‘For safety’s sake. For health reasons. Not that I’m at high risk when I always wear—’ He clears his throat, tone changing as he adjusts his position in the bed. ‘I’m sorry you had to go through that. That you’ve suffered. But what you have to understand, last night, I did no more than you allowed me to. You weren’t vulnerable. You were in control. The situation may not have been the best, but your responses were honest. You drove us both on.’
‘That makes no sense. Who’d consciously choose to be hurt?’ I whisper.
‘Lots of people do. You did.You do,’ he says earnestly. ‘Even before last night, like when I bite you, your body melts and you rise to my touch. You can’t deny it any more than I can deny my joy in marking you in those times. And,habibti, seeing you vulnerable, knowing you would trust me in those moments, fills me with a passion so raw and pure, it’s like nothing else.’ His face, like his words, is intense and passionate. ‘I’m sorry you’ve been hurt, but you never have to be afraid with me.’
‘But the more I give to you, the more I risk.’ And there it is: my hopes and fears in one little four letter word.
‘Everything in life is a risk. The question you must ask yourself is, is what we have worth that risk?’
I ignore his question; the potential answer is frighteningly clear.
‘How can I—why do you like... what you do to me?’
He shrugs lightly, shoulders rising and falling, unaffected. ‘Why do any of us like what we like? For some, it’s cerebral, for others the endorphin driven high. I think for me, it’s a combination of both. I relish the ritual, the rawness. I desire your surrender to me, above anyone else. But it’s your trust that gets me most.’ He shakes his head almost ruefully, fingertips touching my cheek. ‘I can’t put it into words what it means tohaveyou.’ Any more words from him and I think I might melt right off the bed. He smiles, sort of bashful, before his eyes find mine again. ‘And when I see your need rise, watch my own reflected in your eyes, it makes me want to push you further, so high that you feel you may never come down.’
I stare at him. How can I not? His eyes burn amber with passion, the cadence of his voice softly seducing, his words alone making me feel high. But a pragmatic voice in the back of my head whispers,he’s talking about making you vulnerable, causing you pain.
‘But you also enjoy—want—to hurt me, I can tell.’ It’s a statement, not a question, my breath catching as I speak, exhilaration and fear rippling along my spine.
‘Sometimes. And no more than you want to be hurt. All relationships have give and take. All involve a little power play on some level, too.’
‘So for you, it’s about power, not sex?’ I lick parched lips, my mouth suddenly dry.
‘You know what they say, everything in the world is about sex, except sex itself. Because sex is about power. And sometimes control.’
‘You want to control me?’ I ask part horrified, part turned on.
‘On some level. Don’t look so shocked. Look, sex shouldn’t conform or be a certain way. It should be what you and I decide it to be. I want all your pleasure, to be the cause of all your pleasure. And I want your pain because I kind of get off on that, too.’
‘You do?’
‘You know I do.’
‘I don’t know... if... I can’t...God,I don’t know!’
I cover my eyes with my hands. I’m not entirely sure I like the sound of being in pain, intellectually, at least. But the fervour and passion in his words; it’s hard not to feel a little seduced. I shiver, mind and body at odds. What he does to my body is sometimes painful, sometimes shameful. But somehow always plain wonderful.
‘You’ve felt it, Kate, what’s between us. We have such a connection. This hasn’t been some kind of conscious seduction.’ I twist my face in scepticism and peek through my fingers. At least he has the good grace to look uncomfortable. For a moment. A short moment. When he speaks, it’s with passion once more. ‘Okay, the seduction I’m guilty of, but I haven’t lured you by some nefarious means. Your body speaks for you. You enjoy what we do.’
‘But it makes me vulnerable. I promised myself I would never be in that position again.’
‘I want to deserve your trust. That you would trust means everything to me.’
I shake my head vehemently. ‘Your terms are too much. I can’t surrender, submit—’
‘Submission can be an affirmative action,’ he interrupts fiercely. ‘An act of will, not an escape from it, don’t you see? You have to have the power in the first place in order to give it up. I can’t do this without you. Duet, not duel, remember? Don’t go looking for things that aren’t there. I ask only that you consider this. An us with this, for you to listen to your heart, and know that I would never hurt you.’ He frowns briefly before one eyebrow rises ironically. ‘No more than you would have me.’
My sweating palms grasp the sheets. ‘How long have you... been into this?’
He shrugs dismissively, like it’s of no consequence. ‘It’s not something that rules my existence. It’s just something I enjoy.’
‘You and Sofia?’
‘Don’t,’ he says softly, lowering his gaze. ‘Let’s not.’
But I need to hear it. Looks like torture’s part of my kink, too. ‘But you and she... it wasn’t an ordinary affair.’ Not that being half of a bisexual marriage can be considered ordinary in many circles.
‘If you’re asking did we play, then yes, though not exclusively. That was the basis of our arrangement. Misery does acquaint men with strange bedfellows sometimes.’ With a rueful chuckle, his gaze slides away. Meanwhile, the wordplayhangs like an expletive in the air.
