“Also been there.”
I don’t know what to do. It changed everything. Or maybe I was already changing and Sawyer just put the final nail in my coffin. “Then I left him a note the morning after. He went to sleep and I left.”
Cam throws his head back, groaning. “Dude, running from your feelings never works. Believe me, I’m a professional runner.”
“There’s reasons I can’t do this with him.”
“But you did do this with him,” Cam says. “While sure, a lot of people can just hook up and go about their day like nothing, Sawyer’s not like that. If he had sex with you, it’s because he likes you, and leaving him like that probably fucked him up. No wonder he’s pissed. You need to talk to him.”
“I don’t know how.”
Cold-hearted asshole.
Cam walks up to me, and I wish it were months ago when this was him whining about his feelings. Life was much simpler. Horrible, sure. But simple. I miss simple.
“Doesn’t matter if you know how. Just do it. Then figure out the rest.”
I’m stupid.Or Sawyer’s made me stupid. I’m not sure which one. I’m still not sure what I’m feeling. My chest feels magnetic. My heart has guided my brain and body here to him. I look up and see no lights on, but I need to talk to him.
I walk around the building, taking the back steps up to his door, and knock. I wait but I don’t see a light flick on. Maybe he’s not here. I know it’s late, but I need to talk to him.
Finally the door opens and Sawyer blinks sleepily. “Whatever the fuck this is, I don’t want to hear it.”
He shuts the door and I catch it with my foot. “Sawyer?—”
“Leave me alone, Aiden.”
“Wait. Please listen to me.”
“I’ve made it clear what you mean to me, and regardless of how you felt about the situation, leaving like that... That hurt. You hurt me.”
“All I did was leave.”
“I took care of you all week. Fuck, Aiden. How do you not feel this? Like at all. Do you understand how leaving like that made me feel?Thanks?That’s it, just thanks? Even if you don’t give a shit about me, to leave me like that. After everything. What happened between us was intense. It was different and you know it.”
I don’t know what to do. Every instinct I have twists and breaks. My plans crumble and it scares me how fast the words leave me. “I do care.”
“No. You don’t. Not like I need you to.” He goes to shut the door, and I stop it with my hand in the door frame. I don’t care if he slams it on my fingers; I need to talk to him. “Aiden.”
“Please let me in.”
“No. I’m done. You don’t want me and you keep toying with me because you’re bored. It’s bullshit.” He sighs. “I’m tired, okay? I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of giving chances to people who fuck with me, or to people who like me less than I like them.”
A lie springs to my lips, but I can’t force myself to say it. I should say I don’t give a shit and walk away. There’s too much riding on this, so why can’t I? This isn’t a crush. This isn’t some stupid, silly feeling. It’s heavy, and I don’t know if it means something, but it feels like it might.
I want him, and I’m selfish. So fucking selfish.
My fingers wrap around the edge of the door frame, and step through it. I back him up into the house. “I’m fucking terrified.” I lock the door. “And I don’t know how to do this. I’ve never done this. I’m going to hurt you. That’s the last thing I want, but I want you. I can’t take how bad I want you. I thought I needed space from you, but how can I have space when you’re all around me, fucking up my head and my heart?
Sawyer swallows. “You act like you feel nothing.”
“Don’t tell me I don’t feel anything. It’s all I fucking feel. It scares the shit out of me, but I want it. I want all of it. I have no business wanting this, but I do. I want the cliché romance bullshit. I want the couple fights, the romantic gestures, the snuggling in bed with your skin against mine. I want it all and I fucking hate it!” I blink at my confession, taking a breath. My chest is heaving. My eyes sting.
“You hate it? That’s just great Aiden.” He turns into the house. I reach out and touch his bicep, and slowly he turns to me. My heart plummets to the floor.
I deflate, looking away. I can’t meet his eyes. “I hate that I don’t hate it.”
He’s quiet for a moment, and I can’t help looking up to see him smirking. “You want to snuggle me?” He laughs.
