I’m so sorry. I messed up. I knew it from the beginning, and I can see now how bad it was. That it was a real… a real…”
“Betrayal.”
He nods, his face twisting again like he’s trying to hold on to his control. “I promise I didn’t plan it. I never woulda done it if I’d had time to think. But they were shootin’ atyou. For the first time, I almost have everythin’ I’ve ever dreamed of, and I could see all of it bein’ ripped away.”
More tears are falling now. I have to swipe them away. The worst thing is I can feel for him—so deeply.
I know exactly how it feels to almost have everything and then have it torn out of my hands because it’s happening right now to me too.
I sniff a few times and clear my throat. “We agreed from the beginning that we could be together only if it didn’t get in the way of this fight. You’ve always believed in this fight too. It’s always been the most important?—”
“No.” His interruption isn’t sharp or angry. Just blunt. “It’s not the same for us. I do believe in this fight. I’ll die for this fight. You know I will.” He makes a weird guttural noise in his throat. “But listen to me. When I die, it’s gonna be shielding you.”
It hurts so much I start shaking. I turn around so I’m not facing him, hugging myself and trying to control the sobs.
I manage to pull myself together, but I don’t turn back around. I can’t. Nothing I can remember has hurt as much as this does.
There’s a reason I’ve always stayed hidden behind my hard, impenetrable shell until I finally let it down with Ben.
This—this right here—is the reason.
“So is it…” His voice breaks, so he starts again. “Is it over then? Is this the end for us?”
“I don’t… I don’t know.”
“Okay.”
He actually sounds relieved, which surprises me so much I turn around.
He doesn’t look happy or hopeful though. He looks as battered and exhausted as I feel. “I let you down. I didn’t mean to. Hurtin’ you is the last thing in the world I’d ever do. But I did it. If you need time, you can have it.”
