He stood for minutes, trying to fight the sickness that the separation instilled in him. He felt tired down to his bones. His soul was fighting his feet. Even his stomach, usually so settled, was a nauseous mess.
‘You just need time,’ he reminded himself. ‘It’ll get easier.’
He climbed back into the truck and closed the door. He started the engine, put his foot on the gas and, unable to look forward yet, glanced back in his side mirror.
His first thought when he saw the cloud of dust, rising like smoke from a fire, wasdust devil. He had almost convinced himself of it when he heard it – his name, shouted, accompanied by the sound of thundering hooves.
He slammed on the brakes and was out of the truck in a heartbeat. He saw her coming, galloping on Ty like some warrior huntress tracking runaway soldiers for slaughter. She was in jeans and boots and his old hoodie. Her hair flew wildly behind her. At her side, Shadow ran.
For one impossibly long moment, he watched her approach, and his heart raced in his chest. She was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen – always. He watched her ride and his heart leapt with joy. Laughter bubbled up his throat.
And then she got close enough that he noticed she was galloping bareback, and his heart went cold with fear. His laughter died. He jogged the last fifty feet between them, and when she brought Ty to a quick stop using nothing but her legs, extended in front of her, he grabbed the horse’s halter. As soon as he had a handle of the horse, the rage came, heating his blood, and when he saw the makeshift reins, he roared, ‘What the fuck, Sierra?’
Her dark eyes widened in shock.
‘You haven’t ridden in a year, and then just decide to gallop without a fucking saddle or riding hat or goddamn reins!’ He was so mad, he didn’t see the humour flicker in her eyes or the smile tugging at her lips. ‘Idiot!’
Sierra laughed, but it was watery and a little incredulous.
Benji glared up at her, but he held the makeshift reins in a death grip, terrified that she might turn around and ride straight back out of his life. ‘Get off the horse.’
She shook her head no.
‘Sierra,’ he warned. ‘Get off, or I’ll …’
‘You’ll what?’ she responded, half taunting, half angry, he knew, over the fact that he had actually threatened her.
‘I’ll drag you off,’ he warned. ‘Don’t push me right now.’ His heart was still pumping furiously.
While it didn’t occur to Benji in his rage, if he’d paused for just a moment, he would have realized that the wild and reckless decision was resonant of Sierra-Before.
Sierra cocked her head as if gauging the probability of him actually doing it.
‘Sierra.’
‘Benji.’
‘Off.’
This time she grinned, but she slid her right leg over and dropped off the horse.
The moment her feet were on solid ground, he spun her around. ‘What the hell were you thinking?’ he demanded hotly.
She tipped her face up haughtily, but when she spoke, her voice wasn’t altogether steady. ‘I was thinking: I gotta catch my man before he leaves me for good.’ When he just stared at her, trying to decide if he’d hallucinated the words, she shrugged as if it were no big deal. ‘You weren’t answering your phone.’
Benji didn’t know what to say. Of all the ways he’d thought today might end, he could never, in his wildest dreams, thought thatshemight come afterhim. ‘Si …’
‘No.’ Sierra slapped her hand over his lips, suddenly serious. ‘No. Let me go first.’ She exhaled a big breath. ‘I have things I need to say to you, and they’re not going to be easy. So … I just need you to listen, okay?’
He nodded, and she slowly lowered her hand. ‘I’m sorry. I know I’ve said those two words to you too many times in the last few weeks, but also not enough in the past year. Not for every time I’ve hurt you.
‘I’ve been so scared, so lost.’ She laughed sadly. ‘I still am. But Ineedyou, Benji,’ she said those words he’d just been thinking. ‘I need your love and your compassion. I need your strength. Because nobody else can handle me.’
Benji wanted to stop her. He wanted to tell her that she didn’t need to explain herself, and that they were fated. Inevitable. Destined. But, strangely, he remembered what Mav had told him about expecting things from her, and he remembered how things had been between them Before. They’d been equals who had fought and loved with a balanced arsenal. And so, instead, he said, very quietly, ‘I need things from you too, Si,’ and it was painful and hard to give her an ultimatum.
But she nodded. Her eyes, glistening with tears, about killed him. ‘Tell me.’
‘I need you to see someone. I don’t care if it’s a traditional therapist or an equine one or a goddamn hypnotist. I don’t care if you want to go to South America and do a week of Ayahuasca. But I need you to start.’ When her first tear fell, he didn’t dare touch her. He forged ahead. ‘I’ll go with you to every session if that’ll help. But I need you to try.’
