I seek Courtney out in the crowd and find him with Orson again. I don’t get the vibe he’ll be coming home for a while. He’ll probably sneak in late like he did last night. “Courtney will probably stay out late. Are you okay?”
Tucker grins, but it looks tight. “I’m great. I miss Cupcake.”
Something doesn’t feel right, but I’m not going to push. Pushing Tucker is worthless. He comes to me when he’s ready, or not at all, and that’s how it’ll always be.
“Should we help clean up?”
“River said for us to go.”
“All right,” I reply quietly, suddenly feeling a little off foot.
Tucker takes my hand in his and tugs me toward the parking lot. Stars are starting to dot the sky, the sound of the waves somehow louder the farther away we get. There are so many things I want to say, but none of it feels like enough for the moment. So, I do what feels most familiar—I stay quiet. Tucker keeps his hand on my thigh the entire drive back to my place, then keeps his hand on the small of my back as wemake our way into the house. Cupcake wanders slowly up to us, and something cracks open inside me when Tucker dips to his knees to bury his face in her fur. Something feels off, something terribly wrong. But pushing Tucker will only push him away, and I want to keep him as close as possible, for as long as he’ll allow. Even if that’s only for tonight.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
TUCKER
It’s killing me how unsure Charlie looks, even standing in his own kitchen. I leave him alone as I take Cupcake outside, needing a moment to myself to make sure I’m everything Charlie needs. The moon is full overhead, gleaming against the sparkling waves. Cupcake yips, does her business, then returns to me. I dip down to my knees, rubbing her head and kissing her face.
“Your daddy is something special, huh?”
Cupcake pants excitedly, like she’s in total agreement. I rub beneath her chin, having to fight a laugh when her leg starts to kick like I’ve gotten a particularly good spot.
“What if we have a secret between us, old girl?”
She eyes me carefully, as if she understands every one of my words.
“What if I keep you both forever? How does that sound? What if I just never leave?”
Cupcake presses her warm nose to my cheek, and I take that as a resounding yes. I hug her tight, centering myself in the moment that feels far too small, yet so very large at thesame time. I look up at the moon one more time, sending a different sort of wish up to the sky.Let me keep him, I wish as fervently as I’ve wished for love my entire life. Let me keep him, let me be enough, let us find our way to each other over and over again, until the idea of leaving doesn’t stand a chance.Make this runner into a chaser, I beg the moon, as if she has the same powers the sun has always seemed to have.
When I head back inside, Charlie is standing in the kitchen, eyes downcast and a glass of water in his hand.
“I want to fuck you tonight,” I say evenly, hoping my voice doesn’t wobble.
Charlie lifts his confused gaze to mine. “I figured.”
“And we’ve both been tested, so no condom.”
“Okay.”
“Do you need some time?” I ask. I know the protocol better than most after years of being a mostly exclusive bottom. Anthony hated mess, so I became a professional at ensuring no mess would ever be made. In more ways than one.
Charlie blushes furiously and nods, and I can’t take that at all. I walk up to him in the kitchen, caging him in against the counter. His lips are soft and supple as I take his mouth in a lush kiss. The groan he lets out zings right up my spine, and his fingers curling into the waistband of my pants, tugging me close, threaten to undo me before we’ve even begun.
He brushes against the skin at the small of my back, hesitant and hot. I reach up and curl my hand across his jaw, opening his mouth enough to lick into him, tasting all of him that he’s willing to give. This cavern inside of me where all the love I’ve been holding back for years threatens to crack wide open and fill up with Charlie. It’s dangerous and scary, to feel on the precipice of something life-changing that could undome forever. No one has ever felt so large, so able to break me if given the power. Not even Anthony, who I always kept at a careful distance, because every barbed word felt like a gunshot to my already forever broken heart. But every word from Charlie puts me back together, when I never knew I needed healing. How can someone be so perfect for me, but so frightening at the same time?
Charlie lets out a needy moan against my mouth, so I pull away, just far enough to look at him. His pupils are blown wide, a flush high up on his cheeks, and his hair is messy from my fingers gripping it at the end of our kiss. There’s a question in his eyes that I’m not ready to answer, so I just kiss him again. But this time I tug him away from the counter and back him up toward the bedroom, kissing him all the while.
I kick the bedroom door closed behind us, ignoring Cupcake’s soft whine because she’ll be fine for a few hours. Charlie chuckles against my mouth but moans soon after when I shove my hand into his underwear. I stroke him once, twice, then yank my hand back out. I kiss him softly once more, fighting back all those scary emotions when he keeps his eyes closed, a soft smile on his face. Tossing myself on the bed, I lean up on my elbows and grin at him when he looks my way.
“Go get ready, Charlie.”
Charlie swallows loudly but does as I say, which gives me a rush that I never once expected. Maybe my entire life I’ve been a top and never knew it. Whatever this dynamic is with Charlie works, in more ways than in the bedroom. I want to hold on to him forever and never let go, while simultaneously running far away so he can’t hurt me. The idea of Charlie causing me pain is strange and foreign, but the idea of it alone could send me into a spiral.
The lantern festival always has me a little emotional, but something about this one was different. All I can narrow it down to is Charlie. His perfect smile, his gentle company, the pride shining in his gaze as I played on the stage with Nolan. No one haseverlooked at me like that before besides my parents. I’ve got to hold on to it. I think.
I wiggle out of my shoes and clothes, and toss them to the floor, moving my hand slowly over my cock as I wait for Charlie to return. It doesn’t take him long though. He returns to the bedroom with a confident swagger to his hips, all in his naked glory. I take him in from head to toe, holding back a moan when he climbs onto the bed to lie on top of me. I love his large body and how willingly he bends for me. I curl my palm around his neck, squeezing hard before tugging him down the rest of the way to give him a starry-eyed sort of kiss. Charlie goes pliant and needy against me, his weight pushing me farther down into the bed. I’d had plans to fuck him into the bed, but suddenly I kind of want him to ride me so I can watch every single emotion splash across his beautiful face.
