He kisses me then, soft and slow, and I gasp into his mouth when he makes a particularly hard thrust. I don’t think we’ll be switching it up all that often, but for now, it feels important to have this with Nolan. Have this closeness that promises something I’m not sure words from me will ever say. Nolan curls an arm behind my neck and reaches the other hand between us to take my cock in hand. I try to tip my head back at the perfect feeling but Nolan lifts his arm so that I have to hold his gaze.
Our eyes stay locked as he fucks into me over and over, his hand working magic on my cock, until pleasure blossoms in my stomach, my toes curl, and my release shoots out of me as I gasp with pleasure. Nolan groans deep and low, and I feel him come inside me, warmth spilling out of me. Fuck. He falls on top of me and lazily lifts his head to kiss me with every ounce of love he can muster.
“Benji,” Nolan murmurs reverently against my lips. “I’m gonna play you a song right now, and don’t be fucking weird about it.”
“While you’re still inside me?” I ask, just a little concerned.
Nolan chuckles against my neck, planting a sweet, warm kiss to where my pulse pounds. “No, I’m gonna stay here for a minute. Wanna remember this forever.”
I press my face into his curls, inhaling the scent of him. He feels different in my arms. The weight he’s been carrying for a year doesn’t seem to be there anymore, but it’s been replaced with something else. Maybe healing is just as heavy as pain. But if I can help him work through it and come out the other side, then maybe we can have a chance to grab the life I can so easily envision for us. A nice house on a few acres where we can watch the sunset as Nolan plays a new song for me. More laughter lineswill fill his face because I’ll make him laugh every chance I get, every moment, every single second of our life together.
Nolan pulls out of me slowly, and I fight a wince, but he sees it, because he knows, just like I always know. I lie still and let him care for me, just like he always lets me care for him. There’s a catharsis in allowing him to care for me and repeat the motions that I always so tenderly go through for him. His eyes are warm and loving as he traces a towel over my skin, his fingers following the path. Once I’m clean to his satisfaction, he leans down to kiss me again, his fingers cupped behind my ear in a way that makes goose bumps break out over my skin.
“Thank you, Benji,” Nolan whispers against my mouth. The thing is, I don’t think he’s thanking me for the fuck, I think he’s thanking me for more than I can ever really know.
“It’s okay, Nolan.”
Nolan nods once, then rolls to a stand. He holds his hand out for me to take, and he pulls me up, then tenderly dresses me in a clean pair of discarded gym shorts from the floor. He hustles me into the living room and firmly presses me down to sit on the couch. I watch as he moves around the room, a pair of sweatpants slung low on his slim hips. That damn Grim Reaper stares back at me, but the meaning of it feels a little different now. Maybe instead of the Grim Reaper reaching for Nolan, he’s pushing everyone away because he knows it’s not Nolan’s time. It’s my time now, my time with Nolan.
A few seconds later, Nolan’s sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of me, guitar in his lap, and eyes steadfastly caught on the neck of the guitar as he plays a few chords. He still has one of the most beautiful voices I’ve ever heard in my life. Angels weep when he opens his mouth. Nolan might not be able to look at me, might not be able to say the words, but he’s saying them in song. My heart catches in my chest as he gets to the end, the chordsslow and steady as his gorgeous voice just slightly trembles. It’s a love song forme.
Nolan trails off slowly, throat bobbing as he swallows. His fingers slowly unfurl from the neck of the guitar as he lifts his gaze to mine, his eyes full of so much longing that my own heart echoes it back.
I fall to my knees from the couch and crawl toward him. His gaze is so fucking dark, cheeks slightly flushed with embarrassment, or maybe want, but I have to let him know it’s okay. I carefully take the guitar from his grip because I know he loves it more than he’ll ever love me. Once the guitar is safely nestled against the sofa, I place my hand on his crossed legs and lean into his face.
“Thank you, Nolan,” I tell him firmly, squeezing his thighs hard. “I love you. I’m not going anywhere, okay? I won’t leave you. Not unless you want me to leave.”
Nolan closes his eyes tight, and a tear slips out. “I don’t think I’ll ever want you to leave. You’re”—he presses his hand to his chest with a grimace—“in here now… you’re in here, and I want to keep you forever.”
“You can keep me. I’m yours.”
He opens his eyes back up to stare at me with those deep black eyes. “I don’t want to hurt you, Benji.”
“We’ll hurt one another. But I want to keep you, want you to keep me, and I want to make you laugh and hold you on bad days. Okay?”
Nolan sighs, bone-weary and exhausted, and he slumps against me as I wrap my arms around him.
“Okay, Benji. We can keep each other.”
16
NOLAN
FEBRUARY 2028
“So when you’re out on the stage, you disassociate?” Maggie, my therapist, asks as if we have not gone over this a million fucking times already.
“Yes,” I say through gritted teeth.
She smiles benignly at me. “Nolan, when else do you disassociate?”
I clench and unclench my hands to contain the rage. “Only on stage.”
“Never any time else?”
I stare at her for a few moments before flushing and looking away. “Sometimes during sex, that’s why… That’s why I liked the pain element. Because it would stop me from doing that so much and keep me in the moment. And then, of course when someone gives me negative feedback. There’s this loop in my head sometimes that if someone doesn’t like something I’ve created, or if they have a suggestion, then it feels like they’re telling me I’m a useless piece of shit and I should kill myself.”
“And the loop in your head, you disassociate during it?”
