‘Okay.’
Benji blinked, surprised by her instant acceptance. He’d expected to fight about it. ‘You’ll go?’
‘Yes.’
‘I need you to stop blowing hot and cold. It hurts too much, to be alternately allowed in and then cast aside when it gets too scary for you.’ Because she was crying fully now, he lost his own resolve and pulled her into his open jacket. He closed it around her and shut his eyes when she wrapped both arms around him and held on tightly. But because she hadn’t replied, he said, ‘We’re all in. Or we’re done. I can’t …’
‘I’m all in.’ She craned her neck back so that their eyes met. ‘I want to marry you.’
‘Yeah?’ he rasped.
‘Tomorrow. In court. With our family there. I don’t want to wait another day.’
Benji’s head reeled. ‘You … You want to get married – tomorrow?’
As she had once before, she threw her head back and yelled, ‘Yes!’
He laughed and tightened his grip on her as his heart raced mercilessly fast. There was a part of him that couldn’t believe it. He felt as if he were in a dream, in his ripest fantasy.
‘I have a dress already.’
That shocked him. ‘You kept it?’
Sierra nodded. ‘I think … It was the one future I could never say goodbye to. The one thing I still wanted but was too afraid to admit. I think it just hit me today. I knew, Benji. I knew we’d end up trying again, and I wasn’t ready. I’m still not ready,’ she admitted shakily.
‘We don’t have to try again,’ he said instantly, even though he desperately wanted to. ‘It’s not important.’
‘Yes, it is,’ she argued. ‘And if we do this again, you’re going to have to start being honest with me, Benji. Even when it hurts. You stopped …’ She shook her head when the tears stole her voice, but as soon as she had composed herself, she tried to explain, ‘After my mom died, you were the one person who I could always trust to give me difficult truths, to meet me head-on. And then After, you stopped …’
‘I didn’t know how to help you,’ Benji whispered. ‘And it made me feel incompetent. Useless.’ He wanted her to understand that it wasn’t always easy for him, knowing where they’d each come from. ‘You’re my woman. I’m supposed to love you and protect you, and After … I didn’t know how. And it made me feel like I wasn’t worthy, like I’d been given this chance with Sierra Hunt – and had failed at it.’
‘It isn’t your job to fix me, Benji. It’s mine. And even though I’ll need your support, it’s going to take time. All I can promise today is that I will try.’
‘I’ll be right there with you, working on myself too.’
‘And you’ll stop comparing how we were raised and using it as a yardstick?’ Sierra asked. When he didn’t reply right away, she added, ‘It’s stupid. And it dishonours my parents and all the love they put into raising you. And it dishonours you, and all the work you’ve done to become the man you are.’
She broke him with her words. Because wasn’t that just it? Wasn’t he terrified that she’d wake up one day and see him, or maybe, see where he’d come from? ‘Si …’
‘It’s a line for me, Benji. I need you to start seeing yourself as I see you: Strong, vital, and kind. Hardworking. Loving. Supportive.’
Because he was overcome, he repeated what she’d said. ‘All I can promise today is that I will try.’
‘I have one last demand.’
Because she sounded so serious, he tensed. But because he’d still do his best for her always, he asked, ‘What is it?’
She inhaled a shaky breath, barely managed the words: ‘Can you show me the picture?’
Benji’s eyes burned. He knew that she was making that first giant leap and that she was trying to show him that she would keep her promises. ‘We can take it slow. You don’t have to—’
‘Yes. I do.’ Her face was ashen. Bloodless. Her eyes two impossibly dark pools. And even though he knew how much it cost her, she raised one hand to his face, nodded shakily. ‘Show me my baby.’
Benji released her, but only so that he could fumble for his wallet in his jeans. He pulled it out and gingerly removed the photo he’d had printed so that he could always remember. He handed it to her face down in case she decided she couldn’t do it.
But Sierra slowly tore her eyes from his. She turned the photo over, her movements achingly slow.
He’d asked Mav to take the photo before the staff had taken Her away. In it, Benji cradled their daughter with both hands as he stared down at her little round face. Her eyes were closed peacefully. Wrapped in the pink blanket, she looked like she’d just fallen asleep.
