And yet, Edward’s name persisted, forcing her to withdraw on an intake of breath. She bent her head against Jack’s shoulder and fought for the strength she required to walk away. “We need to end this.”
Right now. Before they did something that could not be undone. She was keenly aware of her state of undress, aware that one swift tug would undo the blanket protecting her modesty, and equally aware that she was one second away from throwing all caution to the wind and letting Jack take her. If he wished to.
“I am engaged to Edward,” she murmured while Jack smoothed a hand over her head. “I’ll not dishonor him by lying with you.”
“Tell me something, Sophia.” He spoke quietly, the words falling slowly from his mouth. “Do you love me?”
His question would have caused her to leap from him had he not held her firmly in place. “That’s a terrible thing to ask.”
“Do you?”
“Jack…”
“Look at me, Sophia.” When she failed to respond, he placed his fingers beneath her chin and nudged it upward. Stormy eyes, dark with intensity, held her captive. “Tell me you love me and I swear I’ll find a way for us to be together.”
“How?”
“I… I don’t know yet.”
Not reassuring by any means. Nor was it the sort of declaration she’d need in order to walk away from the security Edward offered. She shook her head and pulled away from Jack’s touch. “I’m sorry.”
“Sophia, you cannot kiss me as you just did and then deny there’s a deep connection between us.” His hand settled on her shoulder, pinning her before she could add more distance. “Would it help if I were to confess my own love for you?”
“What?” She turned, the bliss she’d recently found in his arms replaced by a sudden anger brought on by confusion.
“I love you, Sophia. I realize now that I’ve done so for years.” He raised his hand as if he intended to caress her cheek.
She swatted it away and gave him a hard look. “Then why did you ignore my letters? Why did you stay away for so long? You gave me no reason to hope, no reason to think you even cared. Rather, I was granted the opposite with every awful piece of gossip I read about you.”
“I’m sorry if I hurt you. Doing so was never my intention, but marrying you was impossible and—”
“That’s the heart of it. Isn’t it, Jack? I’m an unsuitable match for most men, but especially for a peer. So why would you tell me you love me now? What on earth am I supposed to do with that knowledge other than suffer more because of it?”
His eyes widened just enough to convey surprise. He clearly did not understand her position, and proceeded to say as much. “I thought you’d be pleased to know I return your affection.”
“Pleased? How can I be pleased when it doesn’t change anything for the better? Unless you have suddenly chosen to make me your wife and have found a way to do so in a manner that will not humiliate Edward or his parents in the process.” When he said nothing, she huffed a breath and turned away, tears stinging her eyes. “Then your declaration makes no difference. At least before you said anything, I could accept the decision I made to marry Edward, but now…”
Jack stepped closer and wound his arms around her, offering strength even as she railed at him. “I’m sorry. I wish I had said something sooner so you could have had the option of being my—”
The abruptness with which he cut himself off made her blink. She swiped her watery eyes with her hand and turned in his arms. Tilting her head back, she gazed up at him, hoping he’d not been about to suggest what she thought. “Of being your what?”
He dipped his head and kissed her. “Nothing, Sophia. It’s too late for that now anyway. I’m sorry.”
She placed her palm against his chest and shoved. “I could have been your what, Jack? Your wife? Because I think we can both agree you would not have proposed, so what were you thinking just now? That I could have lowered myself to be your mistress? Is that it?”
Discomfort seeped into his eyes, giving him a lost sort of look that tore at her heart. She forced herself to stay strong, to put up barriers one by one so she wouldn’t crumble.
“I would have taken care of you,” he whispered.
She stared at him, at the man she loved so desperately she’d have dived into a frozen lake in order to save him, offered her life for his. Only it wasn’t enough. It never had been. “You didn’t even have the courage to tell me how you feel until it was too late.”
“I didn’t realize how I feel, how I have always felt, until now.” He raked his fingers through his hair. Frustration lent a wild expression to his eyes. “I’m sorry, Sophia. For everything.”
“Me too.” What a mess. When she’d risen that morning she’d been satisfied with her decision to marry Edward. Now, she looked forward to a future filled with more regret and heartache than she could bear.
All because Jack claimed he loved her. Because if he really did, then it was worse knowing they were prevented from being together because she wasn’t good enough for him. Accepting that he didn’t want her would have been easier. She would have made peace with that. Now, she feared she would always live with regret.
She crossed to the window and looked out over the dreary landscape. “It looks like the sleet is letting up. I probably ought to get back to the vicarage.”
