‘Well, I got it. I wanted to give it to you on Christmas but my assistant in LA had some drama picking out the right frame for it, so it only arrived last night.’ Markus rolled his eyes. ‘She claims she couldn’t find the right one, and that it was bad luck to frame it wrong.’
Sierra managed a smile. ‘Are you gonna let me see it?’
Markus flipped the picture over and held it in front of her.
Sierra had been expecting a shot of her and Benji – why else would Markus frame a photograph for her? Only, it wasn’t. It was a black-and-white shot of her and Poppy, sitting side by side in the mud. Poppy was crouched and focused on her task. Wisps of her hair that had fallen out of her ballerina bun danced across her face. But Sierra was looking at her niece, a sad smile that even she could recognize as full of longing on her face.
As her eyes filled, Markus spoke quietly, ‘I like to think that the reason we get along so well is because we’re so similar in a lot of ways. So, I hope you understand that when I say, “What the fuck are you doing?” I say it with all the love in my heart.’ He tapped the photo frame once. ‘Because you could have that. Sierra, you could have everything you want.
‘And I can’t tell you what might happen,’ he continued. ‘But I can tell you that if you let him walk away today, you will lose everything anyway. You’ll lose Benji. But you’ll lose all thatpossibilitytoo. And as hard as it is, I think that’s worse than the fear. A life without the possibility of …loveandlaughterand, yes, for you,’ he tipped his head, ‘of babies.’
Sierra closed her eyes as the truth of that washed through her. If she let Benji leave, she would never have all those things – the man she loved, the kids, and the rowdy family gatherings – she so desperately wanted. And still, out of habit, she fought it. She resisted. ‘I’m scared.’
Markus sighed and placed one hand on his cocked hip. ‘Babe, I hate to break it to you: We all are.’
He leaned forward and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. ‘I think the one thing that makes life manageable when it’s at its worst, is having other people we can lean on when things get scary. Shit, I think having even just one person makes the difference. And Benji is your person, Sierra. You know that. You just have to be brave enough to accept it.’
‘Yeah.’ There was no point in arguing. ‘He’s carried me through some pretty dark times – and I’m not talking about the baby.’
‘Your parents?’
She wasn’t sure how that ache could persist after such a long time, but it was there in her chest like some weeping battle wound that had become slowly infected until it had seeped into her bloodstream without her noticing. ‘Did you know he planned the funeral? And that he went to the County morgue t-to identify …’ Sierra rocked herself a little as she tried to stop the wild sob screaming through her soul.
‘No, but it doesn’t surprise me.’
‘And it about killed him, Markus. I saw – when he came home that day. He was …tormented. But he did it anyway – for me. And for Mav.
‘And then with Baby Girl. He triedso hard… And I couldn’t. I know that’s difficult to understand, but …’ She held her hands on either side of her head as if she could hold it on against the weight of her grief. ‘The pressure just got to be too much, and it felt like every time he tried to get me to face it, he only added to it, until …’
‘Until?’
‘Until I snapped a few weeks ago – the day we went wedding dress shopping for Nina and I found out she was pregnant.’
‘What happened?’
Sierra laughed, and it sounded a little hysterical. ‘He came and found me. And he stayed with me the entire night. And when I tried to make a move, he turned me down because I was drunk.’ And although she didn’t say it, wasn’t that exactly why she loved him so much? Benji was selfless and kind and fiercely protective …
Sierra could admit, after everything that had happened, that sometimes love was not enough. But love and commitment were. And Benji not only loved her, but had stuck with her through the storm – even when she had pushed him away. And after everything they’d been through, the only thing that she was absolutely certain of was that she was terrified of the future, but that over the past few weeks, when that fear threatened, all she had wanted was to be sheltered by Benji. When she was in his arms, it was manageable to contemplate.
And she was about to let him walk away.
‘Girl …’
‘I know.’ Sierra nodded slowly as the reality of it – a life without him,Benji– really dawned on her. ‘Shit.’ She gripped her hair with both hands. ‘Shit. Shit. Shit.’
Markus jumped up and down on the spot. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘I … I don’t know.’ Sierra sprang from the bed with supernatural speed. ‘Clothes!’ she yelled as she stripped to her underwear without giving modesty a second thought.
Markus threw a pair of jeans that had been on the floor at her. ‘Hurry up!’
‘I’m hurrying!’ She squeezed into her jeans and slipped on her boots. Markus passed her a hoodie and it was only once it was over her head that she looked down and noticed that it was one of Benji’s.
She wasn’t one to put much stock in fate or signs, but her heart lifted a little at the symbolism.
‘Move!’
‘I’m going!’ She dashed out the room.
