Picking at the imaginary lint on my pants, I do what he’s told me to do—sit, think, reflect. It hurts knowing that what he says is true, but I have to remember we’re here for a reason. I need to accept this wasn’t my fault. None of this was my fault. I was just a kid.
Oscar.
I sigh, wanting to tell him I’m a dad and to get his opinion but I’m scared he’ll call CPS on my ass.Would he though? This is Mike and he hasn’t let me down yet. Do I tell him? Do I keep quiet?
Fuck!
Before I can overthink it, I blurt, “I have a son.”
“How does that make you feel?”
I turn toward him. “Mike, has anyone ever told you how irritating that sentence is?” I ask with a raised brow.
He laughs. “Yes, many a time, but it’s useful. Effective even. It makes you think rather than me putting words in your mouth.”
“Still annoying,” I grumble, but add, “Excited, scared, terrified, anxious.” I shrug. I know there are more emotions churning inside me, but I’m not sure what their names are or how to articulate them.
“What do you think is the worst that could happen?” He puts his elbows on his knees, leaning forward and steepling his fingers as he continues. “Inyour mind, what’s the one thing above all else that you're most concerned about?”
“That he’ll hate me.”
“What would you do to make him hate you?”
I open my mouth but close it again, stumped.Fucker got me good. “I don’t know.”
He gives me a broad smile, and I pout. “Exactly. You’re a good person, Theo. You know what you want out of life, and you most definitely know what you don’t want to end up like, so it stands to reason he’s not going to hate you.”
“I really don’t like that you’re right half the time,” I mumble, wiggling a finger at him.
“I’m just here to help, nothing more,” he replies jokingly.
“I’m scared, Mike. I’m so fucking scared,” I whisper, but I know he heard me.
“Scared is a good emotion to have. It means you care. It’s a fundamental element that helps protect us when we feel like we’re in danger.”
“Feels like I’m in fucking danger all the time,” I snark, rolling my eyes.
“That’s just your brain firing on all cylinders. It’ll get easier the more you tell it you're safe,” he replies gently.
“Like when Raven says, ‘I’m safe, there’s no threat?’” I ask. I’ve heard her whispering it to herself a few times, and I’ve even heard James murmur it to her.
“I can’t speak for Raven, but it does sound like that’s her way of reiterating to herself and her inner voice that she’s safe.” He nods. “It’s a good mantra to have.”
“Hmm,” I reply noncommittally. It might be worth coming up with my own.
“What about Blake? I know you’ve been spending a lot of time with her. How’s that going?”
“Good.” I smile. “She’s amazing. So gentle and patient with me, even though I’m a needy bastard.”
“Needy? How?” he asks, leaning back in his chair and writing in his book.
“I’m convinced she’s gonna leave me, so I’m crowding her. Obviously, I can't keep my hands off her either, and I feel like I’m smothering her.”
Mike nods. “You have what sounds like an attachment disorder. Again, with your upbringing, that’s not surprising. How is Blake dealing with it? Is she accepting or…?”
“Well, she’s not turned me away at any point, so I’ll take it as a good sign.” I let out a self-deprecating laugh, then shrug. “She keeps telling me that unless we get caught, she won’t leave.” Mike raises an eyebrow, so I quickly add, “Interwork relationships aren’t allowed, so she’s understandably worried about her job, but I’m too much of a selfish bastard to keep away from her.”
“Don’t you think that’s being unfair to her?”
