I nod, relieved that I’m not being forced to make the worst kinds of decisions right now.
“But I’m not givin’ up,” Ben adds.
“What?”
“I’m not givin’ up. I’m gonna be right here—at your side, havin’ your back—waitin’ for you to trust me again. I’m gonna do better. I’m not gonna hold you back that way again. Fightin’ the instinct to protect you is gonna be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But as hard as it is, I gotta let you be the wholeyou.” He gives me a ghost of his old warm, dry smile. “’Cause it’s always been the wholeyouthat I love.”
25
I barely sleep that night.
After years in this life, I know how to snatch sleep from nothing, how to make my body unwind even when my mind continues spinning. But I can’t do it this time. Even brutally aware that the day we’ve been working toward for almost a year is only hours away, I can’t do anything but toss and turn in the dark, brooding about Ben and what happened between us and how everything remains heartbreakingly unresolved.
Nothing about my life has been easy from the day I was born, but I can’t remember a worse night since I walked out on Chad.
I get up at dawn like normal, sitting up from the sofa in the command station where I’ve been sleeping most nights. Stretching out my back, I glance down and see that Ben is in his normal spot on the floor beside me.
He’s still stretched out on his mat, but he’s not asleep either. We stare at each other in silence until the air between us aches.
Finally I give my head a little shake and break the gaze.
My head hurts. My eyes hurt. Every muscle in my body hurts. And my heart hurts the most.
But today is the long-awaited time for action, so my feelings simply can’t matter.
The morning passes slowly.Everyone at the outpost is tense and restless, waiting for the hour we finally make a move.
Attacking at dawn would be the obvious choice, but that’s also when they’re most likely to expect an assault. So instead, we will do what no one ever does.
Attack as the sun goes down.
Our entire company is primed and ready. By midmorning, our weaponry and supplies are packed and loaded. After that, there’s nothing to do but keep watch and hang around waiting.
It’s not fun for me or anyone else.
I’ve felt sick to my stomach since the moment I got up, so I eat nothing more than a few bites of bread. Ben was bristly over breakfast as he watched me not eat, but he didn’t say anything.
Good thing.
I have no idea what I might have done if he’d tried to boss me right now—even over something as minor as eating.
We finally make it to lunch, but the time moves even slower after that.
Ben decides to hang out with Ryan in the command station, and I sit around in the courtyard with Vella, Jim, and Carlos. They chat now and then, but no one is cheerful or talkative. Everyone wants to get moving.
Especially me.
Jim and Carlos are trying to grab a few minutes of a rest, reclined with their heads on their packs, when Vella turns to me and says softly, “What’s going on with Ben?”
“What do you mean?” I keep my tone casual, but my spine has stiffened.
“You know what I mean. Did you dump the poor guy and break his big heart?”
“What?”This time my hushed voice squeaks slightly.
Vella rolls her eyes. “I know. Everyone knows. Did you really think you were keeping it secret?”
My mouth grows dry. I can’t get a word out or even take a full breath.
