Nolan tugs on one of my sweatshirts, nodding when his head pops through. “Yes, now. I want to do some things. Without you.”
“Okay, that’s fine. You can do anything without me. That’s cool. That’s chill.”
Nolan walks back over to where I sit on the couch and pats my head like I’m a scorned puppy. “Benji, I’ll be fine without you for a few hours. Go run around or go bother one of the boys.”
“Yeah, sure.”
He obviously doesn’t believe me because he dips down to kiss me soft and slow, lips gliding gently over mine in an affirmation that words can never give.
“Better?” Nolan asks against my mouth.
I nod slowly. “Yes. You’ll call me if you need me. Who’s driving you?”
Nolan slips his hand into my pocket and tugs out the car keys. The wink he gives me makes my heart skip in my chest, my gut tightening with want. I watch him go, feeling less worried and more anxious that we’ll be apart. We haven’t really done that… not since the balcony. But this is good for us. Plus, he’ll be with Harper; what can they possibly get up to?
It’s freezing outside, so I change into workout clothes and decide to go for a run. When Nolan gets back, he won’t want to deal with me and my boundless energy. I can’t help but smile when I think of him calling me his golden retriever, though. Guess that’s what I am.
Running through the area around Colby’s house always kind of reminds me of home back in Georgia. I get lost for a little while on the oak tree–lined concrete roads. Despite the cold air, the sun shines bright as ever, slashing through the trees. Not a cloud in sight. Clay Springs really is something special. Almost like the place is its own little bubble, an oasis away from real life. It sure has been that for Nolan and me.
For some stupid reason, my brain leads me to Jackson and Harper’s house, even though I know Harper isn’t there. I have to assume Jackson is, if only by the sight of his precious G-Wagon parked out front.
Jackson swings the door wide open after one knock. He stares at me hard, one eyebrow raised, and I feel the usual urge to squirm. After a moment he steps aside to let me walk through. Harper’s house is beautiful, with a lot of natural light flowing from the back of the house and into the front. It makes sense for Jackson, this house.
“Harper took Nolan somewhere,” I say as Jackson hands me a cold bottle of water.
Jackson leans against the counter, and crosses his broad arms over his chest. “Yes, downtown. Nolan needed to get out.”
“Away from me,” I point out.
“You’re smothering him, but he likes it.” Jackson laughs and rubs at his slightly stubbled cheek. “I’ve got one just like him. It’s a careful tightrope you have to balance.”
I take a careful gulp of the water as I think over what I want to say next, what I need to say next. What Jackson deserves to hear.
“I don’t know how I’ll be able to thank all of you… for everything.” I swallow hard as the urge to cry once again wells up inside me. “When he… well… it was a lot. And the first place I wanted to come was here.”
“It took you five weeks to say that to me? Jesus, Benji. We’re family at this point.”
I wince at his words, but he’s right. I’ve spent so long keeping them all at a careful distance. Not wanting to let them in so they could hurt me. No clue why; I’ve just always kept people at arm's length.
“I don’t want to argue.”
“I’m not trying to argue with you. I love you.”
For some reason, the words hit me like a blow to the chest, right between my ribs. I rub at the warm skin over my heart, wondering if I’m going to have a heart attack. The sound of Jackson moving closer makes me lift my head, only to findhim looking at me in a way he never has before. Not pity, but something much worse. Worry.
“Are you okay? Really? What can I do for you?”
I wipe my suddenly hot nose against my sweatshirt, curling my fingers into the ends as the urge to cry overwhelms me.
“It’s so fucking hard, Jackson. I have to stay strong all the time for him. I can’t… can’t let him see I’m afraid or worried. Not right now. Not like this. I love my mom so much, and I don’t hate her for being who she is, but I never imagined falling in love with someone who has her same fucking struggles because sometimes I feel so alone even when I’m in the same room as him. And it’s getting better every day with therapy and the medicine… but sometimes I look at him and worry the balcony event isn’t the last time. If he killed himself, a part of me would die too. I’d die, too. I would. I love him so fucking much.” Tears are falling down my face now, and I claw at my chest as Jackson stares at me in profound loss of words. “I love him so fucking much, and if something happens to him, I will fucking die.”
Jackson grabs me by the arms and tugs me against his body, wrapping me in his strong arms so tightly that I can’t help but just let go. All the tears I’ve been holding in for months finally fall. Time crawls by as he holds me while I weep, his hand wound in my hair as he murmurs words I can’t even understand. Finally, my breathing calms and the tears slow, but I don’t feel stupid like I normally would. I just feel held and safe by one of my very best friends, a brother.
“Oh, Benji,” Jackson whispers into my hair. “You are so loved by all of us. When you were gone, we thought about you every day; we worried for you. Now that you’re here, let us help you, not just Nolan. It’s okay to need your friends, okay?” Jackson pulls away to dip down and look into my eyes. “It’s okay to let us see you like this.”
“I know… I was just so scared on the tour that if I told you guys, if you knew… especially Trevor because he knew Nolan… you’d make me leave him.”
Jackson’s jaw firms up, and he glances away. “Yes, I would’ve tried to get you to come back here. With or without him, I can’t say.”
