I pull out my phone and send a quick text to Helen.
Hey, this is really random, and it’s okay if you’re too busy, but I was wondering if maybe you might have some recommendations for some books for me to listen to?
A moment later, I add:Specifically maybe books with some fantasy in them?Wes seems to love those kinds of stories; it might give us something else to talk about in our nightly clandestine meetings.
Another moment of internal conflict follows before I tag on:Maybe even books that have some kissing scenes? And other things like that ...
I almost delete the last text, but before I can second-guess myself, I send it off. Maybe listening to “spicy” books will be good practice for me. Maybe this will be a good way for me to decide whether I’m really ready to explore my physical relationship with Wes, or if I just got carried away with how nice it was to kiss him last night. But I figure if I’m the captain steering the boat, I better know which direction I want to go.
I expect it to be a while before Helen can get back to me. She’s busy planning her wedding and doing all her day-to-day tasks in the library. So I’m surprised when I hear an almost automatic ping.
Yes, yes, yes!!!Helen writes back, with about a thousand more exclamation points.
I realize too late that I’ve just unleashed a particularly ravenous beast. As the old proverb goes, never ask a librarian for a book recommendation unless you’re ready for at least a dozen to come your way.
Helen not only sends me a list of books, she also sends me links to the audiobook versions, tells me which ones are available on Libby and/or Hoopla (since I have very limited income, she knows this is how I get most of my books), and gives me detailed descriptions of what she enjoys about each of them. Some of them…honestly, I’m feeling flushed just reading the descriptions. People write about these things? I’m not one to judge, but I guess I never realized so many women fantasized about having sex with big colorful aliens. And until today, I definitely had no idea what “reverse harem” was. When I saw a book cover with a woman and a bunch of men, I assumed it was about a girl and all her brothers. After reading the description, I discovered I was very,verywrong.
After perusing the list, I send Helen a GIF of a panda bear covering its face with its paws. Hopefully this succinctly conveys to her that even though I’m thankfulfor the recommendations, I’d probably feel overwhelmed by anything else at this point. At least, that’s what the GIF conveys to me.
I look at Helen’s list again. I worry these are all going to be too advanced for my first ever romance novel. But after a few minutes, I find one that doesn’t look quite as racy as the rest of them. It’s a simple story about a peasant (Theera) who doesn’t realize she’s a princess, and the assassin (Khorum) who takes her under his wing to help her reclaim her kingdom. The guy on the cover looks a bit like Wes, which may or may not be why I choose it. (Spoiler: It totally is.) The fact that he’s shirtless and making sultry bedroom eyes makes me flush with nervous anticipation, but I remind myself that the book will be on my phone, where no one else can see it.
That resolved, I check out the audiobook, then play it through my earbuds as I continue my work. For quite a while, the storyline seems like a normal fantasy plot, one that I quickly become invested in. As I cut and trim and pin and stitch, I get lost in the monotony of the motions, and my mind carries me away in the story that’s unfolding. I start to really care about Khorum and Theera, like they’re actual people who I get to follow as they fall in love.
There’s nothing better than watching two people fall in love, is there? That’s why fairy tales have been popular for so long. That’s why people like these reality dating shows so much. There are so many awful things in the world, so many things designed to make you feel trampled and small. Love does the opposite, though. It makes you feel big, too big to be contained in one mortal body. It makes you feel seen. Maybe that’s why across cultures, throughout history, the incredible miracle of falling in love is the story we keep telling again and again.
The time flies by quickly, and I’m lost in the magical kingdom of Onestia and the growing feelings between these two characters. It’s a really beautiful story of self-discovery, learning to overcome adversity. Growing, changing, coming together.That’s the thing that a lot of people don’t realize about romance, I consider as I continue working. It’s not just about the obvious parts—the kissing and the beautiful people and whatnot. It’s about two people, who on paper seem like they shouldn’t work together, realizing how much they have in common. Realizing how much theyneedeach other. It’s actually really sweet when you?—
Then the first love scene begins.
Even though I can’t see myself, I’m positive my ears are bright red. I keep glancing around the room to make sure no one can accidentally overhear what’s playing through my earbuds, even though I have the volume on so low,Icanbarely hear the details. Nevertheless, I feel my body flush as the narrator’s husky voice goes into long and lengthy detail about what exactly is happening—who’s touching what and making what noise and who’s putting what where. What exactly each character is feeling as it’s happening.
The amount of detail honestly shocks and astonishes me. Not necessarily in a bad way. I’ve heard Helen read some of her stories out loud before, and those had almost as much description. But there’s something more intimate about listening to these types of details in an audiobook. Like it’s a secret the book and I are sharing together. Me, Khorum, and Theera. I feel as though I’m right there with them.
And then, to my surprise, I start to wish that what’s happening in the scene was happening to me. And it all gets confusing, because a part of me feels like thisshouldbe shameful. I should have the strength to turn off the audiobook and put it away and never listen to it again.
But I also can’t help but admit that I’m enjoying what I’m hearing. And that I’m desperate to know what happens next.
It doesn’t take long before I realize that I won’t be able to finish the audiobook before my shift is over. I know I won’t be able to wait until tomorrow to hear what happens next, but I also know that I’ll be too ashamed to listen to this type of story while I’m in the hotel suite with Uncle Aaron and Aunt Hope. The thought of somebody stumbling across the book—one of my cousins picking up my phone, or the app glitching and playing a chapter out loud for some reason—sends me into anticipatory spirals of anxiety and shame.
Luckily, I figure out that I can play the book on almost twice the speed to make it go faster. If I keep it up at this pace, then I might just be able to finish the story before I leave at the end of the day.
As the next few hours pass, I work in a frenzy, sewing on sequin after sequin until my fingers begin to blister, as all the while I am swept away in the romance of the fantastical kingdom. By the time I get to the end of my shift, and the end of the book, I’ve already downloaded the next two. Not as audiobooks this time, but as e-books I can read on my phone. It is still risky, since any one of my relatives could open my library app, but I figure it’s safer than having something that could potentially play out loud and be overheard. Still, I vow to keep my phone with me at all times, just in case.
I don’t know if Wes will be able to come to my room again tonight. It’s got to be awfully risky for him to try to sneak away when he’s already pretending to be someone he’s not. Already putting his job at jeopardy, just to see me. But I find myself hoping very much that he’ll be able to make it. He was on my mind the entire time I was listening to that story.
And I have a few things that I know now I really need to say to him.
Chapter 35
Wes
“Mountainettes,” Chet Hodgkins announces in his ultrasmooth broadcaster voice, staring deeply into the camera’s lens, “it’s time to narrow down your contestants to your final three. These Mountain Men will be meeting your kinfolk and breaking bread with them.”
We’ve reached another Axing Ceremony. In some ways, this is the one that will count the most. If Harmony chooses me, then I’ll be meeting her family. I’ll be meeting Aaron Miller. And sure, I doubt the guy will confess his white-collar crimes after chatting with me for an hour over dinner, but it will be first contact. My first chance to make an impression, to build a rapport with him.
Nate R. might be pretty boring in the personality department, but one thing I know about him for sure? He’s great with parents. Respectful, deferential, trustworthy. The kind of guy you might want your daughter to marry. The kind of guy you might decide to take under your wing and bring into your shady family business.
I’m so close, I can taste it. Weirdly, it tastes like buffalo jerky—or maybe that’s just because we had to eat half a pound of it in our last challenge before the Axing Ceremony, for reasons I’m not entirely clear on.
