“Do you two know?” Delilah asks them. “About Jagger leaving the band?”
“Valerie just told me,” Tae says in response.
With disappointment radiating from every pore of Nash’s body, I feel even shittier. He shakes his head. “You should have spoken to us, Jagger.”
“I thought you’d all be happy about it, especially you.” I point at Nash. “You hate Val and the rest of the band. I thought this is what you wanted!”
“We’re happy if you’re happy.” Tae holds his hands up, but there’s an underlying hurt to his voice. Tae is like an overexcitable puppy most of the time, so seeing him upset killsme. “But I thought you’d tell us before you announced it to the rest of the world.”
“I was going to?—”
“This is your problem, Jagger.” Delilah jabs me in the chest with a pointed finger. “You make decisions on your own that affect everyone. We’re supposed to be a team. A pack. A family! Families talk to each other. You keep doing things because you think you’re protecting me—protecting us—but it only pushes us further apart.”
Her words slice at my heart. “All I want is to keep you safe,” I retort. “You don’t know what my world is like, Delilah. It’s toxic. It almost broke me!”
“You have to stop assuming you know what I can and can’t handle before you make life-changing decisions.” Her voice has a slight tremble. “Do you think that I’m that inept and weak after everything we’ve been through? You, more than anyone, should know what I’m capable of handling.”
“Delilah!” When she turns away, I grab her wrist to pull her back. Nash lets out a warning growl, the low vibration sprinting through me before I let her slip through my fingers. “I really thought I was doing the right thing.”
Delilah shakes her head. “Don’t you remember what happened the last time you made a choice on your own?”
“I won’t lose you again.” My voice is barely audible. “I can’t.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Jagger.” She closes her eyes, her nostrils flaring as she draws in a long inhale. “But I need you to let me be part of your world instead of trying to shield me from it. I need you to be real.”
“Real?” I laugh bitterly, shame racing to the surface. “You don’t want to see the real me, Delilah.”
“I’ve seen the real you—the guy who sang me lullabies, the guy at the bakery who wrote me a poem, the guy who wasn’t so afraid of losing me that he couldn’t be his true self. That’sthe alpha I want to bond with. Not the person who doesn’t communicate or someone who sees it as his job to protect me.” Her lower lip trembles. “I just want you to see me as an equal.”
“You really think…” I blink hard. “That I don’t see you as an equal?”
I can’t believe this. That’s why her feelings are so hurt? Not because I’ve left the band, but because she thinks I don’t respect or trust her opinion? She couldn’t be any more wrong.
“Your actions have made that obvious.” She winces. “You didn’t even talk to me or your pack before putting out a statement.”
“Oh, Del…” I shake my head, smiling sadly. “You’re never going to be my equal.” I see Nash’s mouth morph into a snarl and his scent turns smokier, presumably feeling the full weight of Delilah’s pain through their new connection.
“You want me to be real, so I’ll be real.” I clasp my hands behind my neck and tilt my face toward the sun, sucking in a deep breath. “You’re always going to be way better than me. Too good for me.” I stroke her soft cheek. She doesn’t move, her sad eyes fixed on me. “When I met you, I was broken. You woke up a part of me that I didn’t realize existed. The part of me that made mefeelagain after years of being numb, and then I found my pack…” I look over her shoulder at Tae and Nash. “I never thought I’d find a place to call home, but I found a family who didn’t treat me any differently because of who I was.” I drop my hand from her cheek and take her hand in mine. “So no, I’ll never see you as an equal, rainbow. To me, you’re far more than that. I’ll never be worthy of you. I’m a mess. A total fuck-up. A man who will never be good enough for you.”
“Well, you only fuck up sometimes,” I hear Tae comment in the background.
“My decision to leavePack Firewasn’t only to protect you from that life. Sure, it was part of it, but having you back in mylife gave me the courage to do what I’ve wanted to do for years,” I admit. “I’ve felt trapped in the band, like a cog in a machine with no way out.” I let the words I’ve kept locked inside for so long finally spill out. Words I’ve always been too afraid to voice until now. “I understand why you’re all mad that I didn’t speak to you about it. I should have. But if I’m being really honest, I was afraid to say anything in case one of you said something that could’ve talked me out of it. Aside from returning to SVU to find you, this is the first choice I’ve made that I’ve been truly certain of.” I squeeze her hand. “I choose you. I choose us, and… I chose myself.”
The wrinkles in her forehead smooth out. “Oh, Jagger…”
“You wanted real, and this is me.” I sniffle, wiping my eyes with my sleeve. “I’m a fucking mess.” I gesture down at myself. “I don’t know who I am. Not really. How can I, after spending my life being someone else’s puppet? There are only a few things that I know for sure. Iknowthat I don’t want to be producing art that kills my soul every time I get onstage with assholes like Brad and Drew.”
“Hear, hear!” Tae punches the air.
“Iknowthat I can’t keep pushing the people I love away…”
“About time,” Nash mutters.
“And Iknowthat my love for you has been the only true constant that I’ve ever known, rainbow.” I pull her in closer. “Leaving you behind and experiencing that heartbreak taught me how to feel again. That emotion—that love and pain—became my anchor, tethering me to a world built on lies. And then I got my miracle… You gave me another chance. Getting a second chance with you—and seeing you fall for my pack—is all I’ve ever wanted. Nothing is more important to me than you and our family. I know you don’t need my protection, but I’ll never stop wanting to protect and fight for what we have because it’s all I care about. And it’s all I have to offer.”
“You’ve got a lot to offer, Jagger.” Delilah’s eyes glisten. “But you still should have told us what you were planning to do.” The tension in my muscles dissipates. Although her words are stern, her voice doesn’t hold the same anger that it did moments before.
“I know. I guess I got so excited about starting our lives together that I acted without thinking.” I hang my head. “Impulsive actions haven’t gotten me far up until this point, so I don’t know why I expected it to be any different this time. And I’m sorry for ruining today.” I turn to Nash. “If you want me to sleep somewhere else tonight, I’ll understand.”
