“Nah, that aint happening.” I insisted. “Plus, I keep telling you that it’s fuck everybody else. They don’t know what I want or what’s best for me. They just hate that their NBA dreams for me are gonna be deferred. It aint about me. It’s about what they thought that they could gain from.”
“Okay, cool. Fuck them. What about your higher education?”
“Really?” I gave her a side eye. “I might be intelligent, but you and me both know that I’m only graduating because of you. That might as well beyourdiploma. Cause you been doing all the homework. The only reason those teachers still pass me with my attendance record is because they wanted me to play ball. Shit, I wasn’t even going to practice, and coach kept going against his own words, letting me play, when he knew that I should’ve been kicked off the team. I’m just naturally good at everything I do. Including basketball. But Ion eat, shit, and breathe that like I should. That aint my calling.”
She narrowed her eyes. “So, what is your calling, Jahrein?”
I didn’t even have to think about it. “To be a daddy for my son, and a man for you.”
“Boy, what?” She broke into a fit of giggles.
“I aint laughing.” I didn’t crack a smile.
“Okay, I’m sorry,” she apologized. “I just sometimes struggle with accepting the things that you say. You’re eighteen. How the hell are you so sure about this? I mean, we have Junior, and I love you…but I don’t know if this is forever.”
My heart skipped a beat. “So, you sometimes see yourself with somebody else?”
She bit her lip. “That’s not what I said.”
“I know. But answer the question.”
She sighed. “Okay. Most of the time…all I think about is you. All I want is you. But…when I hear about you with another girl, or they play on the phone…I think about everything that I’mnotexperiencing. I only know you. Nobody else has ever been inside of me. That’s not true for you, and it’s like you have the best of both worlds. You play family man in this house, but fuck who you want in the streets. That’s not fair to me. So, sometimes…I do think about what it would be like to be with somebody else. Somebody who wants me, andonlyme.”
I gulped, as fear so powerful struck me in my chest that it felt like I was maybe having a heart attack. “What chu mean? I do want you, and only you.”
She rolled her eyes. “No, you don’t, Jahrein.”
“Yes, I do,” I persisted.
“You say that with a straight face, like I didn’t look out the window and see you outside talking to some hoe.”
“Outside?” I kissed my teeth. “Come on, Raven, you too smart not to think sometimes. I pulled up, and somebody walked over and spoke. I’m fully aware that you wait up for me. I knew that you could easily look out the window, or even come outside. Which means that wasn’t shit going on.”
“Whatever,” she exhaled. “You just don’t get it. These girls have been a problem since the beginning, and I’m no dummy. What we do here aint normal. I’m supposed to be just warming up to boys, and you’re supposed to be playing the field. We play house, Jahrein. That’s it. And one day, you might wake up and decide that this isall too much, and you just wanna be a young boy, who’s free to run around, doing as he pleases.”
“Nawl.” I shook my head. “Hell, nawl. That must be how you wake up feeling sometimes. Like you just wanna walk away from here, and run free, doing whatever.”
“Yeah.” She admitted. “Sometimes I do.”
I hooded my eyes. “And that’s why you want me to go off to college, huh? To finally see what else is out there.”
“No. I just think that we don’t have to be hyper focused on our relationship. There’s other things in this world outside of being somebody’s boyfriend, and I don’t want you or nobody else blaming me for holding you back.”
My nostrils flared. “See, that’s why me and you be bumping heads, and shit. You delusional. Don’t wanna live in reality.”
She frowned. “How am I delusional, Jahrein?”
“Cause. Somewhere in the back of your head, you think that us not being together will give you the space to do whatever you want. Like you’ll be able to go to all the parties, and malls until your heart is content. But what you aint considering is that we aint got a picture perfect homelife. Mama and daddy aint finna save the day. Whether we together or not, you still gotta be Junior’s mama. And if I was away at school, do you realize what would happen to you? Those days when my granny can’t watch the baby, I wouldn’t be here to stay in, so you can go to school. Red be going to work and only keeps him when she wants to be bothered. Ya mama damn sho’ don’t help. So, you’d be a statistic, as you like to say. A drop-out. Even if you get him in daycare, that would just cover whenever you’reat school. It’s easy to forget that I come home for a few hours during the day to let you do homework. I be having Junior. Not my granny, not your daddy, not my mama. This only works, because I do my part. I know that I played a major role in putting us in this position, and I take full responsibility. And considering your age, and lack of support, I know that you need me. In some ways that even you struggle to accept. So, me going off to college would mean that I’m putting myself first, and putting you and my baby on the backburner. Not to mention that you’re glamorizing what it’s like to date as a teen mom. No boy around your age got the resources to help you. So, the only option would be older niggas. And them muthafuckas wouldn’t have your best interest at heart. You’re young, and beautiful, so they’d take care of you, without a doubt. But it wouldn’t be because it’s the right thing to do. They’d do it to have control, and you’d find yourself dating for stability and would still not have the freedom to do as you please. The difference is that you’d have my baby around a nigga that’s not his daddy. So, they aint gotta put him first, and make sacrifices. That’ll be on you, and you alone.
On my end, I know that I got you in a vulnerable position. So, I’m facing all the challenges of being a teen parent with you. Cause I know that you don’t deserve to have the shorter end of the stick, just because I got you pregnant. We just working with the cards we have, and I realized a few months ago that we just don’t have the support system for me to leave you and my baby here. So, there’s no college for me, and I made peace with that.”
“Okay, Jahrein,” she huffed. “And I guess that we’re just gonna ignore the fact that you could’ve still gone to TSU or Prairie View. Hell, even U of H.”
“Nah. You just stuck on the idea of college, because it’s something that you’d do. And when it’s your time, I’ll be right there, cheering you on. Paying tuition if I have to. But deep down, you know that school aint my thang. That would be me doing what other muthafuckas want me to do. It would never work in the long run.”
“So, what happens when you graduate in June?”
“I walk across the stage and accept our diploma.”
