Unwilling to focus on the fact that he’d likely go to hell for wanting to curse the day she and Timothy had met, Devlin clasped his hands tighter and forced himself to say what was necessary. “I’m not trying to take his place.” When she didn’t respond, he added, “When we were in Lisbon and I bought the bonnet for Penny, you reacted as if you’re afraid I’m trying to leap in and steal something from you, whether it be Penny’s affection or the memories you have of Timothy or…or something else entirely.”
“Devlin, I’m sorry. You deserve so much better than me and—”
“None of that matters when you’re the woman I want.” There. He was being as honest as he knew how, and she was now staring at him as if he’d grown horns. Well, it wasn’t as if their marriage could get much worse, so he might as well explain. “It’s always been you, Cass. Before I even realized. And then Lady DeVries gave me the perfect excuse to make you mine and I took it.”
Her eyes widened. “Are you saying you deliberately trapped me?”
Put that way, it didn’t sound very good, did it?
Devlin scratched the back of his head, aware he was stalling. “In a way. I suppose. Although I wasn’t really aware of what I was doing. It was only later, at Clearview, that it occurred to me.” He attempted a grin to lighten the mood, but it just felt flat and empty. “I knew you weren’t looking to marry, that you still mourned Penny’s father, and yet I foolishly believed in a mutual attraction between us.” Needing to touch her, he reached for her hand and slowly stroked his thumb across it. “I’m sorry. You told me not to expect a conventional marriage but I ignored you. I told myself all we needed was time, that eventually you’d let me kiss you and once you did that we would end up in bed and our marriage would be as it should be. But you clearly don’t want me with the same desperation I want you and…” Feeling like a proper idiot, he yanked his hand back and raked his fingers through his hair. “Christ, I’ve been so blind and stupid. I—”
“No.” She spoke softly but surely, wielding the word like a blade to halt his self-deprecation. A ragged series of breaths followed. Devlin’s heart began pounding with a curious awareness of impending change. “You’re neither blind nor stupid.”
“What are you saying?” He asked the words in a low gravelly voice he scarcely recognized.
Her throat worked and she glanced away. Clearly, she found their conversation difficult, the words hard to get out. But then she said, “The attraction is mutual. It always has been. And it scares me to death.”
The knot in his chest loosened, allowing him to take a deep breath. Mutual attraction. Well, there was a start. But rather than let instinct guide him and do as his body demanded – which was to pull her fiercely against him and crush her mouth with his – he chose to focus on the last part she’d said.
“Because you think acting on it would be disloyal?” When she nodded he felt his heart break for her. Was she even aware of how much she was sacrificing for a love that could no longer be? “If you’d been widowed at an older age, I might understand, but you weren’t even married and your courtship was brief. Cass…” She stiffened and gave him her back. “I know you loved him, how could you not when he’d been a part of your life for so long? When you chose him to be the man you’d grow old with, the man who would father your children?”
Her shoulders began to shake, alerting him to the tears she was shedding. Nothing made him feel worse, but there was more to be said, so after giving her a brief reprieve, he quietly continued.
“Are you happy living like this, without being held or cherished as you deserve?” A small shake of her head was her only response. Devlin drew a deep breath and forged straight ahead. Moving closer, he placed one hand on her shoulder and carefully said, “Let me help you, Cass. Let me care for you as I swore I would do before God. Let me be the husband I know I can be. Let me…please, Cass, please…let me kiss you.”
It wasone of those moments where a simple response would determine the future. Cassandra felt this deep in her bones. She sensed that if she walked away from Devlin now – if she refused him – he’d never reach out to her again in this way, and she would most likely lose her chance to have a proper marriage forever. Because then it would be up to her to change things between them, and she knew she wouldn’t have the courage to do so.
So she turned, in spite of the tears streaming down her cheeks and the guilt ruthlessly clawing away at her heart. Because his words had struck a chord, reminding her of the loneliness she always felt even when she was in a crowded room. It followed her everywhere, even though she’d been blessed with a daughter and friends who were like sisters to her. In spite of it all, something was missing, and as she gazed up into Devlin’s expectant face, allowed her eyes to lock onto his, she knew without hesitation what that something was. It was the need to be held, touched, comforted, and adored, but also a burning desire to return the favor.
