I feel a little exhilarated, like I’ve just come clean, my mouth taking on a life of its own, running ahead without the services of my brain. ‘I’ll admit to feelings I’m not familiar with, responses I’d thought were impossible, but I definitely am a bit kinky. God, I feel like celebrating!’ The words hit the air in a whoosh as Kai’s hands slip from my shoulders and travel to my leather bound wrists.
‘What exactly did you have in mind?’
My cheeks heat immediately, just from his tone of voice.
‘How do you do that? Look at me—I’m back to being embarrassed justtalkingabout it. I just don’t get how I can... canget offbeing embarrassed and... stuff. In the moment, you know?’
He inhales deeply, letting the air out slowly and it’s almost as if the words curl sensuously from his mouth. ‘Desire, lust, possession. The forbidden, sensations, psychology. It’s all of those things, and more, for some.’
‘For you?’
‘I want to own you a little. Love you a lot.’ Something inside me ignites at his low-spoken words, the cadence of his voice even, his eyes without guile. ‘I want you to feel like I could snap your will over my knee like a twig, and for you to trust in that moment that I won’t.’
He wants to push me to breaking point? My breath halts, the hairs on my neck rising as the implications of his words roll around my head. All—okay, probablymost—of my brain function suggests I get out of here while my libido still envisions a different end.
Still on his knees, Kai closes his eyes, bowing his head in my lap. I want to wrap my fingers in his hair, bring him to me after he’s laid himself bare, but I’m frozen, rendered powerless by fear.
Suddenly, he pushes himself upright and resumes his seat.Leaving me.
I long to have the words in my vocabulary, but I’m terrified of what all this could mean. Is it not enough to have the courage to trust someone to love you enough not to break your heart, without worrying for your own mental health? The depth of feeling I have for Kai tells me I should fear this. It’s not some abstract possibility.
My mind is a riot of thoughts at his words: dominance, the forbidden, surrender. And I’m terrified, but not of Kai, not of the things he wants to do to me. But of myself; of the why and how I’ll allow him to do those things. For kicks.
Back in his seat, his hand moves absently to the platter on the table, selecting a fig and passing it from hand to hand. The moon is reflected in the water of the pool, the light extending and highlighting his sculpted cheekbones, the graceful slope of his brow.
But this isn’t about how beautiful he is, of how he makes me feel. This is about me, learning to be comfortable in my own skin.Learning to just be.
This is part of the new Kate.
Could I turn my back on her? On him? Could I return to living life as before?
Before I’ve time to consider my answer, my heart speaks.
‘Kai, I do trust you. Please take care of me.’
