“Yes,” tears drip down her face.
I grab her cheeks in my hands and wipe away the wetness with my thumbs. My heart cracks in nine different directions. It’s amazing how many times that muscle can be destroyed and still keep working.
“I killed him, Ellie,” I tell her with conviction. Like somehow that’s supposed to make everything better.
“Good. I hope it hurt.”
“I can assure you it did.”
“Can I please have some water?” She tries to sit up.
“Lie down,” I order. “I’ll get it.” I dutifully pour her a glass and press the straw to her lips, allowing her take several long sips.
“Thank you,” she smiles weakly.
“You’re welcome.” I skim my knuckles across her face. God, I can’t believe how much I missed touching her. “I’m not going to leave your side. We’re going to get better together.”
“We?” she asks concerned. “Are you hurt?”
I nod, rubbing my chest. “Funny thing about pain,” I laugh, not finding anything funny about it at all. “It’s a hell of a lot easier to deal with the physical than it is to deal with the emotional. I could run twelve miles and ignore the burning in my legs or take a bullet and withstand the throbbing in my arm. But try to take away someone I love? There’s no escaping that agony. I may not be lying in a hospital bed, but I’m still injured.”
Ellie sighs trying to hold back the overload of emotion that is so clearly evident on her face. “What now?”
I smile. “We move forward. We can get married, have children, travel. Whatever you want to do.”
“No children,” she fires back at me spontaneously.
I look at her funny. “Why no children?”
Her dark-green eyes widen and completely well with tears. “Kayne, my mother needed more therapy than I did after I came home. And after going through what I went through—” she wipes her cheeks as large the reflective droplets fall, “there’s so much evil in this world. I don’t think I could handle it.” She starts to cry so hard she can’t breathe. “I don’t think I could handle—” I wrap her snugly in my arms. “Okay, Ellie. It’s okay. We don’t have to talk about any of that right now.” I let her sob on my shoulder, worried someone is going to walk through the door any second. I don’t want her family to see her like this. “Shhhh . . .”
“You still want to marry me even though I don’t want kids?” She sniffles, eyes puffy and face red.
“Of course I do,” I assure her. “You are the only person I need in this world. Whatever makes you happy will make me happy. Okay?”
She nods sternly, burying her face in the crook of my arm.
“Please don’t cry,” I beg her. “Everything will be okay.”
I hear the door swing open as Monica, Alec, Tara, Juice, and the doctor on rounds appears in the room.
“Where’s my little girl?” Alec announces. I reluctantly let go of Ellie, and I have to give it to her, she puts on her bravest face. She really is the most resilient person I have ever met.
“Right here, Daddy.” She rubs her eyes and smiles.
I step back and watch as she’s showered with love, hoping like hell everything really is going to be okay.
IT HAS BEEN ONE VERYlong, tiring, trying week. Ellie spent the last seven days recuperating in the hospital, and today she finally gets to go home. I watch as she signs the discharge papers the nurse hands to her and listens as the sweet older woman explains how to change her dressings and which medications she should take when. She’s been prescribed so many antibiotics, pain killers and anti-depressants, she could start her own cartel.
“I’m going to get the car.” I kiss her head once she sitting in the wheelchair.
She nods silently. Silent. That’s Ellie these days. Her superficial wounds may be healing, but more often than not she’s lost inside her head.
It’s making me a lunatic. I worry nonstop. I don’t eat, I barely sleep, terrified that Michael may have succeeded in taking her away from me. He might not have killed her, but her spirit is definitely broken, and I’m scrambling to figure out how to fix it.
I pull up to the front of the hospital just as Ellie is wheeled outside. It’s another perfect day in paradise. Blue skies, white puffy clouds and rainbows in the distance. Ellie’s parents went home yesterday, leaving her in my care. We may all be screwed. To say I’m not nervous would be lying. We’ve had this discussion—I’ve never looked after another person in my life. Never had anyone have to depend on me, or commit myself to caring for another person. But I’m going to do my damndest with Ellie.
I just hope it’s enough.