Shuddering slightly, perhaps from cold or possibly from her petrified nerves, she forced herself to reach for change by leaping off the proverbial cliff and straight into the awaiting abyss.
Of course it wasn’t quite so dramatic. All it took was one nod and she was in his arms. A tiny gasp of surprise was forced from her throat and sensation took over. There was strength in his embrace and warmth as well, and lord, it felt good to be held by a man once again. It had been so long. Too long. And it hadn’t occurred to her until right now the extent to which she’d missed it.
But it was also different, as she’d known it would be since the first time she’d watched her husband undress. He was much larger than Timothy had been, completely lacking the slimmer build of a younger man whose body had yet to mature. Instead, all she felt were the hard muscular planes and powerful limbs of a capable man. And as she pressed her cheek to his chest and felt his heart beat in response to her touch, she inhaled him, an enticing scent of sandalwood mixed with the wool of his jacket and an added hint of the wine he’d enjoyed during his meal.
She felt his hand settle carefully against the small of her back, holding her to him while the other reached under her chin, tipping it up until his face filled her vision. He stroked his thumb lightly over her temple, the callused pad adding a touch of abrasion she would have presumed uncomfortable. But it wasn’t. Quite the opposite, in fact.
Eyes locked with hers, he slowly lowered his head, allowing her the chance to retreat. The thought did cross her mind and for a split second her brain screamed for her to run, to flee this man who could give her the life she’d been meant to have with another – a man she already cared for so deeply she worried she might one day grow to love him.
And what then? Would she not be dishonoring Timothy’s memory by opening her heart to another? Would she forget how much he’d meant to her and how perfect things had been between them? Would what they’d once shared be overshadowed, buried a little bit deeper, with each new experience Devlin gave her? And if that were the case, could she live with herself, knowing she’d turned her back on the vow she’d once made?
Before she was able to answer the questions, she felt Devlin’s lips on her own—soft, but certain – just a gentle press of affection, or perhaps a test of how willing she’d be. A low whimper filled the air, and she realized she’d made the sound. Why, she wasn’t entirely sure. It could have been either from pleasure or pain, a culmination of all her desires and fears.
“Cass,” he murmured, so low his voice vibrated through her, offering life to parts of her body and soul that had been dead for so many years. Her hand caught his shoulder to steady herself as he kissed her again, this time at one corner of her mouth. And then at the other.
He placed another kiss on her lips and then drew back, just enough to gaze down into her upturned face. “I wouldn’t mind if you kissed me back.”
Confused, she blinked a couple of times. “What?” The word was scarcely a whisper.
The edge of his mouth lifted to form a wry smile. “You’re like a statue, Cass.” And then he frowned, loosened his hold, and seemed about ready to let her go. “Perhaps you’d rather we stop?”
“No. I like this, Dev. I like you and being with you in this way.” Unsure of how to explain what was happening to her, she closed her eyes briefly and took a deep breath. When she opened them again, she was met by a desperate need for understanding. So she told him as honestly as she was able. “This isn’t easy. As much as I want to be the wife you deserve and to make you happy, I’m haunted by the past at every turn, and I just can’t seem to let it go. Not completely.”
“I’m not asking you to. I’d never do that. You loved another man with everything you were, Cass, and I accept that. But that doesn’t mean you and I can’t have something new and uniquely ours.” He cupped her cheek. “I believe a person can find love more than once in a lifetime. And one does not have to exclude the other.”
“Love?” His dark eyes gazed down at her with fierce intensity, the fire burning within almost making her lose her footing. “But you don’t, and I don’t, and—”
He kissed her again, stopping her chaotic thoughts from swirling out of control. And this time, the added possessiveness of it prompted her to respond. Driven by some primal instinct she thought she’d forgotten, she arched against him and parted her lips.
