“Oh, Theo.” I do the one thing I probably shouldn’t—I race toward him, wrap my arms around his waist, and hug him. “You’ll always be good enough, big guy. Don’t ever forget that,” I murmur into his chest.
He pulls me in closer, holding me tight as he whispers, “It’s still not enough, Blake. My rational brain tells me I’ve achieved more in my life than some people can only dream of, but my irrational brain tells me it’ll never be enough. I need to do more; I need tobemore.” He sighs heavily, and I can feel the metaphorical weight he’s carrying in that one action. “I hate the way I am. I hate feeling like an imposter in a world I created for myself through blood, sweat, and tears. Where people tell me daily I’m great, amazing even. Because the truth is I’m not… I’m just a broken man who doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
THEO
This has been a godawful fucking shit show to say the least. I’ve cried more in the last couple of weeks than I’ve ever done in my whole life. I’m not gonna lie, though, I’ve never felt better. That and the sessions with Mike have really been shifting my focus and finally allowing me to deal with my trauma. It just took Blake coming back into my life for me to finally sort my shit out.
Hearing Blake say she’d been raped filled me with rage like never before, and seeing her breakdown in front of me made me feel like the worst kind of asshole because I pushed her. I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts and feelings that I didn’t think of howshewould be feeling. How much it would affect her. But in typical BPD fashion, we don’t think clearly. It’s only after the dust has settled and we replay what happened over and over again that we see where we fucked up… usually resulting in self-loathing and hatred for ourselves because we’ve fucked upyet again, and thus the cycle continues.
I’d walked out after she told me, drowning in guilt for caring more about me than what she’d been through. If I hadn’t been so weak, maybe I could’ve stopped it. Maybe we wouldn’t be carrying this heartache a decade later.
Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. All useless now.
So I’d needed a minute to bring myself back to the now because if I didn’t, I would have ended up getting a razor out to stop the influx of feelings swarming me. But I grounded myself instead. I kept telling myself to calm down, that Blake was the important one here and not me. That she deserved better. The thought of hunting down the prick who raped her and killing the asshole with my bare hands was also helping. I’m still thinking of doing it. I know people who can hide a body.
Shelving that thought for later.
My chest feels tight as I replay her words,“You’ll always be good enough, big guy.”I just wish my brain would get the memo. I’m exhausted from being me. This woman has suffered a horrific experience—she’s one of the few people I’ve always been able to feel emotions with—yet I’m making it about me.
I draw away from her and push the hair off of her face. “What happened after?”
She blows out a breath and takes a step back. “I called the police. I gave a statement and went to the hospital for a… rape test kit. They couldn’t find any DNA, so it was his word against mine. Because he already had a suspended sentence, they imprisoned him for six months.” She scoffs angrily. “Six months is all he got because they hired one of the best lawyers in the country. I represented myself, and while I’m good, I wasn’thislevel good. I haven’t seen or heard from Hugh since then. I moved to Chicago so I didn’t have to keep lookingover my shoulder. Got offered the job with Lowell and Sampson, and here I am.”
My hands have clenched tighter and tighter the more she spoke. This Hugh guy is dead. I don’t care. He touched what was mine and caused all of this heartbreak. I might be ‘needy Viking’ to some, but I have a mean streak a mile long, and I’m not afraid to use it.
“So, all of this hate toward me… that was because you thought I’d cheated on you and that you weren’t good enough?” she asks, biting her bottom lip.
“Unfortunately. Hindsight’s a bitch, huh?” I huff with a shrug.
“Where do we go from here?”
Life’s eternal question.
“I don’t know. A lot of trust was broken by both of us. We need to find a way to move past this and trust each other again. Especially seeing as we’ll be working closely together while the case is still active.”
Blake nods, but I can see her mind is elsewhere. She heaves out a sigh as she comes to some unknown decision. “In the interest of being honest, you’re going to need to sit down for this one.”
Dread fills my stomach. I don’t know how much more I can take after tonight’s secrets, but she has a determined look on her face, and I know in my gut this is something she needs to tell me. “I’m not going to like this, am I?” I groan, pinching the bridge of my nose.
“Honestly? I don’t know. But please bear with me and listen to everything I have to say before you hit the roof,” she says seriously, her eyes pleading with me.
I nod. “I’ll try.”
Fuck, I really hope this doesn’t trigger me and I lose my shit all over again.
“No, Theo. I need you to promise me. Let me get this all out, and then you can scream, shout, and be mad at me, butpleasejustlisten.”
My mind’s going haywire, my anxieties kicking in. “What is it?”
She nibbles on her thumb as she starts pacing. I sit down on the sofa, crossing one leg over the other and draping my arm across the back. Too anxious to sit in that position for more than a second, I quickly change to sitting forward with my knees braced on my elbows.
“I spent so long trying to deal with the aftermath,” she begins slowly. “You had left. I had no family. No one to turn to. I didn’t try to find you because I thought you’d had your fun and decided to leave, never to look back. It wasn’t right, and for that I’ll always be sorry, but I had to put myself first. I had to put my baby first.”
My head snaps up. “I’m sorry… baby?” White noise fills my ears, and a wave of dizziness hits me.
“I got pregnant.”
