Maybe I never would be. Maybe I’d always feel like a stand-in. Sure, he cared about me, but it would feel one-sided, as always. And that was why my brother had to babysit me for an entire night because he didn’t know if I could handle watching the love ofmylife get married.
My glorious happy ending didn’t seem so glorious anymore, nor happy. It felt like the same kind of settling I’d allowed myself forever.
And if I had any hope of going somewhere with my life, I had to stop.
“Did you like the cake?” Bennie asked me, drawing me out of my spiral for a moment. “When I get married, I’m going to have an all-chocolate wedding cake. Both the cake part and the icing.”
I tried to smile, heaving out a relieved breath when she got bored toward the end when they passed the mic around to the tables of guests. I’d hidden from that too that night, because I’d been afraid of bawling through my congratulations.
I’d run, living on the road and on the go, for that reason. I’d thought now that I finally had Lee, I could stop.
But he didn’t belong to me, not the way he completely owned me. Things really hadn’t changed.
I could still stay. Take what I could from Lee, as Ialways had. Teenage me would have killed for this chance. To sleep in his bed and kiss him any time I wanted.
But adult me wanted more. The more I’d been sure I’d had a few hours ago. The thought of that loss hurt far worse than his wedding day.
“Do you think I look like my mom?” Bennie asked as I tucked her in. “She was pretty.”
“You do,” I managed to say with a smile. “You’re very beautiful, just like her.”
She smiled as she settled into the pillow.
“Are you okay, Stella? You look sad.”
“I’m fine,” I said, kissing her cheek while I settled the sheet over her. “Almost summer or not, you need sleep. I’m going to bed now too.”
“Okay,” she groaned. “And, Stella?”
“Yeah, kiddo?”
“I love you,” she said on a yawn.
“I love you too,” I said, my voice squeaking when I shut off the light and closed her door behind me.
I took slow breaths through my nostrils and held on to the hallway wall. I was panicking and jumping to conclusions. Watching Lee get married had been the hardest thing I’d ever had to do, and seeing it on video, along with all the details I’d tried not to notice that night, had triggered me; that was all.
But I needed to think. And I needed to think alone.
I climbed into my old bed and let the tears fall until they put me to sleep.
THIRTY-TWO
LEE
I let out a yawn while I finally unlocked my front door and set the alarm for the night.
Between the traffic and the extra innings and the multiple strains from the bullpen tonight, I’d thought I’d never get home to my girls.
I laughed to myself as I shut off the downstairs lights. Thinkingmy girlswas a slip, but a good one. A great one. I always looked forward to seeing my daughter, but I’d never thought I’d want to race home for anyone else.
I lumbered up the stairs, still exhausted but so damn happy to be home, when I noticed the glow seeping from the bottom of Bennie’s door.
“Bennie, what are you doing up?”
She jumped, almost dropping her tablet when she spotted me at the door.
“I was playing my game, and I lost tracks in time.”
