‘Melody Monroe. What do you take me for?’
‘A bit of a man whore. And I’ve told Penny so don’t even think about bringing some random girl back to Penny’s place—house. Get a fucking room if you find that special someone. You know, someone blind and stupid.’
‘Mel,’ I say, feigning a little hurt. ‘I’m not that bad. I’ve never brought random women back.’
‘Yes, yes, you have,’ she begins, and it suddenly and uncomfortably dawns on me where she’s taking this.
‘One time, Mel. That happened one time. And in my defence, I was young and drunk and—’
‘I know, I’ve heard this song before. You were only twenty. But you still made our poor parents wonder if you’d become a cross dresser because Cinderella’s slipper that wasnot.’
‘Jesus,’ I say with a sigh. ‘I’ll never live this one down, will I?’
‘Not so long as I have breath.’
On my very first leave, I met a girl in a club and took her home—to my childhood home. We fucked in the conservatory because I wasn’t yet sensible enough to book a hotel but didn’t want to take her to my bedroom and wake the house with a little headboard banging. It wasn’t even a one-night stand, more like a half-night stand after I’d bundled her into a cab. But she must’ve been drunker than she looked—and that’s to say she was probably as drunk as me—because she left a shoe in the flowerbeds on her way down the garden path. She wasn’t a small girl, and her shoe was sized accordingly, so when the dog carried it in, the assumption was it belonged to a man. Under interrogation, I crumbled, and that’s when the trouble began.
Are you sure last night’s date didn’t have a little something tucked between her legs?taunted Melody.You know, with tape?
We fully support you if you’re having second thoughts about being in the Forces. This from my dad who was worried his possibly cross-dressing son would garner abuse.
Is it a cry for help?asked my mum.
By the end of the day, I was crying for them to leave me alone.
‘When are you going to forget about that?’
‘When it ceases to draw a reaction from you,’ she answers simply. ‘It’s fun when you bite like a yappy terrier. But you’re going to be a model house guest, aren’t you? Pen will hardly know you’re there, mostly because she’s never there, but you get what I mean.’
‘I hear you loud and clear, sis.’
‘Good. I’m glad we agree that Penny’s rebound needs to be someone other than you.’
‘Cheers, sis.’
‘And if all goes to plan, she’ll find Mr Rebound this weekend.’
‘Do tell,’ I answer in a disinterested tone. A tone at odds with the tight knot my belly.
‘Well, we’re going out for cocktails, and then we’re going to dance.’
‘I don’t see any rebound dick in your plan.’
‘Don’t you worry about the dickage available. Take my word for it, it’s just like fishing.’
‘Sex is nothing like fishing.’
‘Haven’t you heard the sayingthere are plenty fish in the sea for those who wiggle the right worm?’
‘Right, that’s it. I going to tell Mum you need your mouth washed out with soap.’
Chapter 6
PENNY
Ben wasn’t around when I left for work the following evening, but I made sure to leave him the spare set of keys on the kitchen countertop—Liam’s keys actually—along with a note telling him about the cat. Specifically, that Ihada cat. It seems I’d forgotten to tell him, probably dazzled by the whole lot of man suddenly inhabiting my house. While I’ll admit a sudden repulsion at hearing Ben say he owned snakes, the lying ass, my horror and disgust was quickly replaced by another thought:
Do cats trump snakes or the other way around?
