The biggest rockstar in the world has stage fright. “Then what’d you do?”
Nolan turns his head to aim an annoyed look at me. “I taught myself to not vomit after being on stage. What else is there to do?”
“What do you mean you taught yourself?”
Nolan huffs and turns back around. His hand splashes in the water a few times, sending ripples through the warm, soapy water. Back to chest, I can almost imagine we’re one person like this, like when we get out of the tub, we’ll still be stuck together, just one solitary human. I wonder if it’s possible to share my breath with him, when he so desperately needs the air.
“I taught myself to not feel nausea. What else is there to do?”
“How did you do that?”
Nolan lets out a deep groan. “Benji, seriously, it’s not that fucking deep. I go on stage, zone out, then come back off stage and you fuck me. That’s it. What other tidbits about NolanHastings do you want, hmm? Want to know how many men I’ve fucked? Want to know about how my druggie parents dropped me off at my great-grandma’s house when I was a kid because the drugs meant more to them than I did? Want to know about the group home I was in after my grandma died and how the other boys relentlessly bullied me, going as far as to kick me in my sleep? I can cry if you want, if that’ll get you going.”
I squeeze his throat until he turns his head enough to gaze at me. “Stop.”
“Don’t ask for something if you don’t really want it, Benji.”
“I want to knowyou. Not whatever factoids you think the press would eat up. Not the bits of information in the message boards that fans froth at the mouth over.”
Nolan turns his head to press his forehead against my cheek, his breaths stilted, rib cage moving rapidly under my palm. “You’re going to make this so hard, Benji.”
“Make what hard?”
Nolan swallows loudly. “I hate being me. Sometimes I don’t want to exist anymore.”
Fuck. What the hell do I say to that? I squeeze Nolan tighter against me, desperately fighting back the urge to cry. My throat feels tight and my heart cracks in half as I slowly lift my hand to curl my fingers into his damp hair.
“Nolan,” I whisper, a secret between us.
Nolah shakes his head hard, his hair tickling my chin. “Don’t, Benji. Pretend I never said it. Forget everything about this, just remember me wanting to be fucked, wanting to be used. Remember that, okay?”
“Nolan,” I say again, throat thick with unshed tears.
“Forget it, Benji.”
And then Nolan turns around in the tub, causing water to slosh over the edges onto the marble tile of the bathroom. His soapy palms grip my cheeks and his eyes bore into mine.
“Remember me that way when this is over. Remember me wanting you so badly it hurt me, okay?”
I don’t like hearing him say the word over. I hate how flat his eyes look, all the emotion gone. I despise the way his hands tremble slightly against my cheeks. I’ve got to speak in the way Nolan understands though, because words will never be enough to get through to him. Curling my hand against the nape of his neck, I tug him down until our lips are pressed painfully together, teeth gnashing as Nolan sneers against my mouth.
“I can’t need you,” Nolan growls into my mouth.
The words taste raw and painful, dipped in the very need that I know Nolan doesn’t want to feel. I tangle my fingers in his hair and tug his head back to bite his throat hard enough to steal a gasp from him. The air from my lungs won’t be enough, I think I need to give him my heart.
“I won’t leave until you tell me to leave, Nolan. If you want me at the end of the contract, I’ll still be here.”
Nolan melts against me as his body loses every ounce of fight. One month in and I’ve lost the ability to steer this ship. We’re so far off course that I know I’m beyond fucked.
“You know what I’ve always wanted?” Nolan whispers, the words caught between us like sneakers on a telephone wire.
“What?”
Nolan presses his cheek against mine, his breaths panting and hard in my ear. “I want to say no and I want you to fuck me anyway. I want to fight and scream and claw at you, but you don’t stop until you’re fucking me into the ground, getting off on me saying no. That’s what I’ve always wanted.”
“Have you done that with anyone else?” I ask, almost regretting the words the moment they’re out.
Nolan chuckles darkly. “No, stud.”
