‘I’m a terrible person,’ she said eventually, biting back the self-pitying sob that clawed up her throat with merciless intent.
‘No.’
‘I am,’ she argued. ‘What type of person is devastated by such happy news? What type of person feelsangrywhen the people she loves most in the world are so happy?’ She swiped at her nose, furious with herself for falling apart.
‘You can be sad for yourself and still be happy for Mav and Nina,’ he said gently. ‘Jesus, Sierra, they understand that.’
The rational part of her knew that there was truth in what he was saying. But knowing it didn’t help. She had tried so hard to outrun her despair, but now she was simply too tired to keep moving forward. ‘I just don’t know when I became this person,’ she whispered. ‘This angry,emptyperson.’
‘October twenty-second, 2024,’ he said even as she shook her head, begging him not to go there. ‘And you’re not empty. You’re too full – of anger and grief. And loneliness. Christ, Si, anyone can see that you’ve pushed everyone away.’
‘Benji—’
‘No.’ When his voice came out harsh, he cursed.
Sierra glanced sideways and watched as he took a deep breath.
He leaned forward, rested both arms on the steering wheel, and said, gently now, ‘You’ve been so strong for so long, Si. But you haven’t let yourself process what happened. Sometimes I look at you, and I …’
‘You what?’
‘I wonder how you survive it.’ His eyes, burning with grief, met hers. ‘I wonder how much longer you can hold on before breaking.’
‘You’re one to talk.’ She bit back her anger, shifted to glare out of the windshield.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ When she only rolled her eyes, he pushed. ‘No, tell me.’
‘You bounced back just fine,’ she accused. And she hated herself for it, for taking it out on him.
He paled. Even with nothing but moonlight, she saw the way his skin went ashen. ‘Is that really what you think?’ he asked, his voice hoarse.
‘You didn’t even wait twenty-four hours before …’ She couldn’t even say it. Couldn’t bring herself to acknowledge that the life she had carried for all those long months had been reduced to ashes alongside her dreams. In twenty-four hours. One day.
‘I thought it would help,’ he rasped. ‘You wouldn’t hold Her or look at Her and I couldn’t stand the thought of Her lying alone and cold in the hospital morgue. I—’
‘Stop,’ Sierra rasped.
He bit off his words with a sharp twist of his head. ‘If I didn’t show you how broken I was it was only because I was trying to be strong – for you, Sierra. I thought if I could just keep it together for a little while, I could hold you while you broke.’ He laughed bitterly. ‘Joke’s on me.’ He let his head fall back against the headrest. ‘Jesus, it always is when it comes to you.’
‘I’ve given you every opportunity to leave, Benji.’ Sierra clenched both hands into tight fists. ‘God, I’ve pushed and pushedand pushed.’ Exhausted from the events of the day – the year – she laughed loudly, wildly. ‘Why do you stay?Why are you here?’
She had forgotten how quickly he could move, how quickly that cool, calm demeanour could turn to whiplash temper when provoked.
Before she could register what was happening, he had leaned across the centre console separating them. Before she could raise her hands to push him off, he had ripped his jacket off her and gripped the lapels of her blazer with both hands. Before she could curse him, he crushed his mouth to hers.
The kiss was bruising. Consuming.
He’d done it to answer her question, to remind her why he stayed, but the moment he touched her, Sierra exploded.
All those volatile, suppressed emotions that simmered perpetually beneath the surface, making her skin crawl, were smothered by the intensity of her need. It was so good, sopeaceful. The kiss eclipsed everything, giving her rest from her constant vigilance. So, instead of pulling back or slapping him as she knew he’d expected, she grabbed a fistful of his hair and whenhewould have pulled back,shetook them deeper.
Her body was alive. Her heart, always so quietly empty, thrashed with excitement. Her core was already slick – because she knew what he could do to her. She knew that he could make it go away, even for a little while.
Breath heaving, hands fumbling for purchase, she began to climb across the centre console – only to be rudely yanked back. It took her a full three seconds to realize that she was still wearing her seatbelt, and that in her frenzy to get to him, it had locked in place, stopping her.
Sierra nearly took it as a sign. She hesitated.
But Benji just said, ‘Nope,’ and leaning across the seat, unbuckled her seatbelt, freeing her again. He gripped her arm, and although he didn’t yank her over the centre console, the way he guided her, his grip unrelenting, left no doubt in her mind that she was being handled.
