“Later,” he growls before drawing her in for a kiss. He slaps her ass as she leaves, and a yelp falls from her lips.
“One of these days I’m going to stop jumping when you do that,” she says, chuckling.
“Why? It’s cute,” he replies seriously, like everything she does is adorable.
“Love you, bye,” she calls over her shoulder as she exits the room, the front door slamming shortly after.
James shakes his head at her antics, a soft smile on his face and hearts in his eyes. “Fuck, I love her.”
“Really?” I gasp, clutching my chest. “I had no idea. The possessive ‘touch her and die’ vibes didn’t clue me in at all,” I drawl sarcastically.
He slaps the back of my head. “Alright, smartass. What do you need?”
Chapter Forty
THEO
Sitting in Mike’s office, I feel like I can breathe for the first time. We dropped our sessions from every day to once a week because he said I needed to give myself some time to reflect and sit with my emotions before the next session. He’s not wrong either. The more I sit and try to work out what I’m feeling, the more it helps. I’ve taken a step back and given myself a minute to figure out why I’m reacting the way I am.
“Have you managed to speak to Christie yet?” he asks quietly.
I breathe out a heavy sigh as I run a hand down my face. “No, and I don’t think I will.”
“Can I ask why?” He must sense my unease because he adds, “There’s nothing wrong if that’s your decision. I’d just like to understand why.”
I sigh. “I didn’t protect her all those years just to bring it up now so I can quiet my own demons. She’s happy, Mike. She has a life I can only dream of. Coming in and telling her about what happened to meand how I’ve suffered isn’t going to fix that. If anything, it's only going to cause more harm, and I refuse to do that to her.”
Leaning back in my chair, I roll everything around in my head. “It just hurts that she can so easily push me to the side. Cut me out of her life after what I thought was a great night.”
“What happened the evening of the bachelor party?”
I smile. Damn, that was a great night. “We all got pretty drunk. Dan more so than others, but it was his party; he wassupposedto be carried out of there.”
“What do you think caused Christie to cut you out after that?”
“Honestly? It’s probably the alcohol and the state he got into. Our stepfather used to drink. It’s when he would… come for me.” I swallow, then clear my throat. “You’re going to want to unpack that memory, aren’t you?” I groan.
“All in good time, Theo.” He chuckles. “Do you think that she has her own demons to fight? That you weren’t the only one?”
Does she? I mean, I never saw anything, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. “I don’t know. Maybe?”
Mike shifts in his chair, crossing one leg over the other as he taps his pen to his mouth. “Without knowing the other person’s story, it’s very difficult to understand why they did what they did. Maybe Christie—in her mind—had a very good reason for cutting you out?”
I nod. “Makes sense. It’s not like I loved being around her.”
“And that’s okay, Theo. Just because they’re our family doesn’t mean we have to stick with them. They have the power to hurt us more than anyone else since they’re the closest to us. You have to be kind enough to yourself to allow boundaries. I would surmise that Christie is doing the same for whatever reason.”
“That just makes me feel like I’m not good enough, and that’s why she didn’t want to stick with me after a shitty childhood,” I mumble,my mood dipping. I can always feel it happen, like everything was a bright color but now fades to a muted gray.
“Some people use their trauma as a bond to glue themselves together, and others… well, they don’t like the reminder. They’d rather not have to see someone who disturbs their peace.” He pauses before he adds, “I say this in the nicest possible way… but it’s not always about you, Theo.”
I chuckle. “Well, it should be.” I glance out the window. It seems to be one of my favorite things to do when I’m in here. Maybe it’s because I’m too embarrassed and full of shame to look at Mike when I tell him things. Maybe it’s because the scenery outside is peaceful, who knows. “I blame myself for every little thing.”
“And you will,” he says. “You were always blamed for everything when you were a child, so your instinct is to use that now.”
“I feel so crazy.”
“You’re not crazy, Theo. All your responses grew from a lifetime of being lied to, gaslit, dismissed, and blamed, so your nervous system has been stuck in survival mode, constantly working out the confusion they insisted was your problem.”
