As my heart rhythm begins to regulate, I tell myself it’s only natural. I’ve just come back from a combat zone. And being on edge is part of the job.
One that’s getting worse with each deployment.
Shaking off the excess adrenaline, I head to the fridge. I haven’t had anything since I grabbed a strong coffee and a stale flapjack from the motorway services early this morning and . . . it looks like that’s all I’ll be having until I make plans for myself.
‘What the fuck does she live on?’ I find myself muttering because it’s certainly not what’s in the fridge. The answer is in a dubious looking takeout container and a tray of half-eaten prehistoric looking sushi. Slamming the fridge door shut, I begin opening drawers, almost instantly finding what I’m looking for.The takeaway menu stash.My stomach rumbles as I open the app on my phone and place an order with the nearest takeaway joint before doing the thing I’m putting off.
‘Benji!’ Melody almost screams down the line. ‘You’re here! Well, there. You are there, aren’t you? At Penny’s place? God, doesn’t that sound like the name of an awful café? But you are there, aren’t you?’
‘Breathe, Mel. Come up for air.’ Jesus, the lung capacity this girl has would probably get her through BUD/S dive training, hypothetically at least. But her tenacity would certainly give the US Navy SEALs a run for their money. My lot, too. The SAS, not that I go around shouting what regiment I belong to. ‘Yes, I’m here,’ I say in answer. ‘Why wouldn’t I be here? Were you expecting her to turn me away? To order me never to darken her door again?’
‘Maybe. Just a little bit. You were a massive penis to her growing up, you must admit.’
‘Mel, while I’m a fan of both those words, particularly in that order, never refer to what I keep in my undies again.’
‘Ha. A massive penis is more like what you keep on your head. It’s no wonder I had to convince her to take you in.’
‘Fuck, Mel. What did you say to her?’
‘I just spoke sense, and while Pen says she still bears the scars of your torment, she appreciated my assertion that you are sort of like family. The kind of family you endure rather than enjoy. You know, like the cousin you have to invite to your birthday party even though you don’t like him because he smells.’
I don’t know about malodorous cousins, but I’m up for the kissing kind.
‘Looks like I’ve got some PR work to do, doesn’t it? Scars to kiss better.’
‘No. I won’t allow it,’ she says forcefully. ‘Don’t you eventhinkabout—’
‘Metaphorically, Mel. By being a model housemate.’ She makes a noise as though thoroughly unconvinced.
‘You’d better behave. I told her you were a model citizen these days. At least, you are when you’re home, as far as I can tell. Though God only knows what you get up to overseas.’
‘God and the British Army, Mel. And all for the good of the country.’ Or so they tell us.
‘But Penny was okay with you staying?’
‘She seemed so,’ I reply. ‘Why?’
‘Because I only asked her today. Just as you arrived, actually.’
‘Jesus, Mel. Talk about putting the girl on the spot.’
‘The girl? You mean Dr Ballantine, you sexist shit.’
‘O-kay. Step away from the crazy, Melody. Seek the light.’
‘And not only has she worked bloody hard to get where she is, she’s also been dicked about by one of your lot—’
‘Was her ex a soldier?’ It wouldn’t surprise me. We don’t exactly have a good rep.
‘No, he probably would’ve failed his medical on account of missing his spine. And on the subject of body parts, you’re going to keep your penis to yourself while staying with her. Also, in my experience, men who brag about their dick usually have cocktail sausage not bratwurst.’
‘Ah-ah-ah!’ I sing. ‘That word is on the forbidden list. Also, please never again allude to the fact that you even know what a penis looks like. As far as my mind is concerned, the word penis is as unfamiliar to you as my own dick.’
‘I hate to break it to you, but I’ve seen your dick before. And I’ve used more than the word, if you get what I mean.’ She giggles suggestively, adding to my discomfort. ‘But do you get what I’m saying about Penny?’
‘You’re asking me to be nice to her.’ And I plan on being so.
‘No, you fuckwit, I’m asking you not to bang her.’
