I’d wanted to feel whole, but just didn’t know how to go about obtaining the feeling. I needed to know myself and in order to do that I had to understand every aspect of me. In my situation I was lacking the understanding that I needed for life. Maybe I was in search of something that may not even exist. A perfect man. Jahrein was far from perfect, and I don’t know if I could stomach that if he was. That would add pressure to my life, trying to live up to the hype. The one thing that I knew about him is that he loved me unconditionally. I was done looking and wondering about the next man. There was nothing for me out here in these streets.
Finally, I have discovered myself. I’m a woman first but I was also much more. There might not be a female out here that truly had my back, but that was cool. Ididn’t need any friends because I had something much, much better. I had my family. I had five and a half kids and a bond so strong with my husband. Through thick and thin he was guaranteed to ride with me ‘til the end. Indeed, we were like sister and brother and I finally know that with him I have a friend. Despite Jahrein’s jealous ways, despite his indiscretions, despite his every flaw; with him is where I belong. That nigga truly holds me down.
Five months later.
Jahrein speaks…
Sitting up in bed, my chest heaved up and down, as I tried to catch my breath. Frantically, I looked around, until my eyes were able to adjust to the darkness and see Raven and Jhyrah huddled up under the covers, right beside me. Only then did my heart rate somewhat settle.
“Damn,” I grumbled, while shaking my head.
After all these months, Tyra was still haunting my dreams. I couldn’t even pretend that I wasn’t deeply disturbed, and had recently swallowed my pride, before taking Raven’s advice. We were going to therapy, hoping to get back to some form of normalcy.
It really fucked me up to see what Tyra had done to my baby, Jhyrah, mentally. She was constantly having nightmares, so she’d been sleeping with us. The therapist said that she had PTSD. All of us. And we were trying to work through the shit.
Personally, I was going through too many emotions, ranging from anger to regret. I was mad that Tyra had thrown everything away. Pissed that she’d made me kill her. Hurt that she’d threatened my kids’ lives. Enraged that she’d left JJ motherless. And I regretted ever sticking my dick in her.
I couldn’t stop thinking about how everything was my fault, and how things could’ve ended worser. Had I just come home a few minutes later, then Jhyrah could’ve died, and that was what had me waking up in cold sweats.
Then to think…during some of the time when Raven had left us, I’d desperately had Tyra keep an eye on thekids for a few hours, here and there. It wasn’t because I was fucking her or something. I just needed to handle business, and I left them with her, instead of driving across the city to leave them with family. At the time, I didn’t think that she’d ever hurt my kids, and I felt like my oldest kids were articulate enough to speak up, if she mishandled them.
In hindsight, I now knew that I’d been leaving them in the hands of pure evilness. That was the only way to describe what had to be in her heart for her to put a fucking knife to my baby girl’s throat. And now, every time I closed my eyes, I was reliving that night.
As a man I had failed my family. On multiple levels, and the shit was frustrating to even think about. For years, I’d fucked around, ran through bitches. And frankly, the shit had lost its mystique a while ago. I felt like a fool, as I’d nearly lost everything over something that meant nothing to me.
If it had ever been presented to me…that I’d have to choose between my family or fucking these hoes, then the choice would’ve been simple. I’d always choose my family. The problem was that I’d foolishly believed that I could have it all. That’s what the OGs would tell me.
Take care of your household first, then play in the streets.That’s all the niggas in the game would stress. Never did they get deep and talk about the ways that a man is supposed to take care of his household. So, I naturally assumed that they were talking about providing financially. And I had to learn the hard way that having money was just the tip of the iceberg. Because there was so much more to being a man for your family.
I was realizing now that me and Raven were facing a uphill battle from the start. Because I didn’t know shit about being a good boyfriend. All I knew was that I wanted her, and with the wrong muthafuckas in my ear, I went about everything the wrong way.
Chapter 23
Back to 1999
“Damn.” My nigga TP beat this chest. “The fuck you get this weed from?”
I smirked, while gripping the steering wheel of my Cutlass. I was cruising down the feeder of I-610, taking my time. “It’s potent, huh?”
“Hell, yeah.” He coughed, while smoke escaped his mouth.
“You can buy it by the gram.”
He cut his eyes at me. “So, that means that you aint gon tell me where you got it from?”
“Hell, nawl. Loose lips sink ships, nigga.”
He shook his head. “That’s cold, lil’ nigga…but I taught you well.”
I nodded, appreciating the compliment.
TP was my nigga. He’d taken my older brother, Jaylen, under his wing, years back, and had always looked out for me. And now, he was fresh out of prison, trying to get back on his feet. Wanting to get him out of the house to unwind, I’d scooped him up, and we’d been riding through the city.
“Say, I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that you got a son, man.”
“Yeah?”
“Hell, yeah. I always thought that your pretty ass was gonna go off to college, fuck all the hoes, then get with some bad bitch, after you’re in the NBA or some shit. Not have a lil’ one while you still in high school.”
