“Pft, he just wanted to keep her in the dark. Make her wonder about how he felt.” Arms crossed, Macon’s stormy blues flitted to Artemis. Artemis then looked to Cipher who shrugged and looked at me. They were speaking without moving their lips.
“I can’t hear you.” I pointed to my ear, then turned to Macon. “He just wanted to protect her from the darkness inside him and his superhuman strength and his need to feed on blood, especially hers.” But even as I defended Edward’s actions, I began to see the similarities between my fictional boyfriend and my real-life one. Cipher still kept tabs on me–because he wanted to make sure I stayed safe–but what about him? Just because he could use a machete and wield knives and slay Rabids like a boss didn’t mean bad things couldn’t happen to him too. Even now, he was allowed to roam the town alone at any hour of the night, but I had to stay with one of the other Assholes for my safety.
Cipher’s hand was on my leg, squeezing. “You okay, Kitten? You got quiet.” His words were spoken too low for the others to hear him.
“I’m my own man,” I said.
“I know.”
“The rules shouldn’t be different,” I said, and the sudden silence made me think I’d fallen behind in the conversation. “Bella and Edward should have to follow the same rules. I don’t care if he is a vampire. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.”
That was something my mother always said, usually under her breath, regarding something my father had done.
“Gander,” Macon said, giggling again, and I found myself smiling because it was pretty funny.
“And if she wants to be a vampire, then he should make her a vampire.” Emboldened by this declaration, I said to my overprotective boyfriend, “They should be equals.”
“I’m not a vampire, Kitten,” he said slowly.
“I’m asexual,” Gizmo announced. He was sitting with his elbows on his knees, head buried in both hands.
“A sexual what?” I asked.
“I don’t want to have sex with you.” He pointed to me. “Or you.” He pointed to Macon. “Or you, or you, or you… or anyone.”
“You don’t have to,” I said. “That’s one of our rules.”
“Good, because I won’t.” He rocked back on his butt and let out a deep sigh of relief. “Even Wylie Somerset. He’s very nice to look at and extremely intelligent, but I don’t want to have sex with him either. Though I might like to hold his hand.”
“Holding hands is the best.” I grabbed onto Cipher’s hand and stroked his long, capable fingers, scarred from battle in some places, and I recalled earlier that day when they were deep inside of me, touching my most private of places. I whispered my memory of it into his ear, the way he’d stroked my gland and made me come in a way I never had before. He swallowed, throat jogging, and I could hear the saliva slip down his throat.
“I can hear you swallow and your heart beating,” I said softly into his ear, “and the air being inhaled by your lungs. I can heareverything. I must be inside of you, the way you were inside of me.”
“Kitten,” he said in the voice that made me shiver.
I inhaled him–pine trees and saw dust and sweet-smoky sweat. “This is my favorite flavor,” I said softly while kissing his neck. “I wish they’d make an ice cream that tasted like you.”
“Get a room,” Macon said and threw a balled-up sock at me. I laughed and he threw another, so I batted it away like Little Miss Purrfect with a cat toy, then threw them back at him.
“I think we need to take more,” I said to Macon. “I don’t think it’s working.”
“Nooooo,” Artemis and Cipher both said at the same time. I laughed and shook my head at them, mom and dad. “Let’s go outside,” I said to Macon and Gizmo. “Don’t you want to feel the grass tickling your toes and the sunshine pouring all over us? Wouldn’t that be great?”
“Backyard only,” Cipher said. “I don’t want you wandering around town like this.”
“Teresa and I will get dinner and bring it back here,” Artemis said to Cipher. “You keep an eye on these three.”
“Macon has more,” I said to Cipher. “Would you like to join us on our Great Adventure?”
“I’ll be designated driver for this one,” he said, even though we were only traveling to the backyard and we were walking, not driving. With his hand clasped around the back of my neck, he steered me out through the open French doors and past our small patio into the big backyard where Macon, Gizmo, and I made grass angels in the tall weeds and soaked up the warmth of the setting sun. The grass was still a little damp from the rain, but I didn’t mind. We talked about the best and worst parts of our jobs and our favorite meals and made bets on what Artemis and Teresa might bring back for dinner.
Then we were all lying together in a puppy pile in the grass, arms and legs overlapping, heads and feet on laps. Little Miss was there too, wedged between our warm bodies. Cipher was playing with my hair, and it felt so good that I purred from the sheer pleasure of it.
“What is love anyway?” Macon asked, veering back into Deep Topics. He had his hands clasped behind his head and was staring up at the clouds, his eyes a brilliant shade of blue in the light of the setting sun.
Gizmo said, “Love is a complex neurobiological phenomenon, relying on trust, belief, and pleasure that acts as a reward system within the brain. These processes require various ‘feel-good’ hormones to keep the circuit going.”
“Love is like your favorite song,” I said. “The one you sometimes hear by accident. Part of you wants to smile and part of you wants to cry because it brings you so much joy to listen to it and you never want it to end, but you know that it must. The music will fade away, and you’ll be left with the echoes of the feeling and some sadness too, but you don’t regret knowing it because it made you better to experience that emotion, however brief it may have been.”
