Sierra jerked into a half-seated position, threw her head back, and cried out as the first orgasm ripped through her. Her body shuddered with the force of it, her breasts heaved with every strained breath, and when she looked down and saw Benji between her legs, his eyes closed, his mouth gently teasing her, savouring her, his fingers curling inside of her, the pleasure burst from her in one long, loud moan.
He broke away, gentled his thrusts, crooned, ‘That’s it,’ his voice filled with approval.
‘Benji,’ she panted, as wave after wave slammed through her. She was unhinged. Shaking. Overwhelmed.
Sensing her rising emotion, Benji slowly withdrew. He kissed her thighs. ‘Relax, Si,’ he said gently. ‘You’re okay. I’m right here.’
She collapsed back onto the sleeping bag, but only for a moment, and the second he lay down beside her, she pushed up onto her knees.
Sierra was filled with a new and strange sense of panic. It was silly that an orgasm could push her over that threshold she’d so carefully maintained – but it had. Because being with Benji, being loved by Benji, was perfect. But it didn’t stop all those other fears. If anything, it brought them all back to the surface.
It was as if, in accepting him back into her bed and finding peace, even momentarily, her brain needed to find another way to sabotage her. So that, even as she yanked his jeans off, straddled him, gave him one firm stroke, and sank onto him, those other emotions rose too.
As she began to move her hips, riding him, she wondered what she would do if they tried for another baby, and it didn’t work out. She wondered why he loved her when she hated herself so much.
Their relationship was complicated. Because as much as Sierra pushed him away, she had known in her heart that he would always stay, even when it wasn’t in his best interests. And on her worst days, knowing it had helped her to keep her head above the water.
What type of person did that make her?
She was so unattainable just then. Only Sierra Hunt could be touching him,filledwith him, and still so fucking far away. But because he wasn’t sure that she was ready for his anger, because he was too afraid he might chase her away again, Benji took a deep, calming breath, gripped her hips, and held her in place, stopping her frantic movements.
‘Benji,’ she pouted, and wriggled in frustration.
He shifted, coming into a seated position so that they were chest to chest. He wrapped his arms around her, whispered, ‘Come back to me, my love.’
She didn’t deny it. She slumped, started to climb off.
He pinned her in place, thrust once to bring her attention back to him.
‘If you don’t want to fuck me—’
‘I don’t want to fuck you this time. I want to make love with you, Sierra.’ He kissed her neck, bit down gently. ‘I want you to be here with me, loving me back, instead of inside your own head.’ His hands released her, and he pulled out of her, but only long enough to gently lie her back down.
Benji covered her body with his own, gently brushed away the single tear that fell down her cheek, and she apologized, saying, ‘I’m sorry. I can’t turn off my brain sometimes, and I …’ She shook her head. ‘I’m scared, Benji.’
‘Of me?’ he asked, horrified.
‘Ofus. I’m so tired of hurting, so tired of being sad. And whichever way you cut it, you and I will always have pain between us. And even as I try to resist it –you– I know we’re inevitable. But maybe that’s not a good thing.’ She lowered her voice, added, ‘Every legend with fated love ends badly.’
And didn’t he feel exactly the same way? ‘We will always have pain between us,’ he ceded slowly, thinking through how to comfort her while being honest at the same time. ‘Of course we will. But we have so much more than that too. We have years and years of friendship. And love. Years of laughter.’ And then he said the only thing he knew to be absolutely true. ‘We aregoodtogether, Sierra.’
‘I don’t think I’m good for you. I’m toxic.’
‘Don’t say that.’ The words came out angry, so he softened his tone, and added, ‘You’re not toxic; you’re traumatized. And, even then, you’re perfect for me,’ he repeated what he’d said earlier. ‘On your worst day, you’re still my woman. I’ll always be here to pull you out of your own mind. But you have to let me in, Si. Let me help. I can handle your demons when they come.’
‘How?’ she rasped.
‘With love.’
Sierra smiled. She swiped at the tears on her face.
Desperate for a little lightness again, Benji quirked an eyebrow, said, ‘I feel that a physical demonstration of the ways in which I could distract you from your thoughts would be appropriate here.’
Sierra’s eyes widened with surprise. She laughed, and it was unexpectedly bright. ‘You were the one who stopped,’ she reminded him. Reaching between them, she closed her hand around him, gave his steel length one quick pump.
Benji bit back a groan. ‘I love when you ride me,’ he replied and positioned himself at her entrance again. ‘But only when you’re enjoying it as much as I am.’
Her movements slowed. ‘I just get lost sometimes …’
