“It’ll be fine,” Benji reassures me.
I cut a look over at him. “I just tried to kill myself. They might not agree.”
Benji sighs softly and hops out of the car, completely ignoring my comment. He opens my door with that sweet, tender smile that has stopped infuriating me, and started making my heart do this annoying little leap in my chest instead. Fuck me. Benji tugs me out of the car by my hands, then cups my cheeks in his palms, his thumbs sweeping over the bags under my eyes.
“I’ll wait right here for you.”
I swallow thickly and nod against his grip. “I wish you could go with me,” I admit softly.
Benji’s eyes turn warm and gooey. “Ah, but you need to keepsomesecrets from me, right? I can’t know everything.”
I tiredly lean my forehead against his. He smells like he always does, like Benji, like us, like every sweet thing in the world mixed together. The comforting scent radiates through me until all my muscles relax. I wish I could carry that fragrance with me everywhere I go.
As if reading my mind, Benji pulls away and rips his shirt off, then carefully lifts off mine. With a tender, saccharine smile, he pulls his raggedy old T-shirt over my head.
“Now it’s like I’m with you, right?”
Holy fuck, I think I love him. I open my mouth to say something, anything, but nothing comes out. Instead I look back over at the building, trying to hype myself up to go in. Best to go and not look back. I push away from Benji and the truck, andmake my way toward the front of the building. The farther I get, the more my heart pounds, and I know it’s wrong.
I turn back to see Benji leaning against the truck, my shirt clutched in his fingers since it’s too small for him. He smiles, big and bright, and I can’t help myself. I run back to him, closing the distance between us so quickly that I’m out of breath by the time I reach him.
He wordlessly tugs me close and kisses me, because words will never be enough between us. We speak in fleeting, tender touches and hard kisses and fingers dancing down curved spines as we make love. I pull away from him, gasping, my fingers tangled in his hair. Pressing my cheek to his, I breathe him in one more time, then turn around and walk head-on to face my future.
13
BENJI
JANUARY 2028
Idon’t know what the hell to do with myself while Nolan’s in his appointment. I wish I could’ve gone with him, held his hand as he faces the unknown with a new doctor. All I can do is wait, I guess. Popping the tailgate on Colby’s old truck, I sit and swing my legs. I spend a little while just watching people, but then I realize I’m shirtless and probably look creepy. Oops. Nolan’s shirt is a size too small but I tug it on anyway.
A few birds chirp and swoop overhead without a single care in the world. Makes me think of Nolan wishing he could be a bird. My stomach tightens and roils at the idea of him jumping off that balcony. I was so close to losing him. I just want to help him get help. Selfishly, I really want to keep him. I want to see him blooming and carefree. I want to see Nolan when he’s his most true self, unshackled by the terror his brain plays on him. I love him no matter what, and I think that’s the scariest thing for me.
Somewhere along the way I fell in love withNolan, with his heart, and with the slightly off-beat way he looks at the world. When he’d kissed me just before marching into the doctor’s office, I thought I saw the glimmer of my own feelings reflectedin his eyes. But now isn’t the time to go blurting out feelings as big and scary as love. He just needs my support, he needs to know that I’m not leaving no matter how fucking scary things get. And things can’t get much scarier than him almost jumping off a hotel balcony, right?
My phone buzzes in my pocket. The relief I feel at seeing Eli’s name is second to none. I hadn’t realized how much I missed them while being on tour with Nolan. Even just talking to them aboutnothingis enough to settle my nerves.
Eli: How’s it going today?
Me: He’s been meeting with the psychologist for a while now
Eli: Colby said she’s really good.
Eli: She helped Colby’s cousin a while ago
Me: How many cousins does Colby have
Eli: A lot
Eli: I asked for a number once, and Colby got this weird, confused, constipated look on his face while he tried to count
Trevor: Beau did the same thing. omg
Eli: There are too many of them
Eli: We’re outnumbered
Jackson: I somehow found one of the few only children…
