I can’t look at her. If I do, all I’ll see is Mom living those early days after Dad died. No matter how many times I remind myself Hadley is okay, my mind can’t let go of how it could have turned out so different. How it still could.
“Hadley got hurt,” I finally utter.
“Oh no. Is he going to be okay?”
I turn to find her worried gaze. Is Mom reliving the worst day of her life, thinking about all the ways rodeo can go wrong?
“I think so.”
“Ah, that’s good. I’m glad he’ll be alright. But why are you so upset?”
A fresh torrent of tears wells up. Before they have a chance to fall, I swipe them away and suck back a breath. “I don’t want history to repeat itself, Mom. I’m not as strong as you. I wouldn’t survive.”
She shuffles over on the seat and takes my face in her hands. “Now you listen to me.” I give her a small nod and she tilts her head. “Losing your father was hell. But in comparison to what the dark gave me, the light gave me much, much more. For one, it—he—gave me you. Years of love and the life I’d wanted. Yes, I asked him to give it up when you were born. It wasn’t a demand, it was a request. I knew the man I loved and the chances we took every time he strapped onto a bull.”
“But you lost him. You lost that life because of rodeo.”
“I would have lost him anyway if he hadn’t been able to do the thing he loved. And you and I, we did survive. It was hard, I’ll never say it wasn’t. But we made it. Then Brad came along.”
“I don’t want to go through all that. I just want?—”
My attention drifts to the lodge, seeing Brad moving behind the front desk as he works.
For the first time in forever I understand there is one thing I want more than a photojournalism career, always traveling around the countryside or the world on assignment.
“I want Hadley. But at the same time, I don’t want to lose myself. I want alife, not a small-town existence. And, honestly? I don’t know if those two things can coexist.”
“Nobody, not even I, can tell you what to do. But I can tell you this: the only opportunities we regret as we get older are the ones concerning the heart.”
She pats my face and I wipe it again. It’s almost dry, despite the blubbering I’ve done in the last few hours.
“Thanks, Mom.”
She pushes out the door and walks around the front of the van. I do the same, grabbing my bag and gear. Mom stops on the stairs and turns back. “You know, you’ll never know what kind of life you could have until you at least talk to him, sweetheart.”
I stop in my tracks.
A hopeful smile pushes over her face. “Levi says hi.” She walks up the stairs and through the front doors.
Huh.
Guess that’s who she was on the phone with.
I lean back into the van and reach for my phone off the dash. The screen lights up with three missed calls from Hadley. Leaving the door open, I sit on the side step and dump my bags on the ground at my feet.
I tap Hadley’s number and take a long, steadying inhale.
He picks up on the second ring.
“Sunshine? Tell me you’re okay.”
