I don’t agree with neutral, but nod in the absence of words as I’m gripped, viscerally assaulted, by a hand twisting my insides. Fear, but not prompted by his curt turn of phrase. Fear not even of losing my job, but of what he’s about to say. Fear of finding out I’m losing him for good.
The leather chair creaks as he straightens suddenly, bringing his feet to the floor.
‘You weren’t at home this morning.’
‘No,’ I agree unnecessarily. ‘I left early.’ My heart rate lifts—he came for me!—but despite my insides being on a spin cycle, my voice is eerily calm.
‘To avoid me.’
It isn’t a question nor something he expands on. For myself, I couldn’t fill the pause even if I wanted to. Time trickles by and he doesn’t move, just watches me through those dark, dark lashes, his gaze watchful, and I realise belatedly, bruised.
‘I thought after that night...’ I inhale, aiming for dignified, when all I really want to do really is climb onto his lap and have a bloody good sob. ‘I thought we’d said all that was to be said.’ As I say this, a future without Kai is suddenly as miserable as the looming skies.
Please don’t let me cry.
I clear my throat, hands sticky-palmed with apprehension and clasped tightly against my knees. ‘I told you how I felt—feel. Then Shane . . . you went behind my back. I don’t understand why.’ My words end in a whisper.
His return gesture is an uncomfortable one, almost as though his jacket or maybe, his thoughts, are uncomfortable. His voice, when he speaks, is quiet still. ‘You want to know why I know what I do? Why I sought what you wouldn’t tell?’
Couldn’t bring myself to tell him, more like. If only he knew.
‘Because I can.’
‘That’s not an acceptable reason, and it isn’t a normal reaction—’
‘You’re very preoccupied with normal,’ he interrupts tersely, ‘more than you ought to be. And I didn’t say it was right, but you weren’t going to tell. I knew there had to be more.’
‘That’s beyond intrusive,’ I bluster. ‘Why couldn’t you have just taken it as I said?’
‘Kate.’ His tone is even but without warmth. ‘Your face is like a mirror into your head. I knew you were hiding something, and in the interests of self-preservation, I sought that information out.’
‘Self-preserv—Why? How?’ Hands lying demurely against my legs, my fingernails press into my skirt, digging into my knees.
‘Why? Because I don’t date. And you’re a girl who does. A girl whoshouldbe dated as opposed to ...’
I help him out, the word propelled from my throat. ‘Fucked?’
Totally brazen, he shrugs. ‘As to how, money provides access to lots of things.’
‘Lots of things it shouldn’t.’ I find I’m on my feet, hands braced against the desk. ‘You sent someone snooping into my past. You had no right, past is what’s... behind. Done. The future’s what’s ahead!’
A patina of impatience clouds his brow, as elbows against the arms of his chair, he opens his hands. ‘Thank you for that astute observation, but in my business, it pays to know as much as you canbeforemaking any form of decision.’
‘You think you can look at me like I’m some kind of commodity, some sort of deal?’
At this he stands, his cool facade slipping as he braces his hands opposite mine. ‘Yes, you’re a deal.’ Leaning across the desk, amber embers stare down. ‘A big fucking deal. Don’t you get that? I want to be with you, Kate. Like I’ve wanted nothing else. Right now, you’re feeling vulnerable and just as likely to turn around and leave, go back to Australia. I didn’t want to frighten you off when maybe, just maybe, all you needed was a casual fling.’ Energy seems to drain from his body as he falls back into the chair. ‘Casual when I feel so involved.’
I feel a little faint suddenly myself and match him, sinking back into my chair. ‘I’ve never done casual. That was your thing.’
‘Fuck casual,’ he mutters. ‘I’ve never wanted to be yourfuckingfriend.’
‘When were you going to letmeknow?’ My anger gives way to confusion, things I’d never contemplated as reasonable for him. Men. Why the hell do they have to be so thick, bloody obtuse?
‘When I’d come to terms with it myself.’ One hand scrubs the back of his head, his gaze rising to mine. ‘That sounds less positive than I’d like it to. I was building up to it, I think.’
I smile, sort of watery, but it’s a smile all the same. Ridiculous really. From anger to confusion to feeling that my heart could sprout wings and fly out of my mouth.
‘And about Essam.’ My face falls at the mention of his name, Kai holding out a forestalling hand. ‘A conversation for later. I just wanted to say you were right and I... wasn’t.’
