“Baz,” I wheeze.
“Stevie, I’m here.” I feel the faint touch of his hands on my cheeks.
“I can’t breathe.”
“Try small breaths. The ambulance is coming.” He rests his forehead against mine. “We’re gonna take care of you.”
Tears escape my eyes. I can’t even control them. “Baz, don’t tell her. Don’t tell her about all the horrible things I’ve done. Just tell her that I wanted her. I wanted her so bad, and I love her.”
“I’m not going to tell her anything. You are. ‘Cause you aren’t going anywhere, do you hear me?” He shakes my head. “You have fought your whole life. Don’t stop now.”
“I’m tired.” I sigh, shivering from the cold.
“Stay awake, Stevie! Stay awake.”
I want to, but I can’t. It feels like I’m fading away, all the colors of the world blending together as one.
“Baz?”
“Mmm?”
“Will you sing to me? ‘I Am the Highway’?”
I hear Baz sob. “Of course, I will.” His voice is choppy. His hands pawing my damp face.
He hums the melody; I close my eyes. He then softly serenades me, the same way he did that morning in Colorado. The day my life dramatically changed forever. He croons the words, setting me at ease, telling me all the things he isn’t—the carpet ride, the blowing wind, the autumn moon. And all the things he is—the sky, the lightning, and the night.
Baz is definitely my night, because in the dark, you can see every star shine brilliantly in the sky.
I unwillingly drift off, dreaming of my daughter’s face, helpless, yet not alone, as I wander into the night.
Baz ~ One year later
I WAKE UPto an empty bed.
Sliding my hand over the cold sheets, a feeling of loss engulfs me.
Stevie.
A shrill cry followed byda-da-daalerts me someone is up. I roll out of bed, already bright eyed. Mornings have never been an issue for me. I wake up with enough energy to run the New York Marathon. I pull on a pair of sweatpants, and make a pit stop in the bathroom to swallow my pills. I inspect myself in the mirror, scratching my fingernails into my scalp, still getting used to my short hair. I cut it all off a few weeks ago. It was time for a change. Sweeping down the hallway to Audie’s room, I find her standing up in her crib, holding onto the edge, bouncing happily on the mattress. She’s always happy.
Her face lights up when she sees me, her four little chipmunk teeth making an appearance. “Good morning, princess.” I lift her out of the crib and toss her in the air. She shrieks excitedly. Placing her on the changing table, I unbutton her moon and stars footed pajamas as she kicks on her back.
Grabbing a fresh diaper, I untape the one she’s currently wearing. As soon as I pull it down, I replace it. “Whoa. Explosion.” I nearly pass out from the smell. “You’re so small. How does all that come out of you?” I clean her up, then dispose of the toxic waste. She giggles the whole time. I know she’s getting a kick out of this.
“Wanna go see Mommy?” I pick her up and rummage through the closet for some fresh clothes. I settle on a onesie that reads “LMDO—Laughing my diaper off” and a pair of little black pants.
Once she’s dressed, I snag a shirt from my bedroom and head out the front door.
The house we currently reside in is situated on ten acres of land, two hours out of the city. It’s peaceful here. Beautiful, and a perfect place to raise a child. She has an outdoor playground as far as the eye can see. Ducks to feed in a pond and hills to sleigh ride down when it snows. I pledge to give Audie all the things I was deprived of. First and foremost, a father who loves her unconditionally. No matter what. No matter if she’s perfect or not. I welcome the challenge. I may be different. I may have trials and tribulations, but I’m capable of unconditional love. Stevie proved that to me when she blessed me with a lovable little girl who has blonde hair like her mommy and big green eyes like mine.
I carry Audie up one of the hills by the house where a weeping willow stands impressive and proud over the property.
As we come closer, a small cross at the base of the tree comes into view. My feelings are conflicted every time I see it.
A high-pitched scream that nearly punctures my eardrum escapes from Audie when she sees her mommy.
Stevie turns, startled, then a huge smile breaks out across her face.
