Either quiet or talking, it doesn’t feel uncomfortable.
He’s wearing a black tank top displaying the curves of his muscles, and I glance between him and the road, trying not to let my eyes linger on him but focus on driving. He pulls away from the glass to look at me. “How long have you had this car?”
“Since I was sixteen.”
“Wow.”
I nod. “Eight years. It was my mother’s.” And it runs on swear words, blood, and bodily threats. If it stops running, I’m fucked.
I sneak another look at him. He’s so easy to look at. That’s all. It’s why I can’t stop looking. He’s both handsome and pretty rolled into one irritating person.
The thing is, I’ve never thought of someone like that. I don’t even know what I’m feeling. Anger mostly. Anger and something equally as hot, sitting low in my stomach and making me nauseous. I don’t know what to do about it. What I do know is that wanting to hang out tonight is a mistake. I just don’t want to go home is all.
It’s different than how I feel when I’m hanging out with Cam.
I take another left down a smaller dirt road. There are so many in this town it keeps me busy for hours. I know my way around most of them by now.
I need to be careful about how much I spend on gas, but sometimes it’s worth it to go for a long drive and clear my head.
It’s the only thing keeping me sane most nights.
“Where are we going?”
“There’s a field up here. It’s a park.” I’ve slept there a few times. It’s warm tonight, and the onyx sky breaks apart with the shine of stars. I drive a little further before we come to the clearing and parking lot. I park and get out of the car, soaking in the warm night air. It’s not too humid. It’s perfect.
I pull myself up onto the hood and watch as Sawyer joins me, sitting beside me. “We should play a game.”
I shake my head. “I’m done with you and your friends’ brand of fun.”
“Something easy. Clothes stay on.” My head swivels toward him, my eyes doing a slow crawl over his body, lingering on his arms then his chest.
I clear my throat. “What game?”
“Light and dark.”
“Light and dark?”
“It’s something my mother used to play with us. You ask a question, and then the person being asked says something positive and something negative about it.”
“Why?”
“Balance.” He shrugs. “My mother always used to say there’s brightness in every darkness and dark in every light. If you’re ever feeling upset or angry, think about what the light would be. There’s always a positive.”
“And if you’re happy to remember everything is shit and there’s no point?”
He shakes his head with a tiny smile. “With the happy, embrace it. Cherish it. Because bad things can happen, but nothing can take the happy memories away. It’s more a reminder.” I watch the way his throat moves.
He swipes his eyes. Shit, is he? No, please no. No tears. Tears, I just?—
“Fuck, really?” He laughs bitterly. “Sorry. Fuck.” He wipes his eyes with the heels of his palms. “Sorry.” He takes a breath, blinking fast and shaking his head. “Fuck.”
“What’s wrong?”
He shakes his head. “Well, apparently I’m choosing this moment to really let everything sink in.”
“What do you mean?”
“She’s gone. My mom is gone. The most important person in my life is gone, and I’m never going to see her ever again. Not ever. No matter what, that’s it, and I’m trying hard to find the light in that, and I can’t do it. It’s all darkness. It fucking sucks.” He lets out a ragged breath. “Holy shit, I need to stop.”
